10 Things That Annoy Me II, Electric Boogaloo!

Back in 2004, when I was still new to this whole blogging thing, my first internet love SJ (Give Me the Booger) inspired me to compile a top ten list of things that bug the shit out of me. So here it is, four years later, and most of those things *still* piss me off. But I dug deep into the tortured recesses of my spongy brain, and I managed to scrape together a list of ten MORE things that make me more irritable than Dick Cheney with hemorroids.

So enjoy. I'll be back in 2012 with my third installment. Let's pray Sarah Palin isn't on it.


1. People who try way too hard to be interesting. Everybody wants to be liked. Most of us do it by cultivating a personality and learning how to interact with others. But some folks do it by inventing a dark and mysterious past, and then dropping what they imagine to be tantalizing hints about it at every possible opportunity. A song will come on the radio, and they'll say, "Ah, yes. This reminds me of that time I was doing heroin in the abandoned hospital and those skinheads tried to shoot me."

Eventually, you learn to quit taking the bait, which causes them some consternation. They'll look at you expectantly, waiting for you to ask them to elaborate. And when you don't, they'll press the issue. "Yeah, I did some dumb things when I was young. Can't believe I almost died that night!" If you ignore them long enough, they'll get desperate to share their imaginary backstory. "I know you probably can't relate to the stuff I've been through, but if you ever want to ask me about my past, please feel free. I don't mind talking about it."

If I don't pry into your sordid and gripping past, it isn't because I'm disturbed or scared or lack the proper frame of reference to relate to you. It's because I don't believe you.


2. Billy Mays. I'm a fat, bearded guy, and I'm capable of being just as shrill and offputting as Mr. Mays. If you have a product, service, or organization you want shilled, just let me know and I'll do it for half of what he charges! Plus, I have no shame whatsoever, so I'll endorse anything! Just check out these testimonials from pleased customers:

"Ever since Chris started singing our praises, membership has picked up by 400%! Thanks, Chris!"
-Reg Hatley, NAMBLA

"People throw around the word 'hero,' but I think Chris really fits the bill. He really saved our business!"
-Don Reddick, Reddick's Puppy Shredding Mills

"If only Chris had been willing to representationalize us, the Republican party would be in much better... oops, I crapped my pants again."
-George W. Bush, Lame Duck


3. "Obama is the antichrist!" I've got to hand it to the conservatives. Once they decide they're going to hate someone, they will work their asses off to make up a reason.

Here's an email I received from the wife of one of my more conservative friends, in all of its illiterate glory:

According to the Book of Revelations the anti-christ is: The anti-christ will be a man, in his 40s, of MUSLIM descent, who will deceive the nations with persuassive language, and have a MASSIVE Christ-like appeal.... the prophecy says that people will flock to him and he will promise false hope and world peace, and when he is in power, will destory everything. Is it OBAMA??

I can't really comment on the contents of the Book of Revelations, since it doesn't exist. However, I know for a fact that the Book of Revelation (just one, dammit) makes no mention of an antichrist. That term was actually taken from the Epistles of John, and was used to refer to anybody who denied the divinity of Jesus (which I guess, technically, makes me an antichrist). What crops up in Revelation is the Beast, who is described as rising from the sea with seven heads and ten horns, upon which are written the names of blasphemy.

There's nothing about a man in his 40s, and there's absolutely nothing about Muslims. The Islam faith wasn't even founded until 610 AD, at least 500 years after Revelation was written. And even if John of Patmos did miraculously gaze into the future and prophesy the coming of Islam, OBAMA ISN'T A MUSLIM!!!

Seriously. If you're going to be a Christian, you might occasionally try READING that Bible you tote around...


4. Anyone who voted for Prop 8. Why the hell are these hateful fucktards so scared of same-sex marriage? Are they afraid the government might make it mandatory? Do they imagine a squadron of gay commandos is going to march into town and divorce them at gunpoint? Are they afraid gay weddings are going to somehow invalidate their marriages to their cousins? Or are they just using Jesus as an excuse to be bigoted assholes?

