Thursday, April 28, 2005

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

***XXX - Hot Wet Spanking News - XXX***


The Iraq Survey Group (a CIA/Pentagon team searching for Iraqi weapons programs) announced that their search for WMDs has been exhausted. They didn't find any. And no, Saddam didn't ship them to Syria.

You know, if Bush would just come out and say, "Okay, we fucked up. But at least some good came out of it," then I might respect him slightly. Not much, but at least the same level of respect I have for that goddamn State Fair chicken that always beats me at Tic Tac Toe.

But I'm not holding my breath. Bush has been blessed with supporters who have absolutely no long term memory, and most of them already believe that the only reason we ever went into Iraq was to overthrow Saddam and spread democracy. They also believe that Saddam was responsible for 9/11 and that Bush was a fighter pilot. They're not the brightest burning crosses on the front lawn...

Bush Gets Punk'd

Here's a story about a false alarm that sent Bush scrambling to an underground shelter today. For those of you too lazy to click or who are afraid that CNN is just a pawn of the satanic left-wing, here's the skinny:

There was a report that an unidentified aircraft had entered restricted space near the White House, so security officials ushered Bush from the Oval Office to an underground shelter. Security officers armed with shotguns then took up positions around the White House, because everybody knows it takes a shotgun to blast an airplane out of the sky.

Vice President Dick Cheney wasn't at the White House at the time, but he showed up a few minutes after the scare ended. What CNN doesn't report is that Cheney was giggling and kept saying, "I can't believe the dumb fuck FELL FOR IT! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Bush was available for comment, but the senior staff all agree it's generally not a good idea to let the president speak.

An End to the Delay on DeLay?

The House GOP has backed off on the ethics rules that were sheltering Tom DeLay. It makes me wonder if the Republicans are going to stand behind DeLay, or cut him loose and make him their new bastard stepchild. At the moment, Bush is speaking out heavily in favor of DeLay, but that doesn't matter. It's not like any of his supporters are going to remember it...

(By the way, Tom DeLay claims that he didn't serve in the military during Viet Nam because their ranks were already filled up by men of color who saw military service as an excellent means to escape the ghetto. That has nothing to do with this news story, but it's so fucking retarded that it's bears repeating...)

Proactive, Not Radioactive!

President Bush is planning on unveiling his new energy initiatives today, including plans to simplify nuclear power regulations.

Okay, that scares the living fuck out of me, because when Bush says "simplify," he usually means "relax" or "do away with altogether." If his past environmental performance is any indication, I imagine he'll propose a "Mutation Free Initiative," which will permit the burial of waste under schoolyards and playgrounds.

I'm Not Sure What This Is...

...but it's got spaceship battles, giant Godzilla-like women, and some guy who looks like Joey Butafucco's ugly brother. In other words, it's only THE GREATEST MOVIE IN THE HISTORY OF MAN-FUCKING-KIND!!!!!

Click it, then gaze in wonder...

***UPDATE: I did a Google on Gary Pranzo and found out that he runs a production company that specializes in fetish films about giant women. I'm kind of naive about fetishes, but I think this might be the best one ever.

Anyway, I linked to the trailer on his site so I could free up my meager web resources for more important things, like that gay slash Star Trek furry fan fiction I've been working on... NOW WITH GIANT UHURA!

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Yeehaw! Take That, Gay People!

The Texas House of Representatives voted 101-29 in favor of banning same-sex marriage, because apparently two men getting married is just the first step on a slippery slope that will lead to YOUR CHILDREN huffing paint and blowing strangers in truck stop restrooms.

What's fucked up is that Texas doesn't even acknowledge same-sex marriages now! I have no idea why Warren Chisum and the rest of his klavern are even TRYING to make it an official amendment. But at least next time one of them is banging his mistress, he'll be able to brag about how he was instrumental in preserving the sanctity of marriage.

Of course, the debate turned into a religious argument, and where better to settle matters of faith than in the GODDAMN STATE CAPITOL? Chisum feels that God really hates homosexuals, and that all Christians should be encouraged to do likewise. After all, it's not like gay people REALLY love each other. The only reason they want to get married is to make the baby Jesus cry.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised. This is the same progressive bunch that had to be told by the Supreme Court that executing children and retarded people was wrong. But Monday marked a victory for the brain-dead right, and I can only assume the ceiling of the House Chamber was riddled with bullet holes as the representatives danced a jig and fired their sixguns into the air.

Sigh... sometimes I really hate this fucking state.

