10 Things That Annoy Me

Okay, if there's one thing I hate doing, it's inflicting my opinions on other people.

No, wait. Not hate. What's the word I'm thinking of... Enjoy! That's the one!

If there's one thing I enjoy doing, it's inflicting my opinions on other people. And so, I have been inspired by my new friend and blog diva SJ (Give me the Booger) to compile my own list of things that, if you will pardon my French, pisse me off!

So here it is, in no particular order. My list of things that annoy me. Bask in the pettiness.

1. Reality show contestants who take themselves WAY too seriously. You know, these type A personalities who get on camera and brag about how they're going to scheme and connive and manipulate and do whatever it takes to win, like they're some kind of ruthless super villain? They indulge in some kind of half-assed passive-aggressive behavoir against the other contestants, and then they spend 15-20 minutes informing the television audience that it was all a part of their sinister master plan. Um, okay. Thank you, Machiavellian K-Mart cashier.

2. People with no sense of humor who try to be funny. Some of you are reading this right now and you're thinking to yourselves, "Yeah! Like you! Hahahahaha!" Well, that's exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about. Stop doing that. It's sad.

3. "Anyone's better than Bush." or "I don't agree with Bush, but he's still better than Kerry." Seriously. These two refrains are getting tired. If you can't be bothered to figure out WHY you're voting for someone, then fine. Just quit telling me about it.

4. Fragile healthy people. You know, the ones that are always obsessing about their carb/protein ratio or how much potassium they've had that day. The ones that take a sip of diet soda and then have to spend three days recovering because of the caffeine and aspartame. The ones that get physically ill if they smell a Big Mac. If you're that delicate, then I think your problem goes beyond diet. It's plastic bubble time.

5. People who express their dislike of certain musical genres by making up stupid examples.

• I hate rock music because it's all just, "Oh I do drugs and have lots of sex, yeah, yeah, yeah!"
• Country music is so stupid, because it's all just, "Oh I got drunk and married my cousin and then drove my pickup truck."
• Why do people listen to rap music, when all they do is just, "I'm gonna kill me a cop and get me a ho! Wacka wacka wacka."

6. Girls Gone Wild commercials. Holy Christ, those poor girls must hate their fathers! What could be more exciting that watching dozens of drunk and barely conscious women expose their breasts in an awkward and embarrasing striptease? Only the "comedy" of retarded host Doug Stanhope. "Show us where babies feed! It's natural!" These ads make me equally ashamed of both genders.

7. Patricia Cornwell. In case you don't know, Patricia Cornwell is the author of approximately 30,000,000 murder mysteries. When she finally realized that her talents were being wasted in fiction, she decided to turn her considerable intellect towards solving real crimes. One example is when Patricia Cornwell solved the Jack the Ripper murders. Another example is when Patricia Cornwell investigated the mysteries behind Lady Di's death. Yet another example is SHUT THE FUCK UP, PATRICIA CORNWELL!

8. People who view ignorance as a virtue. "We don't cotton to no high-falootin' booklearnin' in these parts!" Education should not automatically be considered grounds for suspicion, but Bush has built the bulk of his campaign on being a plain-spoken good ol' boy. The fact is, he went to Yale and Harvard but he tends to downplay that as much as possible. I'm sure Yale and Harvard are grateful.

9. Contemporary Christian music commercials. I'm always seeing these things late at night, when I'm watching Adult Swim on Cartoon Network. It isn't so much the banal music that disturbs me as it is the hordes of young, white people in the audience, their eyes closed and their hands raised in raptured bliss as they sing along. For some reason, it's how I always imagined Jonestown.

Besides, I don't understand why people like listening to contemporary Christian music when it's all just, "Oh God is awesome, blah, blah, praise Jesus dude!"

10. Furries. I swear, I was a lot happier before I found out these people existed. That's the beauty of the Internet, I suppose. I could post a message asking for pictures of retarded children in clown suits, and within ten minutes I'd hear from 30 other people that shared my fetish. So now that the furries have found each other, it's no longer a case of one disturbed individual masturbating to Bugs Bunny cartoons. It's hundreds and hundreds of people in animal costumes, raving and petting and... and... ick!

Okay, I'm done. Thanks for listening. As always, you've been very therapeutic.