Bush vs. SATAN!!!!!

So my grandfather forwarded me yet another retarded e-mail. This one pretended like it was simply explaining where Kerry and Bush stood on the issues, but it quickly devolved into some kind of horrible Jack Chick rant about how Bush and the Republicans are bravely standing against the Satanic forces that are seeking to lay our nation low.

And no, they weren't talking about the terrorists.

Here is the e-mail, along with my pointless comments (in italics). Read on, and be swept away on a sea of fundamentalist bullshit!



2004 Election Voter Guide
Depending on the way you lean, the following information could have bearing on decisions you make November 2004.

Issues of Importance?

Gay Marriage

• President Bush is opposed
• John Kerry favors

John Kerry favors leaving it up to the states to decide. As does Dick Cheney. As did George W. Bush back when he was campaigning in 2000. However, he has since flip-flopped... I mean, changed his mind and decided to support a Constitutional amendment instead.

Partial-Birth Abortion

• President Bush is opposed
• John Kerry favors

Oops, looks like they messed up and accidentally included an actual issue. John Kerry is pro-choice. George W. Bush isn't. By all means, consider that when you make your decision in November.

Restoring voluntary prayer in the public schools

• President Bush Favors
• John Kerry is Opposed

Okay, folks. One more time. Voluntary prayer was not banned from schools. What the Supreme Court ruled against was school-sponsored (or involuntary) prayer. You see, public schools are funded by tax money. And, funny story, it turns out that it isn't just Christians that pay taxes. Since it seemed a bit unfair to force Muslim and Hindu children to pray to the baby Jesus, the Supreme Court was left with a difficult choice. So rather than include prayers to every conceivable deity that might possibly be worshipped, they decided to just do away with school-sanctioned prayers. Darn that pesky First Amendment, anyway!

Assault on Mel Gibson for making film about Christ

• President Bush supports Gibson
• John Kerry participated in Left's assault on Gibson, suggesting possible anti-Semitism even though Kerry had not seen the film.

That would really be horrible if it were true, because we all know how opposed Christians and/or conservatives are to protesting movies they've never seen. Hell, I understand many of them actually sat through Farenheit 9/11 3 or 4 times so they could formulate intelligent rebuttals to Moore's charges.

To tell you the truth, I couldn't remember Kerry ever speaking out against the film, so I did a Google search on "kerry gibson passion christ." This search turned up hundreds of conservatives railing against Kerry for attacking the movie, but none of them could be bothered to cite any specifics.

After digging around, I did manage to turn up one comment from Kerry about The Passion of the Christ: "I am concerned [about anti-Semitism]. I don't know if it's [in the film] or not, but there's a lot of it around now. We have to be careful."

Wow. Way to push your liberal agenda there, Kerry!

Assault on boy Scouts for belief in God and not allowing Homosexual Scout Leaders

• President Bush supports Boy Scouts' stand
• John Kerry opposes boy Scouts' stand

Now here's a hard-hitting issue that should be a deciding factor in the upcoming election. Who cares about all that boring shit about the economy, the environment, or the war in Iraq?

Notice how the issue isn't whether or not the Boy Scouts should be allowed to ban homosexuals. No, the issue as stated is whether or not the president should support the Boy Scouts' stand against being assaulted for banning homosexuals.

The fact that anybody considers this an issue makes me incredibly sad.

Asking for God's blessing on America

• President Bush often asks God to bless America in his speeches
• John Kerry attacks Bush for mentioning God so often

Actually, John Kerry has attacked Bush for claiming that God was on our side in our war against Iraq, or for claiming time and again that we're doing God's work in our war on terror. Or for referring to our campaign in the Middle-East as a "crusade."

Because, you know. If the other nations thought we were conducting our war for religious reasons, they might get the wrong idea about us. After all, don't we have a name for zealots who kill in the name of their god? We call them "terrorists."

Damn that First Amendment! Why won't it just go away?

Judges

• President bush says "We need common-sense judges who believe our rights are derived from God."
• John Kerry insists on judges who support the ACLU's radical anti-Christian, anti-God, anti-family agenda. John Kerry is insistent on blocking President Bush's federal judge appointments.

God, there is so much sheer stupidity in this "issue" that I don't even know where to start! In the first place, we get that tired conservative refrain of "Bush is a good and holy man, and Kerry is a minion of his nefarious Satanic overlords." If you honestly believe this, then you are too fucking stupid to vote.

In the second place, I know there's a lot of bad blood between the conservatives and the ACLU, and I can understand why. Those pesky civil liberties are constantly getting in the way of the conservatives' attempts to, say, ban homosexuals from the Boy Scouts. But the ACLU aren't the bad guys, no matter how much the conservatives pretend otherwise.

And in the third place, "John Kerry is insistent on blocking President Bush's federal judge appointments." Really? Imagine the nerve of that bastard! Not only that, he chose a Democratic running mate! AND HE'S LIBERAL! HOLY SHIT! WHEN DID THIS BECOME A TWO PARTY SYSTEM?

Overall Record

• President Bush does not vote on issues before Congress but, based on his publicly stated positions, would receive an 85% conservative rating from the American Conservative Union if he did.
• John Kerry, according to the highly respected, politically-neutralNational Journal rates Kerry the most liberal U. S. Senator in 2003 --more liberal than Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton.

I know most conservatives can't remember more than three days into the past, because otherwise they'd actually hold Bush accountable for some of the things he's said and done. But I can personally remember a time when "liberal" wasn't an insult. In fact, I can actually remember when "liberal," "Democrat," and "evil" were three separate words! But in the current conservative lexicon, they're used interchangeably.


With help from you and many others, we aim to distribute 25,000,000 of these Voter Guides in churches and mailboxes to Christian voters across America.

Oh no! This could cost Kerry the coveted fundamentalist Christian vote in all of the red states! His dark satanic masters will be displeased!

If you agree, please pass this on
If you disagree, please delete this

Personally, I love this because it perfectly embodies the spirit of conservative political discourse. If you agree with us, tell everybody! If you don't, then just keep your goddamn mouth shut.

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So the election in November will not be decided by people voting on the issues, but by a bunch of morons who view it as an apocalyptic battle between good and evil. People who are too lazy or too stupid to bother with the facts will cast their vote for Bush because they think he's some kind of messiah sent to deliver us from the evil Democrats.

Oh, what the hell. I guess it's easier than thinking.