Monday, April 30, 2007

A Message to the Unwashed Masses...

Welcome to the Bible Belt, oh mysterious traveler from afar. No doubt you find our ways puzzling, even troubling to your liberal wife-swapping Ivy League hippie sensibilities. How you came to be here is something of a mystery. Perhaps you were on your way to Burning Man and your car broke down. Or maybe you were on your way to Mexico to make a drug buy, and your car broke down. It's entirely possible that you were simply headed west to indulge in the sodomy, prostitution, or polygamy of California, Nevada, or Utah respectively, and your car broke down. But it doesn't matter what transpired to strand a sinner like you amongst God's Chosen. He has delivered you unto us, and now we must make every effort to save your soul before He smites you for your wickedness or your car gets fixed.

I'm sure you have many questions, but perhaps you are reluctant to ask them because you are afraid we will be offended by your heretical ways and drag you to death behind our pickup trucks. That is why, as a service for all visiting sinners, we have provided the following list of Frequently Asked Questions. Understand that this meager resource can hardly take the place of an education gained from reading the Bible, the Left Behind series, and all of Jack Chick's tracts, but it is as good a place as any to start you down the path of righteousness.

The Bible Belt. Putting the "fun" back into "fundamentalist."

What *is* the Bible Belt?
The Bible Belt is a series of states that have joined together to fight against the secular humanists, Jews, gays, Papists, liberals, and Satanists who seek to persecute us for our belief. The Bible Belt is a haven of religious liberty, where people can feel free to worship as they wish, no matter if they are Southern Baptist, Evangelical, Neo-evangelical, or Pentecostal.

What do you people believe, exactly?
We believe that an invisible man ("God") in the sky ("Heaven") is waging war over your immortal soul against an evil, red man with horns ("Satan") who lives in the center of the Earth ("Hell"). As part of an elaborate plot to keep you out of Hell, the invisible man let the Jews kill His son ("Jesus"), who came back from the dead on Easter, which is why we hide eggs. The people who believe this can get into Heaven. Those that have, unfortunately, read a book are doomed to an eternity of burning and torment. This also applies to anyone who was born in a country that doesn't worship the Baby Jesus, or those who worship a different Baby Jesus than we do.

Many people are resistant to these teachings at first, but most of them gradually come around to our way of thinking once we've held their head underwater for four minutes. Our beliefs are succinctly summed up by the Bible verse John 3:16:
For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life, unless they're gay. (NRSE*)

How do you guys feel about sex before marriage?
Sex before marriage is a sin. Sex after marriage is frowned upon as well. In fact, sex of any shape or form is filthy and should be discouraged. Unfortunately, rising above our carnal desires has had the unintended effect of diminishing our numbers. That's why we're so evangelical; since we don't reproduce, we're forced to recruit others to our cause just to keep our rosters active. Sort of like gay people.

You guys really seem to have it in for the gays. Why is that?
Ever since homosexuality was invented in the 1960s, the gays have posed a constant threat to the very moral fiber of this great nation. They've often aligned themselves with radical extremists like the ACLU in an effort to force their gay agenda on the rest of us. And now, our nation is faced with the issue of gay marriage, a hot-button topic that everyone really starts caring about right before elections. The fact is, if gay marriage is legalized, then its only a matter of time before bands of marauding homosexuals come marching down from the hills, divorcing good Christian folk at gunpoint, and forcing them into same-sex marriages. Besides, everyone knows that gay people don't really love each other. The only reason they want to get married is to make the Baby Jesus cry.

What is Intelligent Design?
The liberal, godless Scienazis would have you believe that man came from monkeys, and they're always bandying around their high-faluting "data" and their fancy-pants "scientific method" like they think that kind of talk will impress anybody. If their theory is so great, then why do they keep changing it every time they discover something new? That's not science; that's just flip-flopping.

To counter their outlandish monkey stories, we've come up with our own theories based on science. We postulate that God created everything in six days, made man out of dirt, and buried dinosaur bones to mess with the secular humanists. And unlike those whimpy evolutionists, our theories are in no way based on "data" or "scientific methods," so there's no danger of them changing.

Besides, it's a matter of simple logic. God made man out of dirt, which is why man must constantly bathe. Have you ever seen a monkey bathe? Case closed.

Do you guys really believe that the Bible is the literal and unerring word of God?
Yes, because it says so, right there in the Bible!

What does it mean to speak in tongues?
It is a blessing that only occurs to those who manage to successfully rid their brains of all extraneous distractions, like thoughts and ideas. When this happens, the Holy Spirit fills that person up and demonstrates God's majesty by making that person flail around and talk in an incomprehendible moon-man language.

But we understand that not everybody can be chosen to be a babbling, nonsensical instrument of our Lord. If you're ever attending a service and start to feel left out because of your glossolalia impairment, feel free to join in by repeating the following phrases in a quick, high-pitched voice:
She came in a Honda.
Untie my bowtie.
If you have trouble remembering these, you can also achieve the same result by spelling the name Eddie over and over again. ("E-D-D-I-E-E-D-D-I-EEEEEEEE!")

