Thursday, July 28, 2005

Bloggus Interuptus

I figured July was pretty much a lost cause, so I've decided to go ahead and just call it a month-long sabbatical. Tune in Monday, August 1, when I will once again be inflicting you with posts filled with wholesome liberal goodness!!! Plus, I'll probably use the word "retard" five or six times and imply that all Republicans are actually members of the KKK.

I can't help it. I just type it the way God tells it to me.

In the meantime, if you've missed the exhilaration of peeing in the snow, or if you've always wondered what it would be like to do so, here's a fun little toy to keep you busy over the weekend.

Oh, Yellow Snow! On a scale of one to ten, urinate!!!

Monday, July 18, 2005

Blog Burnout?

You ever have one of those days where you just aren't feeling creative? Where coming up with even a moderately witty comment seems well beyond your ability? Where all you want to do is lie on the couch all day, eating Hot Pockets and watching SpongeBob? Where you're filled with an inexplicable urge to plunge a dagger into Dr. Phil, remove his flesh, put it on, and be borne unto worlds where his flesh is your key?

Okay, not so much on the last one. But the other ones pretty much describe my last two weeks.

I can't really put my finger on it. I swear, I'm not dismal or morose or anything. I've just had no interests in doing anything creative. Every time I've sat down at my PC to jot off some barbed observation about the bombing in London or Karl "666" Rove's recent embarrassment, I've found myself overcome with a desire to play Freecell or Minesweeper instead.

Blog burnout, maybe? I go through this every few months. Usually, it takes the gentle yet firm nagging of SJ to coax me back into inflicting my opinions on others. But this time, I thought I'd be proactive instead of reactive.

(When I used to work at Brinker International, the VPs and directors were always encouraging us to "think outside the box," and to "be proactive, not reactive." They also told us that we had to "perceive, believe, and achieve," and you know that's some quality workplace advice because it fucking rhymes. But I digress...)

Does anyone else ever have this problem? I swear, most of the bloggers I know are so goddamn prolific. They post day after day and show no sign of ever slowing. Whereas the only post I've been able to manage lately has been this one, about how I can't think of anything to write about.

That's about 900% more ironic than anything you'll find in any Alanis Morissette song about irony.

So hopefully, this meandering piece of stream-of-consciousness will do the trick and unplug the colon of my muse so she can take an enormous, creative dump on my head. (No, I don't have a fetish. I was just belaboring a metaphor, that's all.)

Okay, thanks for listening. You've been very therapeutic. Maybe.

Monday, July 04, 2005

Happy Independence Day!

On July 4, 1776, the Declaration of Independence was signed and the United States of America was born. Or were born. Goddamn subject-verb agreement...

Anyway, at a time like this, when our nation (or at least 51% of it) is steadfastly united in the ongoing war against Muslims terrorists, monogomous gays, and stem cells, I feel it is important to remember the profound words spoken by George Washington on that monumental day:

"The preservation of the sacred fire of liberty and the destiny of the
republican model of government are justly consid... OW, FUCK! SPLINTERS!!!"
Ah. He truly was the Father of our Country.


Here are some funny 4th of July cards, accompanied by snarky, smartass comments. What can I say? They made me giggle like Tom Cruise on Paxil.