I Did It All for the Cookie!!!

The Muppets have always been rebels, man! From Bert and Ernie's alternative lifestyle to the Count's obsessive-compulsiveness to Big Bird's endless Snuffaluffagus hallucinations, the Muppets have always been about flaunting the rules. And there was no one more defiant than Cookie Monster! Flipping a felt finger at conventional nutritional values, he scarfed down cookies by the fistful. And with each gluttonous bite, children across the nation would raise their fists in solidarity and cry, "Snack on, Cookie, you magnificent bastard!"

But the dream is over. It all started when Senator Bill Frist went on "Sesame Street" to teach Elmo how to exercise (apparently you can burn 100 calories with 15 minutes of goosestepping). And now, goddammit, Cookie Monster has sold out! PBS has decided that children are fat because "Sesame Street" told them to eat cookies. Which makes sense, I suppose. I seem to remember a lot of kids setting themselves on fire because "Jackass" told them to.

So now, instead of singing the anthemic "C Is For Cookie, That's Good Enough For Me," Cookie Monster will be regaling us with the insipid "A Cookie Is a Sometimes Food."

Sigh. It's the end of an era.

Senator Bill Frist educates Elmo on medical matters.

Cookie Monster, you GODDAMN SELLOUT!!!

Many parents blame their children's obesity
on classic "Sesame Street" skits such as this one.

Cookie Monster panties are a sometimes food too!