Do you guys have any enemies?
Of course we do! Apart from the usual gays, secularists, Muslims, Mormons, Papists, stem cells, French, intellectuals, and people who play Dungeons and Dragons, we have to keep a constant vigil against the Jews, who have infiltrated our entertainment industry and now control it along with the international banking cartels, which are the root of modern day communism. We're also constantly dealing with Madelyn Murray O'Hair, who keeps rising from the grave to get TV shows canceled because they say "God" on the air, or the tireless crusades of the liberals, who often kidnap orphans and grind them up to fuel their Bible burning machines.

But our greatest enemy is Satan and his nefarious demons, who are responsible for every ailment, affliction, and deviant behavior. Demons cause everything bad, from gout to gayness. Fortunately, these ailments are treatable, once the demons are cast out. A word of warning: Some people think that casting out demons requires an official "exorcist", but this is merely a fallicy perpetuated by the Papists. The fact is, demons can be cast out by *any* evangelist with a radio or TV show.

Is it possible to be a Christian *and* be intelligent?
Some people think so, but they practice a brand of inclusive, tolerant Christianity that flies in the face of everything Christ stood for. We fundamentalists tend to eschew that hippie liberal stuff and stick to the basics. After all, what's the fun of going to Heaven if just anybody can get in?

Do Christians have an obligation to help the poor and needy?
No. Giving money to the poor is a redistribution of wealth, which is nothing but communism, pure and simple. And we didn't fight this War on Terror just to hand America over to the commies. Besides, either those people are poor because they *chose* to be poor, or they're being punished by God for something bad they did.

At what age can someone become a Christian?
The Papists believe that sprinkling infants will make them Christians, but we heartily disagree. The disposition of your immortal soul is perhaps one of the most important decisions you'll ever make, so you should be at least five or six years old so you can consider the matter diligently.

Our Lord is fond of children. And while we no longer sacrifice them to Him like we used to, we still like to celebrate His love with this beautiful song that children sing in Sunday School:
Jesus loves the little Baptists
All the Baptists of the world.
White and white and white and white,
They are precious in his sight.
Jesus loves the Baptists of the world.

We hope you have found this FAQ to be helpful and informative. The Internets were originally created by Al Gore back in the 1970s so he and his godless accomplices could send pornography and facts about Chuck Norris back and forth to each other. However, it was our fervent hope to silk purse that sow's ear by using their wicked bandwidth to spread the message of God's love and mercy to those who are, no offense, probably as close to Heaven as you're ever going to get.

But if you've been moved by what you've read, then you probably feel a pounding in your chest right now. That's Jesus, knocking on your heart. Open it up, let him in, and experience the sheer joy that comes from knowing that you have escaped the eternal torment of Hell. Unless you're gay.

*New Red State Edition - An authentic transation of the Bible in its original English.


Farrago said...

I'm currently readingThe End of Faith: Religion, Terror, and the Future of Reason by Sam Harris.

Fascinating book, IMHO. In it he attributes to Christopher Hitchens the best quote I have ever read as it relateds to my beliefs (or lack thereof):

What can be asserted without evidence can also be dismissed without evidence."

PRAISE THE.... Well, you know how I feel...

SJ said...

Does Jesus hate you because you're 40?

John said...

I always thought the Bible belt was a belt with a buckle so big, you could print the entire Bible on it. I'm pretty sure Bush has one.

Boidy said...

gots me giggling, Irbest :)

SourKraut said...

International Day Against Homophobia, May 17th!

The Bushists will shit their pants:

It's "International", and they all knew that the communist plot for a one world government was to start with the homosexual agenda.

Jerry Falwell, his friends call him toto, we're not in America any more...

mr. schprock said...

This is pure genius. What you've done is explain something very complex in terms most people can understand. I truly feel enlightened.

We Northerners call the Bible Belt a Scripture Sash, btw. Same thing really.

Boidy said...

Schprock, that's hilarious, we in the REAL North.. I mean Alberta, use the same term :) Here's where you can see why! LOL!

Beth said...

Ever since homosexuality was invented in the 1960s, the gays have posed a constant threat to the very moral fiber of this great nation

I laughed heartily at this line. Glad I found you through another blog.

I knew a Baptist once, but we stopped talking because God was against our speaking to each other or something like that. (true story)

Sylvana said...

You truly are a genius.

I read this whole post aloud to my family.

mr. schprock said...

Aw, come on Irb, write us a little something.

scarletvirago said...

Thank dog I read other blog rolls and found you! I'm right smack dab in the middle of "Breaking The Spell" by Daniel Dennett and it was needing a little leavening! Thanks for the perspective!

shaffner said...

At the SBC convention (aren't you glad I'm not talking about the new at&t) this year, I am going to move that we go back to our German roots and change the name of Baptists back to Dunkers! Wouldn't it give you a warm, NBA-like feeling all over?

Talk to you later--

P.S. Do you really think this INTERNETS thing is going to take off?