Wednesday, April 21, 2004

I remember when the movie “Bad Santa,” came out last year, and all of these rocket scientists and brain surgeons started blasting the movie, posting negative reviews and barely legible rants about how you shouldn’t take your kids to see it. AND THANK FUCKING GOD FOR THESE VIGILANT WATCHDOGS!!! If only the movie industry would come up with some kind of rating system to designate which movies are for grownups and which movies are for kids, then maybe we wouldn’t have to rely on a bunch of stupid, inbred, cousin-humping retards to point out the naughty films.

Seriously. If you were dumb enough to take your child to see “Bad Santa,” then you’re too dumb to have children. It’s time for the government to intervene.

But I understand that being a dumbass parent is a full-time job, and you occasionally find yourself wishing somebody would step in and share a bit of the responsibility. Well, you’re in luck!

There’s this Christian organization called the ChildCare Action Project, and these guys apparently spend all of their free time going to movies so they can count the curse words, exposed breasts, and decapitations. They then plug these numbers into some complicated formula to determine if a movie is suitable for family viewing. And when they’re not at the movies, I imagine they spend an awful lot of time licking light switches or trying to walk down the sidewalk without stepping on any cracks.

For a real laugh, check out their analysis of the Star Wars series, where they cite the films for such offenses as (and I swear to God I’m not making this up):

Forced hibernation
Choking to avenge wrongs
Unholy ethereal beings
Child slavery
Disappearing bodies
Statue nudity (Damn you, John Ashcroft!!!!!)
Female anatomy ghosting through thin clothing

Ah, it's so nice to see the Lord's work being carried out. Because when I ask myself the age-old question What would Jesus do?, the answer inevitably leads to Jesus sitting in a theater with a plastic counter in one hand and a legal pad on his lap, scribbling furiously every time a naked statue shows up on screen.

Which brings us, I guess, back to "Bad Santa." The geniuses at CAP Ministries didn't get more than 8 minutes into the film before walking out. Kind of ironic that they had no trouble sitting through "The Passion" or "Kill Bill," but "Bad Santa" was enough to send them scrambling for daylight.

Anyway, they were afraid (with good reason, apparently) that some of their less-than-sharp readers would mistake an R-rated film for a family movie, so they got a guest reviewer. My favorite part of the whole thing is the author's disclaimer near the end:

"If anyone entertains thoughts about doing guest commentaries for us, I will not ask anyone to do so because I will not ask you to subject yourself to such filth as Bad Santa."

Thank you, obsessive-compulsive Christian movie reviewer people, for striving against the cesspool of corruption and debauchery that is the MPAA rating system. And thank you for working so hard to more clearly define that blurry line between R-rated and G-rated movies.

And finally, thank you for at least trying to protect kids from parents who are too fucking stupid to raise them.

No comments: