Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Jesus vs. the ACLU

Well, the holiday season is well underway and I've just received my first e-mail about the War on Christmas. Basically, it's rallying Christians together to inundate the ACLU offices with Christmas cards in the hopes that the flood of mail will shut down operations. My favorite part is the reminder "just don't be rude or crude. (It's Not the Christian Way, you know!)" Thank God for that oddly-capitalized caveat, because I'm sure several of Christ's more devout were about to take crayon in hand and write "SUCK MY CHRISTIAN COCK, YOU MOTHER FUCKING ATHEISTS! MERRY CHRISTMAS!"

So far, this is the only War on Christmas e-mail I've received this year. Now some might argue that's because the Jew-run liberal media is intentionally stifling the story and preventing its spread on Nobel Prize winner Al Gore's Internet. Personally, I'm hoping it means this retarded trope has run its course and, by next year, will be deader than disco and Dick Nixon.

So what does the ACLU have to do with the War on Christmas? Not a goddamn thing. You see, back in 2005, a bunch of fundamentalists got their hair shirts in a knot over the fact that some stores were saying "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas." Now, as far as I know, there were no complaints from anybody else about the marginalization of Hanukkah, Ramadan, or the Winter Solstice. The Jews, Muslims, and Druids all seemed to take it in stride. In fact, most Christians were pretty level headed and rational about the whole thing. It was just that tiny, loud, brain-damaged minority who felt their entire belief system was under attack because the cashiers at Target weren't taking customers by the hand and singing "Happy Birthday, Baby Jesus."

As you probably know, it's just no fun to be a fundamentalist Christian unless you can pretend like you're being persecuted for your faith. So these geniuses concocted this bizarre conspiracy in which otherwise wholesome and decent folk were being strong armed by the nefarious forces of Satan. And since Madalyn Murray O'Hair's ghost was too busy getting Touched by an Angel canceled to wage a personal war against the virgin birth, the fundamentalists decided to pin the whole thing on their other all-purpose scapegoat, the American Civil Liberties Union. If the ACLU hadn't been available, I imagine Jane Fonda would have been heading up the War on Christmas.

The liberal media outlets were all too busy distracting us with the real news to pick up the story, but fortunately FOX News was there to uncover the truth. Last year, Bill O'Reilly (whom you may remember as the blotchy FOX News pundit who likes to sexually harass his producers) decided to tilt his lance at the War on Christmas. He railed and ranted about all these injustices that were being perpetrated against decent Christian folk, all in the name of "political correctness." High schools were banning red and green clothes. Nameless corporations were firing employees for giving out Christmas cards. ACLU thugs were dragging people out of their cars in the church parking lot, beating them with yuletide logs, and then forcing them into gay marriages. OH, THE HUMANITY!

Well, as it turns out, Bill was talking out of his ass. When it came time to offer up evidence of this vast, liberal conspiracy to do away with Christmas, he discovered that he had nothing. So, in desperation, he pulled out a year-old clip from The Daily Show on Comedy Central. The clip featured Samantha Bee joking that Christmas is "the only religious holiday that's also a federal holiday. That way, Christians can go to their services and everyone else can stay home and reflect on the true meaning of separation of church and state."

Ooh! Take that, Christ child!

So that was it. His entire war on Christmas came down to a bunch of urban legends that had long since been disproved and a six-second clip from 2005. That, in and of itself, was pretty goddamn funny. But the best part, by far, was Jon Stewart's response the following evening:

You know what, it's okay. If Bill O'Reilly needs to have an enemy, needs to feel persecuted, you know what? Here's my Kwanzaa gift to him. Are you ready? All right. I'm your enemy. Make me your enemy. I, Jon Stewart, hate Christmas, Christians, Jews, morality, and I will not rest until every year families gather to spend December 25th together at Osama's Homo-Abortion Pot and Commie Jizzporium.

Have a happy Hanukwanzaramadolsticemas, everybody!!!


scarletvirago said...

If you wrote christmas greeting cards, I would totally buy them.

As it is, I'm just going to link this post to everybody I know!

Professor said...

who really wins in the end? LOL?

Farrago said...

I love you, Irby! You're my atheist hero!