If you voted in favor of Prop 8, then you're a horrible human being and I hope you burn to death in a fire made of cancer while eating habanero peppers stuffed with poo. If you don't live in California but you thought Prop 8 was a good idea, then... well you know. Fire, cancer, habanero peppers, poo.

Bonus: Check out Prop 8 - The Musical on FunnyOrDie.com.


5. Trans fat. What the hell is trans fat, anyway? I've seen commericials for things like deep-fried bacon-wrapped chicken sandwiches that claim to have 0g of trans fat, and I have to ask myself, does it even exist? Has anyone ever actually seen it? Or is it just one of those things that we take on faith, like Intelligent Design and airport security? Personally, I think a bunch of food companies got together and invented the term "trans fat" just so they could claim their product didn't have it. But it's only a matter of time before we as a people rise up and put a stop to it. Like we did with that whole "net carb" fiasco...


6. People too lazy to express their own opinions. By national standards, I'm somewhat moderate in my politics. But here in Texas, I'm somewhere to the left of Lenin. A lot of my family and friends don't share my particular point of view, and they're constantly trying to change my mind by sending me emails that somebody else wrote. Because, hey! Why bother to have any thoughts of your own when you can just cut and paste? It's much easier to be opinionated when you let other people do all the work!


7. People who screw up common sayings. I used to work for a guy who, when signing his name, would always say, "Let me put my John Henry on that." After the third or fourth time, I finally snapped and shouted, "It's HANCOCK! John Hancock! Signer of the Delcaration of Independence! John Henry was a steel drivin' man, and probably didn't sign a whole lot of documents!"

Other mistakes that get up my ass with cleats on are "I could care less," "It's a mute point," and "President George W. Bush."


8. My upstairs neighbors. I've never met them, but based on the amount of noise they make every goddamn night, I've put together a little profile on them. I believe them to be a family of 10, weighing in excess of 400 pounds each. And every evening at 10:30 p.m., they like to put on their work boots, stomp into the bedroom, and knock their collection of bowling balls onto the floor.

I actually went upstairs to complain once, and the chicken shits wouldn't even answer the door. I could hear them inside, and I could see the peephole getting dark as they peered out at me, but they just sat inside and listened to me knock for 10 minutes. I finally gave up and went back downstairs, and they went back to doing jumping jacks.


9. Those preachy episodes of M*A*S*H. I used to love M*A*S*H, but I've been catching the repeats on TV Land, and I've noticed that every episode written by Alan Alda has the exact same speech in it.

General: Captain Pierce, I find your manner insubordinate.

Hawkeye: Oh yeah, General? Well somebody's bullets were insubordinate to this kid's body! I didn't ask to come here! I didn't ask to pull soldiers out of a meat grinder and sew them back together so maniacs like you can march them out again! I hate this place. I hate this war.

------------

Colonel: Son, why don't you head over to the mess tent and get some supper?

Hawkeye: Oh yeah, Colonel? Well somebody's bullets sure made a mess of this kid's body! I didn't ask to come here! I didn't ask to pull soldiers out of a meat grinder and sew them back together so maniacs like you can march them out again! I hate this place. I hate this war.

------------

Nurse: Hey, Hawkeye. Wanna go have sex in the supply tent?

Hawkeye: Oh yeah, Nurse? Well somebody's bullets sure had sex with... wait, that doesn't work. Um... supply... supplies... Hey, I bet this kid was totally suppliesed when he got all these bullets in his body! I didn't ask to... hey, where are you going?


10. People who refer to Sarah Palin as a MILF. Only if the "F" stands for "Force her head underwater until the bubbles stop coming up."

10 Things That Annoy Me

Okay, if there's one thing I hate doing, it's inflicting my opinions on other people.

No, wait. Not hate. What's the word I'm thinking of... Enjoy! That's the one!

