Thursday, February 02, 2006

The War on Terror... and MANIMALS!!!!

I watched the State of the Union address the other night, because I don't trust those damned liberal Jew-run media outlets to keep me apprised of the news. I prefer to get it from an unbiased source, namely whoever writes President Bush's speeches.

So first, the good news. The state of our union is... STRONG! Yes, that's right. In spite of the prodigious quantities of shit still raining down on the fan, Bush has assured us that everything is swell. I'm not sure who gathers the criteria for that decision, but I suspect it might be Dr. Bill Frist.

(In a related story, Terry Schiavo is still as active and alert as she ever was. Brilliant diagnosis there, Bones.)

Anyway, things are sunshine and rainbows and baskets of kittens here in the U.S. Plus, it seems that democracy is all the rage in the Middle East these days! Even the Palestinians recently held elections, although I notice Bush sort of forgot to mention them...

America is addicted to oil!

However, it appears there may be some darkness on the horizon. After telling us about how spying on us was good for the country and how every American president since Benjamin Franklin had done it, and his grand plans to cut the deficit in half by 2009 through prayer and magic, and his scheme to wean America off of its oil addiction by gradually making the move to switch grass... wh... what?... Bush finally zeroed in on the true threat.

Turns out, it's not terrorists. It's not liberals. It's not even monogamous gays! No, the danger we all face as Americans is... wait for it... animal/human hybrids!!!

Yep. Manimals. Chimeras. Unholy, unstoppable monkeyman killing machines who eat bullets and shit wholesale destruction! And then fling it at you!!!

Bush apparently became quite concerned about this issue after watching the documentary Thundercats, and has now decided to nip it in the bud lest we face a nightmarish, Orwellian future of beastmen infiltrating our culture, taking away jobs from hard-working Indian contractors and demanding the vote.

Animal/human hybrids respond to the President's attacks.

So, to recap: The union is strong. Democracy is good, unless you're a Palestinian. Spying is good. Switch grass is better than oil. Manimals are bad! BAAAD!!!!

And, most likely, liberal.


SJ said...

The "Americans are too dependent on oil" shit was hilarious. He's putting the blame on US now, is he? When it was his daddy and all their goddamn rich big business friends that created this monster? It really is a smooth move though--switch the blame game. Magnificent bastard.

Sylvana said...

What is REALLY scary about this guy is that the stuff you just talked about would just be a SNL skit script for any other president, but for this guy - IT'S REAL!!! He REALLY says this shit!!

mr. schprock said...

Question: What can I, as an average American, do to ward off the manimal threat and protect my family and my community? How can we tell who is a manimal? How deeply have the manimals infiltrated our society? Could the neighborhood grocer, the milkman, or my next door neighbor be a manimal?

Farrago said...

Wow, if you got off this wack shit rant from Junior's speechin the other night, I'm glad I DIDN'T see it!

Would Al Gore have been THIS bad?

John said...

Manimals are a threat to America. Check. Does this threat also extend to Wuzzles? I'm pretty sure I remember Rhinokey mummbling something about Allah.

Irb said...

SJ: Based on his address, I suspect Bush and his big business friends are heavily vested in switch grass now, whatever the fuck that is.

Sylvana: The only other person I've heard saying shit like that is this homeless street preacher here in Dallas who uses a ventriloquist dummy and who is STILL convinced that Reagan was the antichrist because the letters of his name added up to 666. And if Kerry had chosen this guy as his running mate in 2004, I still would have voted for him!

Mr. Schprock: One effective test is to pretend to throw a ball, but don't. If the person in question goes chasing after it, chances are he's a manimal. Or at least in the lower 51% of the American voting population...

Farrago: If Gore had been "elected," I believe we would now be living in a peaceful, enlightened Utopia of bliss and eternal happiness. And Bush's supporters would still be whining about how much better things would have been if their guy had won.

John: I think Rhinokey was only doing that to screw with Hoppopotamaus, but his prank backfired when Hoppy reported his ass to Homeland Security. Last I heard, Rhinokey was in Guantanamo with electrodes strapped to his genitals.

John said...

Sweet tapdancing Jesus! I thought you were kidding about the human/animal hybrid thing! (I didn't see his little speach, because State of the Union Addresses, regardless of who's in the White House, put me into a coma.)

But he actually used the words human/animal hybrid in his speech. My brain just shit itself.