Monday, April 30, 2007

A Message to the Unwashed Masses...

Welcome to the Bible Belt, oh mysterious traveler from afar. No doubt you find our ways puzzling, even troubling to your liberal wife-swapping Ivy League hippie sensibilities. How you came to be here is something of a mystery. Perhaps you were on your way to Burning Man and your car broke down. Or maybe you were on your way to Mexico to make a drug buy, and your car broke down. It's entirely possible that you were simply headed west to indulge in the sodomy, prostitution, or polygamy of California, Nevada, or Utah respectively, and your car broke down. But it doesn't matter what transpired to strand a sinner like you amongst God's Chosen. He has delivered you unto us, and now we must make every effort to save your soul before He smites you for your wickedness or your car gets fixed.

I'm sure you have many questions, but perhaps you are reluctant to ask them because you are afraid we will be offended by your heretical ways and drag you to death behind our pickup trucks. That is why, as a service for all visiting sinners, we have provided the following list of Frequently Asked Questions. Understand that this meager resource can hardly take the place of an education gained from reading the Bible, the Left Behind series, and all of Jack Chick's tracts, but it is as good a place as any to start you down the path of righteousness.

The Bible Belt. Putting the "fun" back into "fundamentalist."

What *is* the Bible Belt?
The Bible Belt is a series of states that have joined together to fight against the secular humanists, Jews, gays, Papists, liberals, and Satanists who seek to persecute us for our belief. The Bible Belt is a haven of religious liberty, where people can feel free to worship as they wish, no matter if they are Southern Baptist, Evangelical, Neo-evangelical, or Pentecostal.

What do you people believe, exactly?
We believe that an invisible man ("God") in the sky ("Heaven") is waging war over your immortal soul against an evil, red man with horns ("Satan") who lives in the center of the Earth ("Hell"). As part of an elaborate plot to keep you out of Hell, the invisible man let the Jews kill His son ("Jesus"), who came back from the dead on Easter, which is why we hide eggs. The people who believe this can get into Heaven. Those that have, unfortunately, read a book are doomed to an eternity of burning and torment. This also applies to anyone who was born in a country that doesn't worship the Baby Jesus, or those who worship a different Baby Jesus than we do.

Many people are resistant to these teachings at first, but most of them gradually come around to our way of thinking once we've held their head underwater for four minutes. Our beliefs are succinctly summed up by the Bible verse John 3:16:
For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life, unless they're gay. (NRSE*)

How do you guys feel about sex before marriage?
Sex before marriage is a sin. Sex after marriage is frowned upon as well. In fact, sex of any shape or form is filthy and should be discouraged. Unfortunately, rising above our carnal desires has had the unintended effect of diminishing our numbers. That's why we're so evangelical; since we don't reproduce, we're forced to recruit others to our cause just to keep our rosters active. Sort of like gay people.

You guys really seem to have it in for the gays. Why is that?
Ever since homosexuality was invented in the 1960s, the gays have posed a constant threat to the very moral fiber of this great nation. They've often aligned themselves with radical extremists like the ACLU in an effort to force their gay agenda on the rest of us. And now, our nation is faced with the issue of gay marriage, a hot-button topic that everyone really starts caring about right before elections. The fact is, if gay marriage is legalized, then its only a matter of time before bands of marauding homosexuals come marching down from the hills, divorcing good Christian folk at gunpoint, and forcing them into same-sex marriages. Besides, everyone knows that gay people don't really love each other. The only reason they want to get married is to make the Baby Jesus cry.

What is Intelligent Design?
The liberal, godless Scienazis would have you believe that man came from monkeys, and they're always bandying around their high-faluting "data" and their fancy-pants "scientific method" like they think that kind of talk will impress anybody. If their theory is so great, then why do they keep changing it every time they discover something new? That's not science; that's just flip-flopping.

