Sunday, April 12, 2009

A New Follower!

I'd like to take a moment and give a shout out to my newest follower, ouD6.NoCjdK3ku6mQr1B3m.kdRsb. After years of sending me unsolicited emails regarding my credit and/or my penis size, I'm proud that ouD6.NoCjdK3ku6mQr1B3m.kdRsb has decided to join the ranks of my threes of faithful followers.

(There's a chance I could be wrong about ouD6.NoCjdK3ku6mQr1B3m.kdRsb, and he/she/it might actually be one of the soulless Verizon automatons that I ran up against back in 2006. If that's the case, then I apologize for the disrespectful tone of my post and I welcome our new robot overlords with open arms. HAIL OUD6.NOCJDK3KU6MQR1B3M.KDRSB!!!)

Saturday, April 04, 2009

Captain Phantasm vs. the Nefarious Dr. Noir

As you may recall, my friend Sean and I wrote a play for the Pocket Sandwich Theatre here in Dallas. The play, Captain Phantasm vs. the Nefarious Dr. Noir, was an audience participation melodrama, where audience members are invited to cheer the hero, boo the villain, and hurl prodigious amounts of popcorn at the actors on the stage.

Last night was our opening night, and it went swimmingly! Magnificently! Brilliantly! The jokes worked, the cast clicked, and the audience was totally into the whole participation thing. There were a handful of technical glitches, but I have to say these guys totally knocked it out of the park!

For those of you among my threes of faithful readers who won't be able to attend a showing, here's a handy rundown on the play straight from the Pocket Sandwich Theatre website:

From the unashamed authors of "Escape from Stalag 18" comes this gripping tale of "Captain Phantasm," a costumed hero trained in the mysterious and inscrutable fighting techniques of the Orient as he faces "Dr. Noir," a nefarious criminal mastermind with impeccable fashion sense, a melodramatic flair, and no fear of popcorn. Mix in characters such as "Pretty Perfect," a beautiful reporter with moxie, spunk, and chutzpah out the yin-yang; and "Mittens" and "Fluffy," two lovely but fiendishly deadly vixens, and what have you got? Uh - we're not sure, but we'll let you know when we figure it out.

Sean and I staged it as an episode of Mystery Adventure Time Theater Hour, broadcast on Radio KPST in 1941. We ended each act with a cliffhanger and totally cheated to get the heroes out of their jam. For example, Act II ends with Captain Phantasm and intrepid reporter Pretty Perfect surrounded by gun-wielding mobsters. The stage goes dark, we hear blasts of machine gun fire, and the words TO BE CONTINUED... appear on the screen. When Act III begins, we once again see the Captain and Pretty surrounded by the mobsters. This time, Captain Phantasm yells "Duck and cover!" and pushes Pretty to the ground as the mobsters open fire and kill each other.

Our "broadcast" is hosted by Wink Walters, an unctious emcee who stands on a side stage and provides helpful narration to move the story along. He also does commercials for the imaginary sponsors of Mystery Adventure Time Theater Hour, such as Sophisticate Cigarettes ("They're mild, good-tasting, and agree with your throat.") and Auntie Lou's Homestyle All-Purpose Flour ("Now with 30% fewer mites and weevils!")

The commercials were a blast to write. Sean and I set out to make them as sexist and scientifically inaccurate as possible. My favorite was the ad that opened up Act II:

(The spotlight falls on the EMCEE, who is standing on the side stage with the microphone. MITTENS and FLUFFY are standing to either side of him.)

Welcome back to Mystery Adventure Time Theater Hour on Radio KPST, brought to you by Marvey Mint Chewing Gum... for the ladies. Chewing Marvey Mint will keep your facial contours youthful and keep your breath fresh and clean. So ladies, if you need a special man in your life, or if you simply want to hold on to the one you have, remember...

(MITTENS and FLUFFY lean into the microphone to sing.)

Tired of being an old maid
'Coz bad breath rained on your parade?
Let Marvey Mint come to your aid!
Our chewing gum will get you...

EMCEE (interrupting)
Into a loving relationship with the man of your dreams. Marvey Mint.


Our first two nights have sold out, so here's hoping the rest of the run is just as successful. If you live in the DFW area or happen to be visiting between now and May 16, I hope you'll swing by the Pocket Sandwich Theatre and check out the show!

Captain Phantasm vs. the Nefarious Dr. Noir

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Grill Skill

I should warn you, the following video should not be viewed by anyone who wishes to cling to their belief in a kind and loving god.

