Wednesday, January 02, 2008

New Year's Resolutions for 2008

  • I will spend more time lying on the couch and watching TV. (It's important to set realistic, attainable goals.)
  • I will never miss an opportunity to refer to the World Wide Web as "Nobel Prize winner Al Gore's Internet."
  • I will hone my Photoshop skills so I can finally get my lolmanson page off the ground.

  • I will stop bugging Stephanie to fulfill my Little Debbie fantasies by dressing up in a gingham dress and bonnet and feeding me Swiss Cake Rolls.
  • I will do everything in my power to eradicate the words guesstimate, ginormous, and chillax from the English lexicon.
  • I will make an effort to go door to door and meet my neighbors, in accordance with the terms of my probation.
  • I will start a wave in church.
  • I will celebrate the end of George W. Bush's presidency by drinking wine from the skull of Ann Coulter.


Professor said...

I love this list!!!!!!! I'm laughing out loud over here and Kiddo is looking at me like I've lost my mind.

scarletvirago said...

I'm with you on the ginormous travesty, but I don't think chillax is as insidious as you fear. I'd never even heard it, before your blog!

But then, not a whole lot makes it under my little rock, here.

mr. schprock said...

I agree with everything except letting up on Stephanie to dress like Little Debbie. That is not too much to ask.

Irb said...

Professor: If I have, in any way, contributed to your crumbling mental health, I humbly apologize and will make it up to your Kiddo by sending him a puppy or something...

Scarletvirago: My nine-year-old nephew says "chillax" a lot, mainly to annoy me. For some reason, he's also started saying, "Hoboes, cheerleaders, and house fires... coming up on FOX News." That one actually makes me giggle like Dick Cheney at a puppy's funeral.

Mr. Schprock: I KNOW! But I'm still holding out hope for the Wonder Woman costume...

Word Verification: "saitih"
Thus saitih the Lord, "Ouch! Them nails is pointy!"

Farrago said...

I don't mean to pick nits, but George Bush's term doesn't end until 2009. That is IF he doesn't declare martial law, shutting down all libraries, temples, ashrams, mosques and synagogues, wiretapping all our phones and bugging our homes, and declare himself "Emplorer for Life" before then.

I'm just sayin'.

John said...

Hey now, Dick Cheney does NOT giggle at dead puppies. He salivates. Because the blood of the innocent is delicious.

Irb said...

Farrago: I've never been nervous about a lame duck president before, but these days I find myself wondering just how many nations Bush will be able to declare war on between November and January. To quote Patton Oswalt, "I don't think George Bush just wants to be president. I think he wants to be... THE LAST PRESIDENT!"

John: Innocent blood is so high in cholesterol that Cheney's withered little black stump of a heart just can't take it. His wife Lynn is trying to wean him off of it with Blood Beaters(tm), but it just isn't the same.

(Glad you're back, by the way! Nobel Prize winner Al Gore's Internet just seems empty and hollow without you.)

Professor said...

If you send him a puppy I'll hunt you down and make you watch Cheney and the puppy "play."