Friday, December 05, 2008

10 Things That Annoy Me II, Electric Boogaloo!

Back in 2004, when I was still new to this whole blogging thing, my first internet love SJ (Give Me the Booger) inspired me to compile a top ten list of things that bug the shit out of me. So here it is, four years later, and most of those things *still* piss me off. But I dug deep into the tortured recesses of my spongy brain, and I managed to scrape together a list of ten MORE things that make me more irritable than Dick Cheney with hemorroids.

So enjoy. I'll be back in 2012 with my third installment. Let's pray Sarah Palin isn't on it.


1. People who try way too hard to be interesting. Everybody wants to be liked. Most of us do it by cultivating a personality and learning how to interact with others. But some folks do it by inventing a dark and mysterious past, and then dropping what they imagine to be tantalizing hints about it at every possible opportunity. A song will come on the radio, and they'll say, "Ah, yes. This reminds me of that time I was doing heroin in the abandoned hospital and those skinheads tried to shoot me."

Eventually, you learn to quit taking the bait, which causes them some consternation. They'll look at you expectantly, waiting for you to ask them to elaborate. And when you don't, they'll press the issue. "Yeah, I did some dumb things when I was young. Can't believe I almost died that night!" If you ignore them long enough, they'll get desperate to share their imaginary backstory. "I know you probably can't relate to the stuff I've been through, but if you ever want to ask me about my past, please feel free. I don't mind talking about it."

If I don't pry into your sordid and gripping past, it isn't because I'm disturbed or scared or lack the proper frame of reference to relate to you. It's because I don't believe you.


2. Billy Mays. I'm a fat, bearded guy, and I'm capable of being just as shrill and offputting as Mr. Mays. If you have a product, service, or organization you want shilled, just let me know and I'll do it for half of what he charges! Plus, I have no shame whatsoever, so I'll endorse anything! Just check out these testimonials from pleased customers:

"Ever since Chris started singing our praises, membership has picked up by 400%! Thanks, Chris!"
-Reg Hatley, NAMBLA

"People throw around the word 'hero,' but I think Chris really fits the bill. He really saved our business!"
-Don Reddick, Reddick's Puppy Shredding Mills

"If only Chris had been willing to representationalize us, the Republican party would be in much better... oops, I crapped my pants again."
-George W. Bush, Lame Duck



3. "Obama is the antichrist!" I've got to hand it to the conservatives. Once they decide they're going to hate someone, they will work their asses off to make up a reason.

Here's an email I received from the wife of one of my more conservative friends, in all of its illiterate glory:
According to the Book of Revelations the anti-christ is: The anti-christ will be a man, in his 40s, of MUSLIM descent, who will deceive the nations with persuassive language, and have a MASSIVE Christ-like appeal.... the prophecy says that people will flock to him and he will promise false hope and world peace, and when he is in power, will destory everything. Is it OBAMA??
I can't really comment on the contents of the Book of Revelations, since it doesn't exist. However, I know for a fact that the Book of Revelation (just one, dammit) makes no mention of an antichrist. That term was actually taken from the Epistles of John, and was used to refer to anybody who denied the divinity of Jesus (which I guess, technically, makes me an antichrist). What crops up in Revelation is the Beast, who is described as rising from the sea with seven heads and ten horns, upon which are written the names of blasphemy.

There's nothing about a man in his 40s, and there's absolutely nothing about Muslims. The Islam faith wasn't even founded until 610 AD, at least 500 years after Revelation was written. And even if John of Patmos did miraculously gaze into the future and prophesy the coming of Islam, OBAMA ISN'T A MUSLIM!!!

Seriously. If you're going to be a Christian, you might occasionally try READING that Bible you tote around...


4. Anyone who voted for Prop 8. Why the hell are these hateful fucktards so scared of same-sex marriage? Are they afraid the government might make it mandatory? Do they imagine a squadron of gay commandos is going to march into town and divorce them at gunpoint? Are they afraid gay weddings are going to somehow invalidate their marriages to their cousins? Or are they just using Jesus as an excuse to be bigoted assholes?

If you voted in favor of Prop 8, then you're a horrible human being and I hope you burn to death in a fire made of cancer while eating habanero peppers stuffed with poo. If you don't live in California but you thought Prop 8 was a good idea, then... well you know. Fire, cancer, habanero peppers, poo.

Bonus: Check out Prop 8 - The Musical on FunnyOrDie.com.


5. Trans fat. What the hell is trans fat, anyway? I've seen commericials for things like deep-fried bacon-wrapped chicken sandwiches that claim to have 0g of trans fat, and I have to ask myself, does it even exist? Has anyone ever actually seen it? Or is it just one of those things that we take on faith, like Intelligent Design and airport security? Personally, I think a bunch of food companies got together and invented the term "trans fat" just so they could claim their product didn't have it. But it's only a matter of time before we as a people rise up and put a stop to it. Like we did with that whole "net carb" fiasco...


6. People too lazy to express their own opinions. By national standards, I'm somewhat moderate in my politics. But here in Texas, I'm somewhere to the left of Lenin. A lot of my family and friends don't share my particular point of view, and they're constantly trying to change my mind by sending me emails that somebody else wrote. Because, hey! Why bother to have any thoughts of your own when you can just cut and paste? It's much easier to be opinionated when you let other people do all the work!


7. People who screw up common sayings. I used to work for a guy who, when signing his name, would always say, "Let me put my John Henry on that." After the third or fourth time, I finally snapped and shouted, "It's HANCOCK! John Hancock! Signer of the Delcaration of Independence! John Henry was a steel drivin' man, and probably didn't sign a whole lot of documents!"

Other mistakes that get up my ass with cleats on are "I could care less," "It's a mute point," and "President George W. Bush."