Grill Skill is a training video put out by Wendy's in 1989 to teach their employees the proper art of putting greasy meat on a grill. Now you're probably thinking to yourself, "They needed a video for that?" but you have to remember that this was over 20 years ago. After eight years of George W., it's become almost commonplace to see people with college educations working at fast food restaurants. But back then, educated folks had the option of working real jobs, and flipping burgers was left to the type of people who needed to be tutored by disembodied rapping heads.

The video starts off innocuously enough, with Wendy's founder Dave Thomas yammering on about his love of hamburgers. This is, of course, before he died, because otherwise the video would have been even creepier. During Dave's burger soliloquy, we are reminded no less than 4,000 times that Wendy's square patties hang over the edge of the bun. "And people will like that!" Dave insists just a little too emphatically.

(Also, for some reason, poor Dave seems to be having some problems actually enunciating his words, and the phrase "old fashioned hamburgers" sounds like it's being murmured by a mouth stuffed with cholesterol.)

After Dave's introduction, we begin the descent into batshit madness that IS Grill Skill. First, we're lulled into a sense of false security by watching a montage of Wendy's employees showing up for work and hanging up their coats for like 20 minutes. Then, the narrative settles down and introduces us to Bill, who is about to make the incredible evolutionary leap from fries to grill. His manager Mary, who apparently commutes in every morning from the 1940s, takes him into the back office and shows him a video.

So we're watching a video about a guy watching a video. It's all so damned recursive.

But just as you're settling in for a dull treatise on grill procedure, Bill's VCR starts smoking (while strains of Pink Floyd's "Welcome to the Machine" play in the background) and the aforementioned disembodied rapping head sucks him into the video and... words fail me. It's as if a bunch of tiny ninjas get inside your head and start kicking your brain's ass. Only with rap! And then the meat patties have faces and start singing and... OH GOD! WHY?

This is only the first half of the video. I haven't watched the second half yet, but I'm hoping it ends with Bill snapping and going on a killing spree, urged on gleefully by the disembodied rapping head. I imagine he'd slaughter his way through the restaurant with his spatula (or "tool"), saving Mary for last. And then he'd press her face against the sizzling grill, laughing maniacally while screaming, "And people will like that!"

Anyhoo, here's the video. Enjoy.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Michael Steele Gets a Limbaughtomy

So a couple of posts ago, I mentioned the fact that Rush Limbaugh was hoping for Obama's presidency to fail. This isn't a case of his words being taken out of context. This isn't some vast conspiracy between the gay mafia and the Jew-run liberal media to discredit his enormous, doughnut-laden ass. The man said, on the radio, of his own free will and volition, that he wants Obama to fail. Our nation is at war and on the brink of economic collapse, and Rush is rooting for us to go down in flames.

The Democrats naturally pounced on Rush's treasonous remarks and immediately began portraying the shambling behemoth as the de facto leader of the Republican Party. They called for the Republicans to pull free of Limbaugh's orbit and do what was best for our nation. Sure it was hyperbolic and overwrought, but it was certainly effective. And it's not like the Republicans had any right to complain about it. Back in 2002, they had succeeded in labeling people who disagreed with Bush as villains who hated American soldiers, freedom, and the baby Jesus.

I admit, I was feeling pretty optimistic. I had predicted that the Republicans would distance themselves from Rush's bullshit and put the needs of the country first. And at first, it looked like that was actually going to happen! RNC chairman Michael Steele even went so far as to dismiss Rush's diatribe as "entertainment," adding, "It's incendiary, yes. It's ugly."

Well, I got to enjoy the feeling of being right about something for, oh, two days or so. Then Rush said some mean things about Steele on his radio show, and Steele lost his nerve and apologized, acknowledging Rush as a "national conservative leader." At least, I'm *assuming* that's what Steele said. It's kind of hard to understand him sometimes with his mouth full of Rush's cock.

So is Limbaugh truly leading the GOP these days? I know the millions of Klansmen and crazed loners who tune into his show every day like to think so, and the speed at which Steele flip-flopped seems to lend credence to the theory. I think it's sad that Steele, whose mission at one time was to broaden the appeal of the Republican Party by appealing to political moderates and people of color, has decided it would be more prudent to toe that ever-divisive party line.

One item of interest was a Newsweek interview with David Frum, an uberconservative pundit and former Bush script speech writer, best known for coining the phrase "Axis of Evil." Frum discussed the attempts of the Democrats to tie Rush to the Republican Party, and claimed that Rush had caused the GOP considerable damage by allowing himself to be portrayed as their leader. He actually referred to Rush as "kryptonite." So I'm sure it's only a matter of time before Rush whines about it on the air and Frum calls to apologize.

