Monday, April 18, 2005

Feelin' Great and Full of Hate at Thirty Eight!!!

I just turned 38, which means I'm only one year younger than the goddamn Super Bowl.

My buddy Sean threw me a party last Wednesday at the Pocket Sandwich Theater, where 4 out of 5 Doctors was performing. 4 out of 5 Doctors is a local improv group, so before the show they passed out slips of paper and asked the audience to suggest ideas for sketches.

Sean suggested, "A druid goes into a bait shop and experiences bemused resignation." I offered up, "A narcoleptic FBI agent goes undercover to capture Space Dracula."

They didn't use our suggestions, the bastards.

Anyway, I didn't really have any profound thoughts or observations to offer on reaching the big XXXVIII (I sort of shot my wad with that Super Bowl comment), so I figured I'd just hit the ol' Wikipedia and see what kind of historic shit was going on 38 years ago, in 1967.

As always, this is all entirely true. I would never make up stuff like this. It would be a complete waste of everybody's time.*

In 1967:
  • The "Boston Strangler" is convicted and sentenced to life in prison.

  • Military coup takes place in Sierra Leone.

  • At the age of 20, George W. Bush finally graduates from high school and enrolls at Yale as the proud recipient of the coveted Barbara Bush Scholarship. However, his education gets put on hold after he enlists in the Texas Air National Guard to keep Galveston Beach safe from Charlie.

  • The U. S. Supreme Court declares all state laws banning interracial marriage to be unconstitutional. The next day, Thurgood Marshall is nominated to the Supreme Court. Coincidence? Probably.

  • Che Guevara is captured in Boliva and executed for attempting to incite a revolution.

  • The term "black hole" is coined for the first time by Professor John Archibald Wheeler.

  • Several swift boat officers witness John Kerry's heinous attempt to defraud the U. S. government out of a Purple Heart and are so outraged that they don't mention it to anyone until 37 years later, after their checks from Karl Rove have cleared.

  • A middle-aged and overweight Arthur "The Fonz" Fonzarelli is devoured by sharks. His last words are, "Aaaaaaaaay! Sit on... OH FUCK! NO! NOOO! AAAARGH!!!"

  • Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band is released.

  • Race riots sweep through Washington D. C. and Detroit. Republicans blame interracial marriage and Bill Clinton. Thurgood Marshall is unavailable for comment because he's too busy watching his new color TV.
*Conan O'Brien and I have the same birthday, which is sort of ironic, since I totally lifted this line from him.


SJ said...

I loved your sketch ideas, both of them. Now that would be a great thing to watch. Happy late 38th. My husband turns 38 in November. I'll have to remember the 1967 list for him. Sgt. Pepper, kewl.

Irb said...

Your husband is 37 years old? Koo koo katchoo, Missus Robinson ;-)