8. My upstairs neighbors. I've never met them, but based on the amount of noise they make every goddamn night, I've put together a little profile on them. I believe them to be a family of 10, weighing in excess of 400 pounds each. And every evening at 10:30 p.m., they like to put on their work boots, stomp into the bedroom, and knock their collection of bowling balls onto the floor.

I actually went upstairs to complain once, and the chicken shits wouldn't even answer the door. I could hear them inside, and I could see the peephole getting dark as they peered out at me, but they just sat inside and listened to me knock for 10 minutes. I finally gave up and went back downstairs, and they went back to doing jumping jacks.


9. Those preachy episodes of M*A*S*H. I used to love M*A*S*H, but I've been catching the repeats on TV Land, and I've noticed that every episode written by Alan Alda has the exact same speech in it.

General: Captain Pierce, I find your manner insubordinate.

Hawkeye: Oh yeah, General? Well somebody's bullets were insubordinate to this kid's body! I didn't ask to come here! I didn't ask to pull soldiers out of a meat grinder and sew them back together so maniacs like you can march them out again! I hate this place. I hate this war.

------------

Colonel: Son, why don't you head over to the mess tent and get some supper?

Hawkeye: Oh yeah, Colonel? Well somebody's bullets sure made a mess of this kid's body! I didn't ask to come here! I didn't ask to pull soldiers out of a meat grinder and sew them back together so maniacs like you can march them out again! I hate this place. I hate this war.

------------

Nurse: Hey, Hawkeye. Wanna go have sex in the supply tent?

Hawkeye: Oh yeah, Nurse? Well somebody's bullets sure had sex with... wait, that doesn't work. Um... supply... supplies... Hey, I bet this kid was totally suppliesed when he got all these bullets in his body! I didn't ask to... hey, where are you going?


10. People who refer to Sarah Palin as a MILF. Only if the "F" stands for "Force her head underwater until the bubbles stop coming up."

9 comments:

Professor said...

Love you list and agree with ... all of it. Though I don't hate Billy Mays so much to stick him on a list...

And who in the hell calls Palin a MLF? that's so wrong... My students oft refer to me as such and now I don't want to be in the same club- ANY CLUB- as her.

scarletvirago said...

1. Yeah, I hate those guys, too. Too bad I'm related to so many of them.
2. I wish I had a Pocket Irb for bible reference. An educated comeback is so much classier than my usual, "What the fuck ever, ya putz."
4. Jack Black as Singing Christ is MADE of awesome!
6. Yeah! What HE said! Or, um...
7. Mine is "irregardless". WTF is that??

NYPinTA said...

Aww, I love Hawkeye. The slutty surgeon with the heart of gold, and a tendency to repress memories! You meanie. (That last sentenece was a cut and paste from my sister. Just FYI.)

Shelly said...

1. I knew a guy once who said something in reference to a funny story he "could" tell about a whacky night at Hunter S. Thompson's place in Aspen, and I was immediately done with him. Forever. Don't you just want to point and yell, "I call Bullshit!" ? I do.
2. I thought he was OK until he started using his name. He used to be just a unique pitchman, but when the commercials started beginning with the line, "Hi, Billy Mays here..." it was all over.
3. Thank you. Now, can you bring your considerable knowledge over to Barely Contained, where I am about to get preached at by a rather serious "former atheist" Christian fellow who doesn't like my views on gay marriage? So far, all he has said is "Hello", but, I know its comin'.
4. See item #3.
5. Personally, I love trans fat. I love it almost as much as I love SJ.
6. These are the same people in Item #8 of your first list! Cool! Luckily...THEY ARE TOO STUPID TO NOTICE WE'RE DISCUSSING THEM.
7. Oh. Yeah.
8. I'll trade ya.
9. How could we have missed this the first time around?
10. They didn't notice that it became uncool the second day after her nomination...kinda like the people who still use the term "old school". Same people who voted for Prop 8, by the way...

Irb said...

Professor: Originally, #2 was going to be a rant about the sore loser Republicans. But that turned into a full-blown post and I had to make due with ol' Billy instead.

And once you become a grandmother, shouldn't you be disqualified from MILFdom? Please tell me there's no such thing as a GMILF!

Scarlet Virago: Through cloning technology or witchcraft, we will one day make the Pocket Irb available to the general public. Just don't get him wet or feed him after midnight...

NYPinTA: Hawkeye did have a lot of buried memories, didn't he? I swear, his backstory was probably more convoluted than Wolverine's.

And tell your sister that my sister will totally kick her ass if she calls me "meanie" again ;-)

Shelly: Did you read Thankful Paul's blog? Holy crap! It's not quite the Road to Damascus, but DAMN!

He strikes me as a decent and SINCERE(tm) fellow, but if he does go off the deep end and start preaching, I'm sure SJ will make him cry. She's good like that ;-)

Anonymous said...

Scarletvirago....Pocket Irb is MINE, and I have the photo to prove it.

That's just how it is.

Boidy

Sylvana said...

I have got to say that I haven't laughed this hard since I saw "THE BEST CAT VIDEO YOU'LL EVER SEE" on YouTube.

I was reading this post out loud to my husband and he wanted me to relay to you that John Henry is also slang for penis. So everyone should go back and read that with this new nugget of info in mind.

And I will tell you what is worse than someone who doesn't get the saying right, it is someone who corrects you when you do.

My favorite is #8. Freakin' HILARIOUS!

ca nadeau said...

Oh, yeah well there were ten things that pissed off this kid's body and all of 'em are mad eof lead!!!

Shelly said...

Good grief--only takes me a month to get back to you...

I did read it, and, got that eerie, Scary Christian vibe, immediately. I think you scared him away, though....ROCK STAR! :-)