A lot of my friends are Christians. And homophobic.
Oh, they’ll deny it. “I resent that! Just because I believe that the gays are attempting to undermine the moral integrity of this nation and drag us down into a cesspool of sodomy and drug use, where our children will be forced to turn tricks behind dumpsters for their next fix of heroin, that doesn’t make me homophobic!”
If I’m lucky, they’ll tag on, “I mean, some of my friends are gays!”
A lot of churches have evaded the issue by railing against homosexuality as a concept, while avoiding the mention of any names. Except for Ellen DeGeneres. And those Queer Eye guys. And Hilary Clinton, whom a lot of people think is a lesbian because Rush Limbaugh once said so, although there’s a pretty good chance it was just the crystal meth talking. But I digress…
Anyway, as much as I admire the progressive Christian attitude of “hate the faggotry, love the faggot,” I still find myself unable to get on board. I just can’t generate enough fear and loathing against a group of people who never did me any harm. I mean, not counting Will and Grace.
But I guess I can sympathize, because I have a similar issue. You see, I am utterly disgusted by the thought of old people having sex.
I understand that they are consenting adults, and I know that nobody is forcing me to have sex with an old person, but it disturbs me just knowing that they’re out there, bumping their wrinkled uglies.
Oh, I can hear you whiny liberal bastards now. “But Jesus never said anything bad against old, horny people!” Yeah, well he never said anything bad against child molesters either! Does that make it right?
So lest our nation deteriorate into an endless orgy of Ben Gay and adult diapers, I’d like to propose a constitutional amendment banning any people over the age of 60 from having sex. God knows, it would certainly make me feel better.
But I know. That’s just not constitutional. If we could actually ban people from having sex with each other, Bush and his team would have snuck a rider into the Patriot Act. Ironically, “sneaking a rider” sounds like a euphemism for gay sex. But again, I digress…
So instead of banning sex between old people, how about a constitutional amendment to keep them from getting married? We can define marriage as a union between two consenting adults who don’t drink buttermilk and still have their original hips.
Oh, it won’t solve the problem. They’ll still be out there having hot, wild, geriatric “whips and dentures” sex. But I always say, an unwarranted, hateful and mean-spirited attack is preferable to just sitting back and doing nothing. Right?
Take that, you old fuckers. God bless America.