So first, the good news. The state of our union is... STRONG! Yes, that's right. In spite of the prodigious quantities of shit still raining down on the fan, Bush has assured us that everything is swell. I'm not sure who gathers the criteria for that decision, but I suspect it might be Dr. Bill Frist.
(In a related story, Terry Schiavo is still as active and alert as she ever was. Brilliant diagnosis there, Bones.)
Anyway, things are sunshine and rainbows and baskets of kittens here in the U.S. Plus, it seems that democracy is all the rage in the Middle East these days! Even the Palestinians recently held elections, although I notice Bush sort of forgot to mention them...
However, it appears there may be some darkness on the horizon. After telling us about how spying on us was good for the country and how every American president since Benjamin Franklin had done it, and his grand plans to cut the deficit in half by 2009 through prayer and magic, and his scheme to wean America off of its oil addiction by gradually making the move to switch grass... wh... what?... Bush finally zeroed in on the true threat.
Turns out, it's not terrorists. It's not liberals. It's not even monogamous gays! No, the danger we all face as Americans is... wait for it... animal/human hybrids!!!
Yep. Manimals. Chimeras. Unholy, unstoppable monkeyman killing machines who eat bullets and shit wholesale destruction! And then fling it at you!!!
Bush apparently became quite concerned about this issue after watching the documentary Thundercats, and has now decided to nip it in the bud lest we face a nightmarish, Orwellian future of beastmen infiltrating our culture, taking away jobs from hard-working Indian contractors and demanding the vote.
So, to recap: The union is strong. Democracy is good, unless you're a Palestinian. Spying is good. Switch grass is better than oil. Manimals are bad! BAAAD!!!!
And, most likely, liberal.