Friday, April 09, 2004

Hippity Hoppity, Easter's On Its Way...

Easter. A magical holiday, one fraught with tradition and pageantry. As has happened with many religious holidays, the true meaning of Easter has been lost amidst a flurry of commercialism and secularism, all a part of a nefarious plot of the Jewish-run liberal media, who are conspiring with the French Freemasons to pass legislation making it illegal for people to go to church. Or, at least that’s what they said on FOX News.

Anyway, it turns out Easter has nothing to do with rabbits and eggs, both of which were introduced sometime in the 1970s in an effort to reduce net carbs and increase proteins. Easter is a celebration of Jesus Christ coming back from the dead. And if you’ve seen Mel Gipson’s madcap romp “The Passion of the Christ,” you’ll know that they didn’t just kill him…they killed the SHIT out of him!

But apparently, he came back. And rather than go all zombie and seek vengeance on the Pharisees and Romans, he just hung around long enough to show off the holes in his body. Then he floated on up into Heaven, returning to Earth only periodically to help football teams win the Superbowl or pose for pictures in somebody’s tortilla.

Every Easter, I go to church with my family. As a rule, I only actually go to church for the major three religious holidays: Christmas, Easter, and Mother’s Day. And since my mom and grandparents are Baptist, it means I have to haul my sinning, backsliding, satanic, wicked, debaucherous ass into the First Baptist Church of Winnsboro, where they put the “fun” back in “fundamentalist.”

First Baptist Church (or FBC, as the kids like to call it) is conservative as far as fundamentalist churches go. No snake handling, no drinking strychnine from a mason jar, and absolutely NO SPEAKING IN TONGUES! Seriously. The quickest way to get your ass kicked by the entire congregation is to throw your hands into the air and let loose with some of that “Sheema la camina eeki pateeki she came in a Honda” bullshit. The second quickest way is to start the wave while they’re taking the offering. But I digress…

I remember two years ago, when the interim pastor (can’t remember his name, but FBC goes through preachers almost as fast as the Republican Party goes through flammable lawn crosses) decided it was no longer enough to accept the Resurrection on faith. He was going to prove it to us EMPIRICALLY!

I honestly didn’t know that was allowed. You see, by circular Christian logic, God intentionally denies us proof because He wants us all to accept Him on faith. But that very absence of proof is seen by many to be proof of His existence. Or something like that. I usually lose interest and start drawing in the hymnal about that time.

But this time, I sat in rapt attention, eager to hear the issue of Christ’s Resurrection put to rest (so to speak) once and for all! What kind of evidence did this guy have? Photos? Pie charts? Sworn testimony?

Turns out it was a “logical” argument. It went something like this:

“Some people claim that the Resurrection never really happened. They claim that Jesus’ followers simply waited until the Roman centurions on duty fell asleep, and then they moved the stone themselves and made off with the body.

“So, we’re supposed to believe that these Roman centurions, who knew that sleeping on duty would carry a death penalty for them, simply fell asleep? And then the disciples managed to roll that heavy stone away from the tomb without waking them up? It’s impossible! It simply doesn’t hold water!”

So that was it. That was the irrefutable proof of the Resurrection. The disciples coudn't have moved the stone without waking up the guards, so the only logical explanation left is that Christ came back to life. And then, somehow, moved the stone without waking up the guards.

Needless to say, my doubts weren’t laid to rest that day. I mean, when your working premise involves the dead coming back to life, you’ve pretty much given up any right to call anybody else’s theory unlikely or outlandish.

These guys should give up the logical arguments and stick to the blind faith. It suits them better.

No comments: