Tuesday, June 21, 2005

A Clinically Insane Norman Rockwell Moment...

In honor of Father's Day, here's a story my dad once told me about my grandfather. I don't know if it's true or not, but it still makes me giggle.

Papaw's family came from Louisiana, so he always spoke with this incredible cajun accent. He also stuttered a bit, and whenever he got stuck on a certain word, he'd usually snap out of it by swearing. His curse of choice was "goddamn," but he pronounced it "hoddamn."

On Papaw's 65th birthday, Dad tried to embarrass him by giving him an inflatable woman dressed in a silk teddy. An anatomically correct inflatable woman, I should add. He came into the house with the blow-up doll on his arm and said, "Happy birthday, Pop! I brought you a date!"

Instead of being embarrassed, my grandfather was delighted and let out an exuberent "Oh Lawd!" He then crammed the doll into the passenger seat of his pickup and drove it around Texarkana to show to his friends.

About three weeks later, Dad and his girlfriend Annette were visiting again. They were sitting in the living room with Mamaw and Papaw, watching Walker, Texas Ranger, when Dad asked, "Hey Pop? Whatever happened to that girl I gave you?"

Papaw chuckled. "Oh, your momma made me let the ah-ah-ah-hoddamn air out of her. I got her under the bed now."

Mamaw, of course, was shaking her head and smoking a Pall Mall. "Shit," she muttered. "He had the damn thing sitting on the couch, where company could see it."

So Dad got up and went into the bedroom, and came out with the deflated doll draped over his arm. Annette started giggling, but Mamaw just sighed. "Jamie, don't be dragging that mess out here again."

Ignoring her, Dad plopped back down on the couch and started blowing the doll up. He blew into it for about ten minutes, until he got a headache and passed it off to Papaw. Papaw gave it a try, but quit after another five minutes. By this point, the girl was still far from inflated.

Annette laughed and said, "You two old men'll never get that thing blown up."

Papaw grinned. "I got a ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-hoddamn air compressor out in the shop!" So he and Dad carried the doll out to his workshop and hooked it up to the air compressor.

In a matter of seconds, the doll was fully inflated. But before they could turn off the air compressor, the pocket in between her legs suddenly popped out.

Papaw just stared at it, unable to say anything for several seconds. Finally, he stammered, "Ah-ah-ah-ah-hoddamn, son! She got a goober!"

4 comments:

mr. schprock said...

You know, they say those inflatable women are anatomically correct, but I don't know, because one time I . . . well, I (ahem) . . .

Never mind.

I had a grandpa from West Virgina who had a slight stammer (which I inherited). When he got stuck on a word, he'd thoughtfully spit on the ground and then say the word. More of an outdoors solution however…

SJ said...

I'm thinking Papaw was afeared of the blowup woman after that. Mamaw mighta liked her though.

ix said...

i'm sad that i never got to meet them

Sylvana said...

It was like The Crying Game right there in your Pawpaw workshop.