Sunday, April 04, 2004

Personality Quiz

This is an actual personality quiz administered by many companies in the Fortune 500 to determine the mental state of their employees. Dr. Phil administered this test to Oprah and she became so enraged that she smashed a chair over his enormous, bald head. I think she scored a 26. I swear to God, this is entirely real! I would never make up something like this! It would be a colossal waste of everybody's time if I did!

The following is pretty accurate, and it only takes two minutes. Take this test for yourself and send it to everybody else you know, and something really wonderful will happen to you! Really! I did it, and five minutes later I was in bed with Amanda Peet! Conversely, Amanda deleted this e-mail as soon as she received it and five minutes later was in bed with me!

Just answer the following ten questions as honestly as the limited choices will allow, and then prepare to be judged!

1. When you wake up in the morning, you:

a) cringe at the thought of enduring another day.

b) sob bitterly as your pleasant dream fades, leaving you face to face with your horrible life.

c) pray to God to give you the strength not to drive off a bridge on your way to work.

d) pull the trigger and, if the chamber is empty, reluctantly get out of bed.

2. When you look in the mirror, you immediately think:

a) "God, I'm fat!"

b) "How did I get so fat?"

c) "I'm probably going to die alone because I'm so fat."

d) "I am a decent person with a good heart and a wonderful sense of... oh, who am I kidding? Look how fat I am!"

3. When talking to people, you:

a) stare at the ground and speak in a whisper.

b) bury your face in your hands to avoid making eye contact.

c) suddenly scream and panic as the realization of your low self-worth washes over you.

d) often find yourself paying $2.99 for the first minute, and $1.00 for each additional minute.

4. Which of the following colors do you like most?

a) black

b) obsidian

c) ebony

d) the bleak, somber color of loneliness and despair (black)

5. When you are going to sleep at night, in those last few moments before you drift off, you lie:

a) in a fetal position.

b) with your hands over your ears to stave off those wicked, wicked voices.

c) flat on your back, with your arms crossed over your chest, inviting the cold embrace of sweet, sweet death.

d) under the bed.

6. You often dream that you are:

a) happy.

b) successful.

c) in love.

d) someone else.

7. When faced with difficult choices, you often find that you are unable to distinguish between:

a) immediate gratification and long-term happiness.

b) healthy behavior and self-destructive impulses.

c) good and evil.

d) your ass and a hole in the ground.

8. If you're working hard and somebody interrupts you, you feel:

a) angry.

b) incensed.

c) furious.

d) a white hot rage so severe that you can barely choke back your bile.

9. Do you feel that life is pointless and that we're all spiraling blindly into a chaotic abyss of uncertainty?

a) Yes.

b) Yes, absolutely.

c) I can't argue with that.

d) Wow, do you feel it too?

10. Your relationships end most often when:

a) your partner grows tired of dealing with all of your self-loathing.

b) your partner finds somebody better.

c) your partner steals your TV, VCR and jewelry while you're at work.

d) you dismember your partner and stuff him or her into a tight crawlspace.

POINTS: Give yourself 1 point for every "a" answer, 2 points for every "b" answer, 3 points for every "c" answer, and 4 points for every "d" answer.

Now add up the total number of points.

10 - 20 POINTS: You are insecure and totally lacking in self-confidence. Like THIS is really going to help.

21 - 30 POINTS: You are a horrible person, and everybody knows it. Anybody that pretends otherwise is simply using you for their own nefarious purposes.

31 - 40 POINTS: You are a wretched excuse for a human being with absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever. You know it, I know it, and Dr. Phil knows it.

MORE THAN 40 POINTS: You either cheated, which makes you truly pathetic, or you miscounted, which merely makes you incredibly stupid. Either way, it's time to end this shallow charade you call a life. Remember to cut up and down, not across.

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