To counter their outlandish monkey stories, we've come up with our own theories based on science. We postulate that God created everything in six days, made man out of dirt, and buried dinosaur bones to mess with the secular humanists. And unlike those whimpy evolutionists, our theories are in no way based on "data" or "scientific methods," so there's no danger of them changing.

Besides, it's a matter of simple logic. God made man out of dirt, which is why man must constantly bathe. Have you ever seen a monkey bathe? Case closed.

Do you guys really believe that the Bible is the literal and unerring word of God?
Yes, because it says so, right there in the Bible!

What does it mean to speak in tongues?
It is a blessing that only occurs to those who manage to successfully rid their brains of all extraneous distractions, like thoughts and ideas. When this happens, the Holy Spirit fills that person up and demonstrates God's majesty by making that person flail around and talk in an incomprehendible moon-man language.

But we understand that not everybody can be chosen to be a babbling, nonsensical instrument of our Lord. If you're ever attending a service and start to feel left out because of your glossolalia impairment, feel free to join in by repeating the following phrases in a quick, high-pitched voice:
She came in a Honda.
Untie my bowtie.
If you have trouble remembering these, you can also achieve the same result by spelling the name Eddie over and over again. ("E-D-D-I-E-E-D-D-I-EEEEEEEE!")

Do you guys have any enemies?
Of course we do! Apart from the usual gays, secularists, Muslims, Mormons, Papists, stem cells, French, intellectuals, and people who play Dungeons and Dragons, we have to keep a constant vigil against the Jews, who have infiltrated our entertainment industry and now control it along with the international banking cartels, which are the root of modern day communism. We're also constantly dealing with Madelyn Murray O'Hair, who keeps rising from the grave to get TV shows canceled because they say "God" on the air, or the tireless crusades of the liberals, who often kidnap orphans and grind them up to fuel their Bible burning machines.

But our greatest enemy is Satan and his nefarious demons, who are responsible for every ailment, affliction, and deviant behavior. Demons cause everything bad, from gout to gayness. Fortunately, these ailments are treatable, once the demons are cast out. A word of warning: Some people think that casting out demons requires an official "exorcist", but this is merely a fallicy perpetuated by the Papists. The fact is, demons can be cast out by *any* evangelist with a radio or TV show.

Is it possible to be a Christian *and* be intelligent?
Some people think so, but they practice a brand of inclusive, tolerant Christianity that flies in the face of everything Christ stood for. We fundamentalists tend to eschew that hippie liberal stuff and stick to the basics. After all, what's the fun of going to Heaven if just anybody can get in?

Do Christians have an obligation to help the poor and needy?
No. Giving money to the poor is a redistribution of wealth, which is nothing but communism, pure and simple. And we didn't fight this War on Terror just to hand America over to the commies. Besides, either those people are poor because they *chose* to be poor, or they're being punished by God for something bad they did.

At what age can someone become a Christian?
The Papists believe that sprinkling infants will make them Christians, but we heartily disagree. The disposition of your immortal soul is perhaps one of the most important decisions you'll ever make, so you should be at least five or six years old so you can consider the matter diligently.

Our Lord is fond of children. And while we no longer sacrifice them to Him like we used to, we still like to celebrate His love with this beautiful song that children sing in Sunday School:
Jesus loves the little Baptists
All the Baptists of the world.
White and white and white and white,
They are precious in his sight.
Jesus loves the Baptists of the world.

We hope you have found this FAQ to be helpful and informative. The Internets were originally created by Al Gore back in the 1970s so he and his godless accomplices could send pornography and facts about Chuck Norris back and forth to each other. However, it was our fervent hope to silk purse that sow's ear by using their wicked bandwidth to spread the message of God's love and mercy to those who are, no offense, probably as close to Heaven as you're ever going to get.

But if you've been moved by what you've read, then you probably feel a pounding in your chest right now. That's Jesus, knocking on your heart. Open it up, let him in, and experience the sheer joy that comes from knowing that you have escaped the eternal torment of Hell. Unless you're gay.

*New Red State Edition - An authentic transation of the Bible in its original English.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Interview: The Blog Sensation that's Sweeping the Nation!

I stumbled across this little meme on Kimmy's blog. It's sort of like a blog tag, only in reverse! At my request, Kimmy sent me five interview questions, which I am now required, by law, to answer on my blog.

1. Name 5 things you can't live without (not to include food and water).
Stephanie, The Colbert Report, World of Warcraft, Diet Black Cherry Vanilla Coke, and my embarrassingly huge collection of comic books.

2. What's your dream job?
Ninja pirate rock star cowboy astronaut supermodel.

3. Do you miss Lubbock or are you happy it is in your rearview mirror?
I miss college, I miss the frat house, and I miss my friends. But without any of those things, Lubbock is pretty much the armpit of Texas. (I was going to say asshole of Texas, but I personally believe that dubious honor belongs to Texarkana.)

4. What are your thoughts on basset hounds?
Next to dachshunds, probably the best breed of dog EVER! I always thought it would be cool to have a basset hound named Steve. I don't know why.

5. Would you ever take one of those stripper/pole dancing classes?
No, but I would be more than happy to audit the class...

Okay, if the threes of you who are still reading this blog would like to play, here's how it works:

  • Leave me a comment (with your e-mail address) requesting an interview.
  • I will lovingly craft five questions with my own two hands and e-mail them to you.
  • Post the questions and your answers to your blog.
  • Include an explanation for others who want to play, and offer to interview them if they request it.
  • When your legions of adoring fans post a comment asking to be interviewed, send them five questions.

It's fun! It's easy! It's self-contained and fairly explanatory!

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Blog Tag: The Musical

Okay, this is one of those blog tag thingies that the kids are always going on about. The way it works is, you list seven songs that you are into right now, no matter WHAT they might be, along with a brief description or snide comment. And then, when you're done, you tag seven other people to find out what they're listening to. If you do, then something good will happen to you. If you don't, then an adorable little kitten will inexplicably die.

My good friend Kimmy, who is originally from Georgia and is the only person I've ever met who actually eats grits on a regular basis, tagged me in her blog Deep Thoughts with Kimmy. And now, I shall return the favor by inflicting you with unwanted personal information and then saddling you with the task of doing the same. From the top! A one! A two!

1. Was It Something I Said? - Amy Crenshaw and the Crosstown Boys
Every once in a while, I get in a rockabilly mood and this is one of my favorites. Amy's got a brilliant voice (someone once said she sounds like the love child of Patsy Cline and Jerry Lee Lewis), and guitarist Alan Wooley (originally from Killbilly) tears up the instrumental ride in the middle.

2. Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd
I was a huge Floyd fan in college, partly because I really liked the music and partly because I thought it made me dark and interesting. I'd forgotten just how much I love this song (especially David Gilmour's guitar solo on the outro) until I stumbled across it on 92.5 the other day. I've since dusted off my CDs for The Wall and added them to my musical rotation.

3. Sin Wagon - Dixie Chicks
I'll admit I didn't start listening to the Dixie Chicks until Natalie Maines blasted Dubya in her London concert and all their whiny hillbilly fans started buying their CDs so they could burn them, which ironically drove their sales up even higher. I'm not an unabashed fan of all their work, but I really do dig this song. And we Texans who despise Bush really need to stick together...

4. Haunted/When the Minutes Drag - Love and Rockets
I am not now, nor have I ever been, goth. My soul is neither dark nor wonderous, and I never really cared for Peter Murphy or his Bauhaus oeuvre. But for some reason, I really dig Love and Rockets. I'm a huge fan of this song, but I find it really difficult to sing along with it without eventually launching into the Schoolhouse Rock Unpack Your Adjectives song...