If there's one thing I enjoy doing, it's inflicting my opinions on other people. And so, I have been inspired by my new friend and blog diva SJ (Give me the Booger) to compile my own list of things that, if you will pardon my French, pisse me off!

So here it is, in no particular order. My list of things that annoy me. Bask in the pettiness.

1. Reality show contestants who take themselves WAY too seriously. You know, these type A personalities who get on camera and brag about how they're going to scheme and connive and manipulate and do whatever it takes to win, like they're some kind of ruthless super villain? They indulge in some kind of half-assed passive-aggressive behavoir against the other contestants, and then they spend 15-20 minutes informing the television audience that it was all a part of their sinister master plan. Um, okay. Thank you, Machiavellian K-Mart cashier.

2. People with no sense of humor who try to be funny. Some of you are reading this right now and you're thinking to yourselves, "Yeah! Like you! Hahahahaha!" Well, that's exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about. Stop doing that. It's sad.

3. "Anyone's better than Bush." or "I don't agree with Bush, but he's still better than Kerry." Seriously. These two refrains are getting tired. If you can't be bothered to figure out WHY you're voting for someone, then fine. Just quit telling me about it.

4. Fragile healthy people. You know, the ones that are always obsessing about their carb/protein ratio or how much potassium they've had that day. The ones that take a sip of diet soda and then have to spend three days recovering because of the caffeine and aspartame. The ones that get physically ill if they smell a Big Mac. If you're that delicate, then I think your problem goes beyond diet. It's plastic bubble time.

5. People who express their dislike of certain musical genres by making up stupid examples.

• I hate rock music because it's all just, "Oh I do drugs and have lots of sex, yeah, yeah, yeah!"
• Country music is so stupid, because it's all just, "Oh I got drunk and married my cousin and then drove my pickup truck."
• Why do people listen to rap music, when all they do is just, "I'm gonna kill me a cop and get me a ho! Wacka wacka wacka."

6. Girls Gone Wild commercials. Holy Christ, those poor girls must hate their fathers! What could be more exciting that watching dozens of drunk and barely conscious women expose their breasts in an awkward and embarrasing striptease? Only the "comedy" of retarded host Doug Stanhope. "Show us where babies feed! It's natural!" These ads make me equally ashamed of both genders.

7. Patricia Cornwell. In case you don't know, Patricia Cornwell is the author of approximately 30,000,000 murder mysteries. When she finally realized that her talents were being wasted in fiction, she decided to turn her considerable intellect towards solving real crimes. One example is when Patricia Cornwell solved the Jack the Ripper murders. Another example is when Patricia Cornwell investigated the mysteries behind Lady Di's death. Yet another example is SHUT THE FUCK UP, PATRICIA CORNWELL!

8. People who view ignorance as a virtue. "We don't cotton to no high-falootin' booklearnin' in these parts!" Education should not automatically be considered grounds for suspicion, but Bush has built the bulk of his campaign on being a plain-spoken good ol' boy. The fact is, he went to Yale and Harvard but he tends to downplay that as much as possible. I'm sure Yale and Harvard are grateful.

9. Contemporary Christian music commercials. I'm always seeing these things late at night, when I'm watching Adult Swim on Cartoon Network. It isn't so much the banal music that disturbs me as it is the hordes of young, white people in the audience, their eyes closed and their hands raised in raptured bliss as they sing along. For some reason, it's how I always imagined Jonestown.

Besides, I don't understand why people like listening to contemporary Christian music when it's all just, "Oh God is awesome, blah, blah, praise Jesus dude!"

10. Furries. I swear, I was a lot happier before I found out these people existed. That's the beauty of the Internet, I suppose. I could post a message asking for pictures of retarded children in clown suits, and within ten minutes I'd hear from 30 other people that shared my fetish. So now that the furries have found each other, it's no longer a case of one disturbed individual masturbating to Bugs Bunny cartoons. It's hundreds and hundreds of people in animal costumes, raving and petting and... and... ick!

Okay, I'm done. Thanks for listening. As always, you've been very therapeutic.