God Bless Those Pagans...

On Christmas Eve, I attended the service at Tyler Street Methodist with my family. I'm not a huge fan of religious services, but it's really important to my mom and my sister, so I figure the least I can do is drag my sinning ass into church for the big three religious holidays -- Christmas, Easter, and Mother's Day.

As far as Christmas Eve services go, Tyler Street is pretty palatable. Sometimes you'll get a warbling solo sung from the point of view of Mary about how "that precious little hand reaching up from the manger would one day be pierced by a nail," but for the most part, it's pretty traditional fare. The choir does a great Hallelujah chorus, and that bit where everybody lights their candles while singing Silent Night is pretty nice. In fact, the only time I ever really squirmed uncomfortably in my seat was during the sermon.

Usually, the sermons at these things are short and sweet, but this time the reverend decided to delve into the dreaded War on Christmas. He started ranting about the fact that Home Depot referred to their Christmas trees as "Miracle Trees," and how it was just another attack on Christianity by the secular left.

You know, if you're looking for an example of the War on Christmas, you might want to select a Christmas tradition that doesn't actually predate Christ. I like to think there are some Viking traditionalists in Norway who resent the war being waged on Yule and the way those Christians insist on Jesusing up their High Feast. "By my hammer, Thor and Freyr are the reason for the season!" Every year, they probably send each other angry e-mails calling for a boycott on stores that are referring to their Solstice Firs as "Christmas Trees." And then they drink fermented goat's milk and mead until they vomit into their horned helmets and pass out.

And don't get me started on mistletoe...