Do You Meme What I Meme?

Ah, Christmas. That magical time of year when we celebrate the day that Santa rescued the Baby Jesus from the Grinch by pelting him with fruitcake. I think. Anyway, this is another one of those meme things, which is always another excuse to inflict my answers on a bunch of hapless readers who have, frankly, never done me any harm.

1. Eggnog or Hot Chocolate?
Hot Chocolate. Stephanie makes something she calls Rococoa, which is hot chocolate mixed with Kahlua, Bailey's, and I think maybe heroin.

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree?
For some reason, Santa always wrapped presents with the same paper my mom used. I used to think it was just a coincidence, but since I've grown older and wiser, I've come to realize that cheap bastard Santa was stealing wrapping paper from my mom.

3. Colored lights on the tree/house or white?
I refuse to answer this question because it endorses segregation.

4. Do you hang mistletoe?
From my belt buckle. BADA BING! GOOD NIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

5. When do you put your decorations up?
You don't have to put them up if you never take them down...

6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)?
Spicy Cajun reindeer tacos. Mmmmmmm!

7. Favorite holiday memory as a child?
Okay, true story. My grandfather had a really bad stutter, and sometimes the only way he could break out of it was by swearing. His swear word of choice was "goddamn," but he always pronounced it "hoddamn." So when I was 5 and my sister Sunny was 4, we were visiting my Dad. The phone rang, and my Dad answered it. He got all excited and he told me and Sunny that it was for us. So I grabbed the phone in the living room and Dad handed the kitchen phone to Sunny. We heard this loud, booming voice on the line saying, "Ho Ho H-h-h-h-hoddamn-ho! This is San-san-san-hoddamn-santa Claus!" Dad asked us who it was and my sister said, without batting an eye, "It's Papaw."

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?
I figured out he was gay a long time ago. I mean, anyone who wears red fur and hangs out with all those elves has got to be... oh, wait. You're talking about something else.

9. Do you open gifts on Christmas Eve?
I'm constantly visiting members of my extended family, so we open gifts on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Boxing Day, and sometimes as late as New Year's Eve. For us, Christmas is a lot like Hanukkah, only with better presents.

10. What kind of cookies does Santa get set out for him?
I figure Santa's probably sick of cookies by the time he reaches our hemisphere, so I usually leave him beer and french fries.

11. Snow! Love it or dread it?
I love it from the comfort of my apartment.

12. Can you ice skate?
God, no!

13. Do you remember your favorite gift?
I really loved me some Micronauts when I was a kid. They were these little toy robots that came apart, and you could combine them with others to make bigger robots, tanks, and stuff like that. They took them off the market when some genius kids shot the little plastic missile into their mouths and choked to death. I always say, there's nothing cooler than a toy with a body count!

14. What's the most important thing about the holidays for you?
If you arrange your vacation days just right, WOOHOO! ELEVEN DAY WEEKEND!

15. What is your favorite holiday dessert?
You know those Little Debbie snack cakes that are shaped like Christmas trees? I like those.

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition?
For some reason, my family (which is full of staunch, proper Baptists) has started a tradition of playing Bunko (a dice game) and Keno (a card/bingo game) on Christmas and Easter. Which means we now officially celebrate the two holiest days by playing games of chance. Huh.

17. What tops your tree?
It used to be a bobble-headed Elvis, but that got broken a couple of years ago.

18. What do you prefer... giving or receiving?
Receiving, definitely. I realize that makes me a shallow person, but I've always felt that it's okay to be shallow as long as you're insightful about it.

19. What is your favorite Christmas carol?
I really like the Cold Meiser/Heat Meiser songs from the old Year Without a Santa Claus special, but I'm partial to anything that doesn't involve chipmunks, figgy pudding, or Grandma getting run over by a reindeer. Oh, and I really, really, REALLY hate the song "Jingle Bell Rock." But more on that later...

20. Candy canes... yuck or yum?
I am oddly ambivalent towards candy canes. Does anyone really need that much peppermint?

21. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present?
Yes. My brother-in-law and I have been giving each other the same Brut aftershave kit for about eight years now.

22. Favorite Christmas movie?
I've got to go with A Christmas Story. "You'll shoot your eye out, kid!"

23. Do you have a nativity scene?
No, but I once built a dinosaur by gluing together a bunch of Baby Jesuses (Jesii?) and called it Jesusaurus Rex.

24. What's the most annoying thing about this time of year?
That evil abomination of Christmas carols that IS "Jingle Bell Rock." Leaving aside the insipid lyrics and the fact that it has been covered by every hack from Hilary Duff to Hall & Oates, my main problem is with the title. There is absolutely nothing "rock" about this song, okay? It is as far from "rock" as any song could possibly be. The light leaving "rock" will not reach this song for millions of years.

Whew. Thanks for listening. As always, you've been very therapeutic.

Have a happy Hanukwanzaramadolsticemas, everybody!!!