5. Rhapsody in Blue - George Gershwin
This has always been one of my favorites (a holdover from my band geek days, no doubt), but I can't listen to it during my daily commute because my drive time is so short these days. Not that I'm complaining... Anyway, it's a cool song with a cool history: Gershwin just happened to stumble across a publicity piece in the newspaper announcing an upcoming concert, featuring a brand new composition from him. He didn't have a composition ready, so he threw this one together in less than a month. The other instruments were scored, but Gerswhin improvised most of the piano part on the night of the concert, nodding to let the conductor know when it was time to come in. Gershwin was a bad ass.

6. Diamond Light Boogie - Cherry Poppin' Daddies
These guys are probably best known for their swing music (Zoot Suit Riot), but they're actually pretty eclectic, playing swing, ska, punk, rock, and even a little twangy country. This song, like so many others of theirs, pretty much defies classification. Let the 21st century roll!

7. Fly Me to the Moon - Frank Sinatra
Stephanie and I smooched to this song in front of the Bellagio Fountains in Vegas, so now it is officially our song. This is the first relationship I've ever been in where we've had "a song," so I'm pretty excited that we ended up with one so cool. Instead of, say, The Nights the Lights Went Out in Georgia.

Okay, that's my seven. Now whom shall I tag? How about...

SJ (yeah, Kimmy already tagged her, but I knew her first so I'm going to tag her too)
Mr. Schprock

Okay, kids. Get to sharing!

Friday, April 20, 2007

Reaching Across the Aisle...

Let's face it. As a nation, we've been divided down partisan lines for far too long. That's why I'm always happy when a day like April 20 rolls around, a day that celebrates smoking pot as well as the birth of Adolph Hitler. This is truly a holiday that the liberals and the conservatives can enjoy together.

Achtung, baby!!!!

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Does This Make *Me* the Evil Twin?

My dear friend and former fraternity brother Shaffner (not his real name, but darn close) has started a blog that is intended to be the antithesis of mine, so much so that he named it !!!GNAB ...kcilC ...kcilC ...kcilC. I'm deeply flattered, and not just a little curious as to what this "antithesis" entails. I can only assume it will consist of thoughtful, well-researched posts that don't make frequent use of the word "retard."

Check it out!

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Lordy Lordy...

Well, I just turned the big four-oh. I have just taken my first step on a slippery slope that will inevitably lead to geezerhood, with its Matlock and its large ear horns and its adult diapers and its damn kids playing on my lawn...

So, why is 40 such a milestone? Because it's divisible by 5. Why does that matter? I'm glad you asked, Louise. Our entire number system is based on the fact that we have 5 fingers on each hand. That's why we count the way we do. If we had 6 fingers on each hand, like so many of those lucky hillbilly bastards in the Appalachians, then I'd only be 34 and we wouldn't be having this conversation. Conversely if all we had were our thumbs, then I'd be 101,000 years old. But I digress...

Actually, 40 wasn't quite as traumatic as I thought it would be. I've got a great job doing something I enjoy. I've got a smart, beautiful, funny woman who, inexplicably, seems just as enamored of me as I am of her. I've got good friends, a loving family... I've still got half my grandparents, for Chrissake! And despite the fact that the lines are starting to show around my eyes and the gray is creeping into my temples, I still occasionally get carded when buying beer. Hell, my mid-life is way better than my youth ever was!

For all my bubbling optimism, I suppose there is one fly in the ointment. When I was younger, it was always my fantasy to have people admiring something I had written, shaking their heads in astonishment and saying, "He's how old? Seriously? How could someone his age produce such amazing work?" But that ship has sailed. No matter how much I excel at something, no matter how much I dazzle my audience, I will never be a prodigy. But I'm a firm believer in lighting a candle rather than cursing the goddamn darkness, so I've adjusted my fantasy somewhat. Maybe when I'm in my 90s, people will be admiring something I've written, shaking their heads in astonishment, and saying, "He's how old? Seriously? How could someone his age produce such amazing work?"

Yeah, I know it's a pretty pedestrian fantasy. But that's because I haven't got to the part about being punished by Amanda Peet's identical twin great-granddaughters...