What can I say? I was foolishly optimistic, and my hopes have been crushed like the young Filipino boy that Rush keeps chained to his bed. After briefly glimpsing the light of hope and change, the GOP has gone scampering back to the safety of Limbaugh's gargantuan shadow.

Sigh. I'm too depressed to rant about it anymore. So I'll just close with a joke I heard from Stephanie:

Q. What's the difference between Rush Limbaugh and the Hindenburg?
A. One is a flaming Nazi gasbag, and the other is a dirigible.

Bada bing! Good night, ladies and gentlemen!

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Two More Things...

Helen Philpot, irascible geriatric and total GMILF, just spent the last couple of weeks subjecting herself to Ann Coulter's most recent book and blogging about her experience on Margaret and Helen. My favorite quote from her ordeal:
And whenever you hear about two monkeys and a sloth getting together with a typewriter know that either another Coulter book is about to hit the bookstores or Rush Limbaugh is having an OxyContin hallucination.
Also, I just discovered, to my great joy, that I'm currently the #1 ranking website on Google for the phrase "ann coulter's gaping anus of a mouth."

God bless America!

Rush Limbaugh Hates America

Last month, just before the inauguration, Rush Limbaugh went on the record stating he hoped Obama's presidency would fail.
My hope, and please understand me when I say this. I disagree fervently with the people on our side of the aisle who have caved and who say, "Well, I hope he succeeds. We've got to give him a chance." Why? They didn't give Bush a chance in 2000. Before he was inaugurated the search-and-destroy mission had begun. I'm not talking about search-and-destroy, but I've been listening to Barack Obama for a year-and-a-half. I know what his politics are. I know what his plans are, as he has stated them. I don't want them to succeed.
The fact that anybody still listens to this ham-addled retard confounds me. The fact that that people still buy into Sean Hannity's batshit crazy rants, or believe a word that comes out of Ann Coulter's gaping anus of a mouth haunts me and mocks my childlike faith in God.

I can't get my head around *wanting* the president to fail. I despised Bush and just about everything his administration stood for. But if we were going to be stuck with him, I wanted him to succeed, because I wanted our nation to succeed. I felt our justification for invading Iraq was total bullshit and I was firmly opposed to the war. But once we were committed, I hoped desperately that we *would* find those elusive weapons of mass destruction. It would have been worth listening to Bush and his team of incompetent profiteers gloat for the next six years, just knowing that we had been justified and that the lives lost had served a purpose other than supplementing Cheney's retirement fund and indulging Bush's fantasies of being a grown-up "war president."

I had no faith in Bush. But I still hoped for the best, for all the good it did.

So now Obama and his administration are scrambling desperately to clean up the mess they inherited. The Republicans have publicly stated that the time has come to put aside petty partisan politics and work together for the good of the country. They haven't pledged blind obedience to Obama, and they certainly have no intention of rolling over for him (as the bitter debate over the economic stimulus package shows). I may not agree with the Republicans, but I do believe that most of them are arguing passionately for something they believe. They're not stonewalling just to piss on Obama's head.

Even most of the conservatives have pledged to support Obama, albeit with a hint of passive-aggression. They spent the last decade trying to convince us that disagreeing with the president makes you a terrorist, and now they're being forced to navigate that field they so gleefully mined. So here, in the reddest of red states at least, I'm hearing a lot of statements like "Well, Obama may be a Marxist leftist antichrist, but he's still our president and I respect him!"

Since just about anybody with a soul is hoping for the best for Obama and our nation, who does that leave listening to fucktards like Limbaugh, Hannity, and Coulter? They've lost their mainstream appeal and now they're stuck with the same stupid and uninformed fanbase that they had when they started. The kind of people who would happily watch this nation burn just for the opportunity to say "I told you so."

Although Limbaugh, et. al. claim their biggest fear is a liberal America, that's total bullshit. Their biggest fear is that people will no longer care about the manufactured "left/right" schism they've spent the last couple of decades exploiting. Once that division fades, the relevance of Limbaugh, Hannity, and Coulter will fade with it.

Here's hoping...

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Meme's the Word

Stephanie, the Nerd o' my Heart, posted a meme on her blog It Probably Won't Kill You. Since she mentioned me by name as the person most likely to respond, I sort of feel compelled to do so. Because I am, completely and apologetically, whipped.

Not as easy as you might think! Be sure to send it back to the person you received it from!

1. Where is your cell phone? Nonexistent

2. Your significant other? Loving

3. Your hair? Disheveled

4. Your mother? Forgiving

5. Your father? Departed

6. Your favorite thing? Attention

7. Your dream last night? Fragmented

8. Your favorite drink? Shiner

9. Your dream/goal? Published

10. What Room are you in? Office

11. Your hobby? Pedantry

12. Your fear? Palin

13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Vegas!

14. Where were you last night? Home

15. Something that you aren’t? Anorexic

16. Breakfast? PowerBar

17. Wish list item? iPod

18. Where you grew up? Dallas

19. Last thing you ate? Sandwich

20. What are you wearing? Hoodie

21. Your TV? G4

22. Your pets? Imaginary

23. Friends? Tolerant

24. Your life? Blissful

25. Your mood? Optimistic

26. Missing someone? Dad

27. Your car? Icy

28. Something you’re not wearing? Cape

29. Your favorite store? Boomerang

30. Your favorite color? Blue

31. When is the last time you laughed? Today

32. Last time you cried? Dunno

33. Who will resend this? Nobody

34. One place that I go to over and over? Facebook

35. One person who emails me regularly: v14gra

36. Favorite place to eat: Hibachi

37. One place I would like to go right now? Richmond

38. One person I think will respond: Nobody

39. One TV show I watch all the time: Colbert

Friday, January 16, 2009

Christians v. Gayness and Abortion Donuts

There's an old adage that says arguing on the internet is like competing in the Special Olympics, because even if you win, you're still retarded. But sometimes, I just can't help myself. It's like a sickness. "Can't sleep. Somebody is wrong on the internet."

So a while back, I signed up on Facebook. I neglected the account for nearly a year, until my sister finally shamed me into updating it and adding her as a friend, because apparently the other 9,042,188 friends she had on Facebook just weren't enough. So I updated my info and added her. Then her friends added me and I added them, and before you know it, I was suddenly swimming in a sea of online buddies.

One of the interesting (and often annoying) aspects of Facebook is that it puts you back in touch with people you haven't even thought about for decades. In a matter of days, I was inundated with Friend Requests from at least a dozen people I hadn't seen since high school. And frankly, I didn't really like them all that much back then. But I figured there was no point in being petty, so I went ahead and accepted.

Two of these "friends" were Neal A. and David B. Neal and I had never been great pals, but we grew up on the same block and we were in marching band together. I knew David from church and that was about it. So it wasn't like I was overjoyed by the prospect of reuniting with long lost chums. It was all sort of... meh.

But then, Neal invited me to join the Facebook group Ban Same-Sex Marriage. I declined, and I went to his page to tell him to just leave me out of that stuff from now on. But when I got there, I saw he had updated his status to read "Neal is praying that a same-sex marriage bill here in new mexico will not pass - GOD SAID IT IS AN ABOMINATION!!!" And right under that, David had added the comment "we are praying with you!"

I should have clicked away. I know that. But instead, I responded:

I'm not. I don't understand why so many people are terrified by the idea of same-sex marriage. Do you believe bands of marauding homosexuals are going to come down out of the hills, divorce good Christian folks at gunpoint, and force them into gay marriages? Do you feel same-sex marriage is a slippery slope that will inevitably lead to your children turning tricks behind dumpsters for their next fix of heroin? Or do you simply feel that indulging in spiteful and petty gestures against a group of people who have nothing to do with you is better than sitting around and doing nothing?

God said a lot of things were abominations. Why does everybody get so obsessed over this one?

"All, too, will bear in mind this sacred principle, that though the will of the majority is in all cases to prevail, that will to be rightful must be reasonable; that the minority possess their equal rights, which equal law must protect, and to violate would be oppression." -Thomas Jefferson

It was pretty much the first words I'd spoken to either of them in 20+ years, so I was prepared for some blowback. Besides, David was on the debate team, so I figured he'd come at me with guns blazing. He didn't disappoint:

No Chris. We just want our country to be moral and to not promote sin--equating it with the sacred (marriage). There certainly are other things that are abominations and I am praying that our country would reject them as well. Don't paint those of us who believe the Bible and believe that those who honor God will be honored to be homo-phobic or hate filled.

So I replied back:

Which parts of the Bible do you believe? That part about not eating shellfish? Or that part about not wearing clothes made from two types of thread (which means cotton/polyester blend is a sin). Or that part about selling your daughter into slavery or stoning your rebellious son to death? Seems like most people have no problem deciding when God was serious and when he was just screwing around.

And sorry, but referring to gay people as abominations is homophobia writ large. You can try to rationalize it any way you like, but it's still hateful and mean-spirited.