Monday, April 25, 2005

And Finally Tonight, a Little Something for the LADIES...

Yet Another Name Change...

Because after a self-indulgant, wallowing post like the last one, nothing cheers me up more than changing the name of my blog!

I went with this title because it's SJ's favorite, and since right now she makes up roughly 100% of my fanbase*, I figure it's the least I can do.

*Not counting the numerous e-mails I receive each week inviting me to "fuck off" or "burn in FAG HELL." These are usually sent anonymously, but I'm pretty sure they're from Bob Novak.

Just When I Thought I Was Out...

Those of you who have been with me all along, or those of you masochistic enough to delve into the archives and see what the fuck I was whining about a year ago may recall a particularly angsty and morose post in which I lamented the fact that I was in love with a married woman who had decided to cheat on her husband with somebody besides me.

It was all just a tad melodramatic. I went on and on about how I'd never be over her, about how I'd never be happy again, blah, blah, fucking blah. Amazing the difference a year makes. It's all a little embarrassing now.

After that post, I wanted nothing to do with her. She kept trying to reach me through Instant Messenger and e-mail, but I just ignored her and waited for her to go away. She eventually did, and I thought the issue was closed.

Then in October, her boyfriend e-mailed me some photos of her dressed in black lingerie and sitting in a chair with her legs crossed. I'm not 100% sure why he sent them, but I think I was supposed to be devastated or eat my heart out. Real class act. I replied back, "Wow. I'm surprised she was able to keep her legs together long enough for you to take the pictures." There was no response after that. No more IMs. No more e-mails. I figured I was finally free of that whore and her retarded boyfriend.

Then last night, my phone started ringing. I recognized her phone number on the Caller ID, so I didn't answer because, frankly, I had no desire to open that can of skanky worms again. But it wasn't her. It was her husband. He finally left me a message, asking me if I had any information on the guy she'd been cheating with.

I found out from a mutual friend that she had left her husband in about the classiest way imaginable, by sending him a text message telling him that she wants a divorce and half the house. Christ, I can't believe I ever thought I was in love with this fucking harpy.

Anyway, it's not like her husband and I were ever friends. I think he suspected I had the hots for his wife and made it clear he didn't much like me. But now that she's left him for someone else (that's not me), it's almost like he imagines we're on the same team now.

I just got off the phone with him. He called back four times, and I finally decided to just bite the bullet and talk to him. I told him I didn't know the guy she was with, and that I hadn't talked to her in a year. Then I told him I was sorry he was going through this, that he was a good man, and he deserved a hell of a lot better.

And I felt like the world's biggest hypocrite doing so, because if she had offered to leave her husband for me a year ago, I would have happily gone along with it. Christ, sometimes I just suck...

It's all so creepy, and I feel like an utter shit for ever getting involved. I'm sorry I ever met this bitch, and I'm sorry for all the people (her husband, her son, her friends) that she's hurt so callously, and I'm especially sorry for whatever part I may have played in this whole goddamn fiasco.


Saturday, April 23, 2005

New Improved Blog... now 38% more EXTREEEEME!

Actually, I just changed the title. And the colors. And messed around with some of the font sizes. Why? BECAUSE I'M A FUCKING MADMAN!!!

Gotta run. I'm missing Spongebob.

Friday, April 22, 2005

Jesus Dress Up!

It's about the most fun you'll ever have blaspheming your Lord and Savior! Click here, and may God have mercy on your soul...

I'm an agnostic lacking any sort of moral barometer,
and even I know THIS is wrong!

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Swimming Pools... Movie Stars... The Bel Aryans!

On Tuesday, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger took a bold stand and announced that the U.S. should close its borders, because apparently he's tired of foreigners coming into this country and taking away jobs from hardworking Americans, such as former California Governor Gray Davis.

Well, it turns out that slightly more than 100% of the population of California consists of "foreigners," and these proud savages expressed their displeasure by offering up straw to their pagan gods and asking that Schwarzenegger be smited.

So now Schwarzenegger is recanting and blaming the whole "misunderstanding" on his poor English. "Because instead of closing [the borders], I meant securing. I think maybe my English, I need to go back to school and study a little bit." He then added, "Hasta la vista, baby."

Loyal Republicans rally in Sacramento
to show their support for Schwarzenegger.

President Bush, who made a similar blunder when he accidentally said "WMDs and Al Qaeda" instead of "liberating Iraq," is understandably sympathetic towards the misshapen statesman. In a press conference held Thursday morning, he had this to say:

"It's ludiculous to think one of the good foreigners like Schwarzenegger would adviculate closing the borders to all immigrators. It should be ovulous to anybody that he only meant to keep out the darker... oops, I crapped my pants again!"

