Tuesday, December 04, 2007

You'll Always Be As-Part-A-Me...

People often ask me, "In this capricious and godless universe of endless suffering, how can you possibly find the strength to go on?"

It's a fair question. For much of my life, there has been a gnawing emptiness. I've tried desperately to fill this void with friends, family, religion... but those have all been dead ends.

But now, I have the answer.



After all, any universe in which Cherry Chocolate Diet Dr. Pepper exists must be a universe that loves me.

Actually, I'm not holding out a lot of hope. It seems any time I develop an unhealthy love of a diet soda, it gets yanked off the shelf faster than tainted cat food mixed with lead paint.

I used to love me some goddamn Diet Vanilla Coke. I bought it by the case and drank 5-6 a day. Hell, some nights I would wake up at 2:00 in the morning, get dressed, and drive to 7-Eleven just to satisfy my jones for its creamy aspartame goodness.

So of course, Coca Cola decided to "phase it out" in 2005 so they could replace it with Diet Black Cherry Vanilla Coke, which was like replacing Sean Connery with George Lazenby.

So I spent the next couple of years wavering back and forth between Black Cherry Vanilla Coke and Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper, which was sort of like choosing which sister you'd rather take to prom, or which Ann Coulter book you'd rather read.

(And don't get me started on that bottled vomit they call Diet Vanilla Pepsi. Hell, I'd rather drink Larry King's bathwater!)

And then, around the middle of 2007, Coca Cola did away with their Diet Black Cherry Vanilla Coke and replaced it with... Vanilla Coca Cola Zero! I was ecstatic! I was overjoyed! I was happier than Mitt Romney at a flammable lawn cross sale!

Alas, my joy was short lived. I've seen no official statements from Coca Cola on the subject, but Vanilla Coca Cola Zero seems to have mysteriously vanished from the shelves here in Texas. Diet Coke? It's all over the goddamn place. Coke Zero? As ubiquitous in Dallas as cowboy hats and big hair. Diet Cherry Coke? Can't throw a brick without hitting it. Diet Coke with Lime? Stacked from floor to ceiling, laughing at me, mocking my childlike faith in God.

But no Vanilla Coca Cola Zero. Not even any space on the shelf where it *would* be if they had it. It's like there was some kind of Vanilla Coca Cola Zero Rapture. Or Great Snatch, if you will...

But at least I have my Cherry Chocolate Diet Dr. Pepper to keep me warm, to whisper tenderly in my ear when I get lonely, and to gently kiss my tears away...

4 comments:

Professor said...

I'm sorry your longing cannot be satisfied! Remember Tab? Sound familiar? Write to Coke and see if they'll send you the remaining stuff they have sittin in the warehouse collecting dust!

Farrago said...

The vanilla syrup used in Vanilla Coca Cola Zero was made with lead. Nope. rephrase that... it WAS lead.

Irb said...

Professor: Ah, yes. I remember Tab from those dark, dark days when diet sodas were lethal to laboratory rats and tasted like ass. Ironically, it's easier to find Tab these days than Vanilla Coke Zero...

Farrago: I suspect you're just trying to make me feel better, but it's not working. Even if it was lead mixed with asbestos and calf urine, it was still damn tasty!

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