The Mob Has Spoken

First off, lest I be perceived as a sore loser, I'd like to congratulate the Republicans on finally getting their man Bush elected. Now that he's really the president, I'm sure he'll accomplish magnificent and heroic things.

Shudder...

Okay. That said, I have to admit this was the most fascinating election I've ever experienced. After the homogenous campaigns of 2000, it was refreshing to actually see a difference between the two sides.

(No, I'm not counting Nader. The man received no electoral votes. That's the same number as I got, and I didn't even run.)

Perhaps most interesting were the numerous and diverse reasons that people gave for supporting their candidates. The following poll will give you an idea of why people voted as they did. As always, this is entirely real. I swear. Why would I make up something like this? It would just be a colossal waste of everybody's time.

Voter Poll - Election 2004

I voted for John Kerry because:

• He's not Bush (29%)
• Anyone's better than Bush (22%)
• Bush sucks (9%)
• I hate Bush (28%)
• I didn't want Bush to win (11%)
• After studying the two candidates and carefully weighing their stands on the issues, I realized that Kerry was the better choice (1%)

I voted for George W. Bush because:

• He really, really hates faggots (13%)
• Kerry somehow convinced hundreds of soldiers to participate in an elaborate hoax to con the American government out of a Purple Heart (3%)
• Kerry has aligned himself with anti-God, anti-Christian organizations in order to undermine the morality of America (4%)
• He's a good Christian man. And he hates faggots (6%)
• He lives on a farm (5%)
• His daughters are really hot (8%)
• Bush, Schmush. I was carried away on a wave of Cheney-risma! (1%)
• The Grand Imperial Wizard said it was the only way I'd ever see my kids alive again (4%)
• Jesus told me to (14%)
• It's easier than thinking (12%)
• When the rest of the world was distracted by Osama Bin Laden, Bush was determined to focus on the true enemy... Saddam Hussein (17%)
• He believes that life is sacred, at least until it leaves the womb. Once that little bastard is born, he has to take his chances along with the rest of us (9%)
• After studying the two candidates and carefully weighing their stands on the issues, I realized that Bush was the better choice. Plus, he really hates faggots (4%)