No Democrats were available for comment, since their party was officially dissolved in 2002.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Yeehaw! What Kind of American English Do Y'all Speak?

I found this quiz on SJ's blog, Give Me the Booger. She scored 45% Dixie, so I can only assume that when she took the test, she was wearing a NASCAR t-shirt and red flip flops and making out with her cousin.

My 15% Dixie probably came from the fact that I refer to every goddamn carbonated drink as a "Coke," and I still can't break myself from saying the occasional "Y'all."

Yeah, I know it makes me sound like a rope-belt-wearin', shotgun-totin', Bush-votin' retard, but old habits die hard. It took me most of my adult life to wean myself off of "fixin' to" and "big ol'," and I'm proud to say that the only time I ever threaten to "open a can of whupass" is when I'm profoundly drunk and have been listening to Lynard Skynard.

And this bird you cannot chayayayayange~~~~

Your Linguistic Profile:

60% General American English

20% Yankee

15% Dixie

5% Midwestern

0% Upper Midwestern

Fun with Jack Chick #8

Monday, April 18, 2005

Feelin' Great and Full of Hate at Thirty Eight!!!

I just turned 38, which means I'm only one year younger than the goddamn Super Bowl.

My buddy Sean threw me a party last Wednesday at the Pocket Sandwich Theater, where 4 out of 5 Doctors was performing. 4 out of 5 Doctors is a local improv group, so before the show they passed out slips of paper and asked the audience to suggest ideas for sketches.

Sean suggested, "A druid goes into a bait shop and experiences bemused resignation." I offered up, "A narcoleptic FBI agent goes undercover to capture Space Dracula."

They didn't use our suggestions, the bastards.

Anyway, I didn't really have any profound thoughts or observations to offer on reaching the big XXXVIII (I sort of shot my wad with that Super Bowl comment), so I figured I'd just hit the ol' Wikipedia and see what kind of historic shit was going on 38 years ago, in 1967.

As always, this is all entirely true. I would never make up stuff like this. It would be a complete waste of everybody's time.*

In 1967:
  • The "Boston Strangler" is convicted and sentenced to life in prison.

  • Military coup takes place in Sierra Leone.

  • At the age of 20, George W. Bush finally graduates from high school and enrolls at Yale as the proud recipient of the coveted Barbara Bush Scholarship. However, his education gets put on hold after he enlists in the Texas Air National Guard to keep Galveston Beach safe from Charlie.

  • The U. S. Supreme Court declares all state laws banning interracial marriage to be unconstitutional. The next day, Thurgood Marshall is nominated to the Supreme Court. Coincidence? Probably.

  • Che Guevara is captured in Boliva and executed for attempting to incite a revolution.

  • The term "black hole" is coined for the first time by Professor John Archibald Wheeler.

  • Several swift boat officers witness John Kerry's heinous attempt to defraud the U. S. government out of a Purple Heart and are so outraged that they don't mention it to anyone until 37 years later, after their checks from Karl Rove have cleared.

  • A middle-aged and overweight Arthur "The Fonz" Fonzarelli is devoured by sharks. His last words are, "Aaaaaaaaay! Sit on... OH FUCK! NO! NOOO! AAAARGH!!!"

  • Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band is released.

  • Race riots sweep through Washington D. C. and Detroit. Republicans blame interracial marriage and Bill Clinton. Thurgood Marshall is unavailable for comment because he's too busy watching his new color TV.
*Conan O'Brien and I have the same birthday, which is sort of ironic, since I totally lifted this line from him.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

The Worst Halftime Show... EVER!!!

Jesus A. Sandwich! Finally, a video that manages to make even the marching band look cool by comparison! Click here, and let the deep hurting begin...

Friday, April 15, 2005

I Did It All for the Cookie!!!

The Muppets have always been rebels, man! From Bert and Ernie's alternative lifestyle to the Count's obsessive-compulsiveness to Big Bird's endless Snuffaluffagus hallucinations, the Muppets have always been about flaunting the rules. And there was no one more defiant than Cookie Monster! Flipping a felt finger at conventional nutritional values, he scarfed down cookies by the fistful. And with each gluttonous bite, children across the nation would raise their fists in solidarity and cry, "Snack on, Cookie, you magnificent bastard!"