So Neal decided to weigh in:

chris, thomas jefferson also said that the punishment for the crime of sodomy in virginia should be dismemberment, and he did not mean an arm or a leg. God calls it an abomination, you mock what God hates, and i feel sorry for you, my friend.

At the same time, David retorted:

You are wrong, Chris. It's not gay people who are an abomination. It's homosexuality that is an abomination just like lying, stealing, gossiping, slander, adultery and murder. We all have sinned and fall short of God's plan but that does not mean that we create an environment where sinful lifestyles are promoted.

By this point, I decided to just cut myself loose and be done with it. So I ended with:

I get it. You guys are appalled and offended by the concept of homosexuality. I'm appalled and offended by people who use God as an excuse for their intolerance. Let's just call it irreconscilable differences and be done with it.

I'm going to stop posting, not because I've been convinced by anything you've said, but because I now realize how futile this whole argument is. As long as you guys believe your bigotry is endorsed by the Bible, there's no way anything I say is going to open your minds.

Enjoy your war on gayness, fellas.

(A lot of closed-minded Christians feel sorry for me, Neal. It doesn't really accomplish anything, but it seems to make them feel better.)

I know this post probably comes across as smug or self-congratulatory, but mainly I just wanted to get it all down in print while I could. Because less than 10 minutes after my last post, Neal went through and deleted all of my comments from the thread. So now it's just a bunch of posts of Neal and David calling me by name and lecturing me, which is kind of funny. I considered going back and posting, "Wow, who's this Chris you guys keep going on about? He must have really upset you!"

But life's too short to waste on misguided bigots. If I'm lucky, it'll be another 20 years before I hear from either of them again. By that time, same-sex marriage will be a non-issue, just like interfaith and interracial marriage. And maybe by that time, Neal and David will have moved on to more pressing Christian issues, like getting shellfish outlawed.


In a totally unrelated, but fucking hilarious story, the American Life League sent out a press release with this headline: KRISPY KREME CELEBRATES OBAMA WITH PRO-ABORTION DOUGHNUTS. Seriously!

You see, Krispy Kreme announced that they would be giving away free donuts on Inauguration Day to honor "America's sense of pride and freedom of choice." But the brain trust at ALL believes that Krispy Kreme is actually handing out delicious treats to commemorate Roe v. Wade. And the logic by which they reached this inevitable conclusion? Well, it seems Krispy Kreme used the word "choice" in their announcement. And as everybody knows, "choice" is secret liberal code for "abortion," which is why Taster's Choice coffee never sells all that well down here in the south.

If there is a God, He might want to seriously consider smiting some of these retards. They are *really* making Him look stupid.


Update 1/23/2009:
Okay, so I managed to stay on the high road for a week before I popped back to see if the debate was still raging on Neal's page. I was somewhat gratified to see other folks taking him to task for his bigotry. One person made the point that we shouldn't be using the Bible as an excuse to deprive folks of their constitutional rights.

David replied to that by claiming that nobody's constitutional rights were being abridged and wrote (I swear I'm not making this up), "this is about protecting marriage and the family, its not about love."

How could I just let that one go? I mean, I'm only human! But my response was the very epitome of restraint:
"this is about protecting marriage and the family, its not about love."

That may be the funniest thing I've read all day.

P.S. I noticed you deleted all my posts, Neal. Class act all the way!

Neal's reaction to my post was hilariously over the top:
chris - i deleted your posts because they were garbage. you've never been able to disagree without being disagreeable. you mock God, and i take that personally offensive because of Who God is and what He has done for me all my life. i said previously that i felt sorry for you, but i don't any more. you deserve everything you are going to get from God if you continue your rebellion. repent or you will suffer eternal consequences. can i say it any stronger? you're going to go to hell if you don't change, and a lot. just as i've deleted your posts, i'm now going to delete you from my list of friends.

(For the record, I don't think I actually mocked God. Just His boneheaded followers who insist on using Him as an excuse to be bigoted assholes. But, hey! Semantics, right?)

But just to be clear, Neal honestly believes I'm going to Hell for the sin of NOT hating gay people? And people wonder why I don't go to church anymore...

Friday, January 09, 2009

Happy 2009!

A new year is underway, and service will resume very shortly here at Click... Click... Click... BANG!!! In the meantime, I hope all of you had a very merry Christmas, Hanukkah, Ramadan, Yule, Winter Solstice, Kwanzaa, or any other holiday you may have chosen to celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Note: This joke was totally stolen from my girlfriend Stephanie's t-shirt.