Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Let the Healing Begin... IN MY PANTS!!!

The presidential election was four and a half months ago, and Bush won. Remember? His posse was tossing around words like "mandate" and "historic" to describe Bush's victory. And I suppose it was historic, as it was the first time Li'l Bush ever became president by getting MORE votes than his opponent. But I digress...

My point is, the election is over. Has been, for well over 1/3 of a year. IT'S OVER!!! I was on the (barely) losing side, and I still managed to make my peace. So why can't these retarded conservatives do the same? Why am I STILL being inundated with these stupid e-mails about how Kerry wants to ban Christianity and make abortion and gay marriage mandatory?

Conservatives still hate Kerry. They don't just disagree with his politics, they despise him as a person. They think he's the embodiment of evil. And I think I know why.

Remember how amiable the 2000 campaign was? Hell, the election was pretty low key as well, at least until all the weirdness in Florida kicked in. But there really didn't seem to be too much at stake. Things were good, and both Gore and Bush Lite seemed to be saying exactly the same things. In the end, I don't think anybody imagined it would matter who won.

So Bush gets appointed President by the Supreme Court, and suddenly the moderate gloves are off. He goes jihad on the environment, he starts declaring war on random countries for totally made up reasons, and he decides that gay-bashing should be a mandate of the federal government.

So the liberals rally. They're outraged, and who can blame them? In just four years, Bush and Company have brought this nation to its lowest point since men stopped wearing powdered wigs, and the liberals feel it's time for a change!

But Bush supporters are a defensive lot, and they adopt an attitude of "You hate our guy? Well, we hate YOUR guy more!" And suddenly, they're filling inboxes with e-mails about how Kerry wants to grind up orphans and use them to fuel his Bible-burning machines.

So now, months later, the slathering Bush fanbase is still going strong. Bush is under attack from secular Republicans for being too Christian, and from nutjobs like Jerry Falwell for not being Christian enough. The Republicans are on the verge of tearing themselves apart over the stupidest fucking issues, and these rocket scientists are still convinced, somehow, that John Kerry is their biggest threat.

And the e-mails just keep pouring in.

I don't know. Maybe they're just not satisified with 51% of the vote. Maybe they're hoping they can convince the rest of us to change our vote retroactively so they can pretend Bush really did get this historic mandate they're always yammering on about.

Sigh... it's been four and a half months, guys. For Christ's sake, get over it and go back to sending me e-mails about Madalyn Murray O'Hair rising from the grave to campaign against Touched By an Angel. I actually MISS those!