But the dream is over. It all started when Senator Bill Frist went on "Sesame Street" to teach Elmo how to exercise (apparently you can burn 100 calories with 15 minutes of goosestepping). And now, goddammit, Cookie Monster has sold out! PBS has decided that children are fat because "Sesame Street" told them to eat cookies. Which makes sense, I suppose. I seem to remember a lot of kids setting themselves on fire because "Jackass" told them to.

So now, instead of singing the anthemic "C Is For Cookie, That's Good Enough For Me," Cookie Monster will be regaling us with the insipid "A Cookie Is a Sometimes Food."

Sigh. It's the end of an era.

Senator Bill Frist educates Elmo on medical matters.

Cookie Monster, you GODDAMN SELLOUT!!!

Many parents blame their children's obesity
on classic "Sesame Street" skits such as this one.

Cookie Monster panties are a sometimes food too!

I Love Football on TV... Shots of Gina Lee...

After approximately 19 months of pregnancy, my sister Sunny finally birthed her some twins! We're talking almost 13 goddamn pounds of baby here, my friend! (Or nearly 6,000,000 milligrams if you're into that whole metric thing.)

We don't know if they're fraternal or identical. If they have different blood types, then they're definitely fraternal. If their blood types are the same, then there's still a 30% chance that they're fraternal. Even if they look exactly alike, there's always a chance that they're fraternal. The only way we'll ever know if they're identical will be if they develop creepy telepathic powers and the ability to hypnotize people with their glowing eyes.

Anyway, here they are. Their names are Luke Christian and Campbell Ross Polito, although Nick (my brother-in-law) also suggested Vito and Guido Polito. I'm pretty sure that's Luke on the left, but I'm not 100% certain. I guess I don't really have to worry about telling them apart until they get old enough to talk...

Shit! I can't tell us apart, either!

Thursday, April 14, 2005

A Purpose-Driven Life (plus some shit about Tourettes)

Yeah, I know. It's been a while.

When I first started this blog, my creative juices were just churning and bubbling and ready to spew out all over the upholstery. But after a couple of months, my interest began to dwindle.

Then I got my first comments. One was from a woman named SJ, whom I've never met, but still love with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns and will one day bear her children, OH YES! Another was from Cracker, who is still the only funny conservative I've ever encountered. Seriously. The dude makes me giggle like Bush at an execution.

And then there were the comments from some slathering Bush fanboy whose entire blog consisted of nothing but links to Rush Limbaugh and FOX News. He took time out from his witty and insightful posts about Kerry having rice in his ass to scold me about the level of my discourse. It was all just a little too ironic. Or for the benefit of any conservatives who might be reading this, "ironical." Anyway, my interest was renewed and I posted like a madman on every goddamn thing that popped into my mind. It was like digital Tourettes.

(I used to work for a guy named Leon who was from South Africa, and one day he overheard me and my friend Brian talking about Tourettes Syndrome. The following conversation actually took place:

Leon: I've heard about Tourettes Syndrome. What exactly is it?

Me: It's where that filter in your brain that tells you not to say things doesn't work, so as soon as something pops into your head, you blurt it out.

Leon: So you just say things like "Fuck you"?

Brian: Yeah, but other stuff too.

Leon: Like what?

Brian: Well, some people yell out racist things.

Leon: Wow! So if somebody from South Africa had Tourettes Syndrome...

Me (interrupting): You probably wouldn't be able to tell.

Leon: Fuck you.

But I digress...)

After the election in November, I sort of lost interest again. Since then, I've posted once or twice a month, mainly to avoid any holes in my archive list. (I actually didn't post in January, so I had to backdate one.) But frankly, I just haven't felt like I really had much to say.

In that time, I've received a number of e-mails from people who frequent my blog. Some are from Christian conservatives who offer their sincerest wishes that my "liberal ass burns in FAG HELL asshole!!!!" (speaking of Tourettes). The others simply want to know, "Are you dead? And if not, when the fuck are you going to post some more?"

It's been a year since I started this blog, and I guess I felt the time had come to put a little more effort into it.

So will I be elevating the level of my discourse? SHIT, NO! If it bothers you to be reminded that our president is a war-mongering illiterate retard who hates gay people, then I suggest you avoid this blog. And the news.

What I will be doing is posting more frequently. Some days I may even have something worthwhile to say. If not, I'll just post one of those annoying 16-year-old-girl essays about the torments of my dark and wondrous soul. OMG! HOTT!!!

Or maybe I could just post links to Rush Limbaugh and FOX News. That shit's A LOT easier than thinking...