Thursday, March 12, 2009

Grill Skill

I should warn you, the following video should not be viewed by anyone who wishes to cling to their belief in a kind and loving god.

Grill Skill is a training video put out by Wendy's in 1989 to teach their employees the proper art of putting greasy meat on a grill. Now you're probably thinking to yourself, "They needed a video for that?" but you have to remember that this was over 20 years ago. After eight years of George W., it's become almost commonplace to see people with college educations working at fast food restaurants. But back then, educated folks had the option of working real jobs, and flipping burgers was left to the type of people who needed to be tutored by disembodied rapping heads.

The video starts off innocuously enough, with Wendy's founder Dave Thomas yammering on about his love of hamburgers. This is, of course, before he died, because otherwise the video would have been even creepier. During Dave's burger soliloquy, we are reminded no less than 4,000 times that Wendy's square patties hang over the edge of the bun. "And people will like that!" Dave insists just a little too emphatically.

(Also, for some reason, poor Dave seems to be having some problems actually enunciating his words, and the phrase "old fashioned hamburgers" sounds like it's being murmured by a mouth stuffed with cholesterol.)

After Dave's introduction, we begin the descent into batshit madness that IS Grill Skill. First, we're lulled into a sense of false security by watching a montage of Wendy's employees showing up for work and hanging up their coats for like 20 minutes. Then, the narrative settles down and introduces us to Bill, who is about to make the incredible evolutionary leap from fries to grill. His manager Mary, who apparently commutes in every morning from the 1940s, takes him into the back office and shows him a video.

So we're watching a video about a guy watching a video. It's all so damned recursive.

But just as you're settling in for a dull treatise on grill procedure, Bill's VCR starts smoking (while strains of Pink Floyd's "Welcome to the Machine" play in the background) and the aforementioned disembodied rapping head sucks him into the video and... words fail me. It's as if a bunch of tiny ninjas get inside your head and start kicking your brain's ass. Only with rap! And then the meat patties have faces and start singing and... OH GOD! WHY?

This is only the first half of the video. I haven't watched the second half yet, but I'm hoping it ends with Bill snapping and going on a killing spree, urged on gleefully by the disembodied rapping head. I imagine he'd slaughter his way through the restaurant with his spatula (or "tool"), saving Mary for last. And then he'd press her face against the sizzling grill, laughing maniacally while screaming, "And people will like that!"

Anyhoo, here's the video. Enjoy.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Michael Steele Gets a Limbaughtomy

So a couple of posts ago, I mentioned the fact that Rush Limbaugh was hoping for Obama's presidency to fail. This isn't a case of his words being taken out of context. This isn't some vast conspiracy between the gay mafia and the Jew-run liberal media to discredit his enormous, doughnut-laden ass. The man said, on the radio, of his own free will and volition, that he wants Obama to fail. Our nation is at war and on the brink of economic collapse, and Rush is rooting for us to go down in flames.

The Democrats naturally pounced on Rush's treasonous remarks and immediately began portraying the shambling behemoth as the de facto leader of the Republican Party. They called for the Republicans to pull free of Limbaugh's orbit and do what was best for our nation. Sure it was hyperbolic and overwrought, but it was certainly effective. And it's not like the Republicans had any right to complain about it. Back in 2002, they had succeeded in labeling people who disagreed with Bush as villains who hated American soldiers, freedom, and the baby Jesus.

I admit, I was feeling pretty optimistic. I had predicted that the Republicans would distance themselves from Rush's bullshit and put the needs of the country first. And at first, it looked like that was actually going to happen! RNC chairman Michael Steele even went so far as to dismiss Rush's diatribe as "entertainment," adding, "It's incendiary, yes. It's ugly."

Well, I got to enjoy the feeling of being right about something for, oh, two days or so. Then Rush said some mean things about Steele on his radio show, and Steele lost his nerve and apologized, acknowledging Rush as a "national conservative leader." At least, I'm *assuming* that's what Steele said. It's kind of hard to understand him sometimes with his mouth full of Rush's cock.

So is Limbaugh truly leading the GOP these days? I know the millions of Klansmen and crazed loners who tune into his show every day like to think so, and the speed at which Steele flip-flopped seems to lend credence to the theory. I think it's sad that Steele, whose mission at one time was to broaden the appeal of the Republican Party by appealing to political moderates and people of color, has decided it would be more prudent to toe that ever-divisive party line.

One item of interest was a Newsweek interview with David Frum, an uberconservative pundit and former Bush script speech writer, best known for coining the phrase "Axis of Evil." Frum discussed the attempts of the Democrats to tie Rush to the Republican Party, and claimed that Rush had caused the GOP considerable damage by allowing himself to be portrayed as their leader. He actually referred to Rush as "kryptonite." So I'm sure it's only a matter of time before Rush whines about it on the air and Frum calls to apologize.

What can I say? I was foolishly optimistic, and my hopes have been crushed like the young Filipino boy that Rush keeps chained to his bed. After briefly glimpsing the light of hope and change, the GOP has gone scampering back to the safety of Limbaugh's gargantuan shadow.

Sigh. I'm too depressed to rant about it anymore. So I'll just close with a joke I heard from Stephanie:

Q. What's the difference between Rush Limbaugh and the Hindenburg?
A. One is a flaming Nazi gasbag, and the other is a dirigible.

Bada bing! Good night, ladies and gentlemen!