I really wasn't in the mood to direct any more Photoshopped hate at Hannity & The Tiny Pair of Legs Dangling From His Backside, so I lifted this little questionnaire thingy from my newest, bestest friend Professor's blog (Babble from Babbler). Read on, and immerse yourself in the experience that is Chris Irby.
1. Song that always makes you sad?
"Everybody Hurts," by R.E.M. If you can listen to that song and not get misty, then I HOPE YOU'RE ENJOYING YOUR MUSIC IN HELL, MR. HITLER!
2. Last thing you bought?
A medium Coke at the Angelika. Oh, I could have gotten the large for just a quarter more, but who needs a drink with a goddamn undertow?
3. Last person you argued with?
The girl at the Angelika snack counter. She REALLY wanted me to buy that big ass Coke! Apparently, she works on commission or something...
4. Do you put butter before putting the peanut butter on?
What kind of sick freak butters a peanut butter sandwich? Seriously!
5. One of your stuffed animals’ names as a kid?
I had a teddy bear named Gretsch, named after my dad's guitar.
6. Did you ever at one time own a Barenaked Ladies CD?
I have their greatest hits on CD, although the only song I ever listen to anymore is Be My Yoko Ono.
7. Favorite day of the week?
I'm all about Saturday, baby!
8. Favorite sundae topping?
I'm not exactly discriminating when it comes to sundae toppings. In fact, when beset by choice, I tend to glop every damn available topping onto my ice cream. Hot fudge, marshmallow, cherries, nuts, whipped cream, kelp, olives, gravy. Disgusting, I know. But at least I'm not one of those goddamn freaks who butters their PB&J!
9. Did you take piano lessons?
Yes, when I was in the 7th grade. Sadly, my piano-playing abilities have since vanished. I think it's from that time I jammed a Q-tip too far into my ear and actually hit brain...
10. Most frequent song played?
Right now, it's Hatred (A Duet) by The Kinks. Suprisingly therapeutic for the recently broken-up!
11. T.V. show you secretly enjoy?
The Soup on E! Also, there's this really weird late-night infomercial where a woman in a blue business suit and panty hose is lying on a bed and squeezing a foam pillow between her thighs. I'm not 100% sure what it's about, but it's like they looked into my mind!
12. Would you rather play basketball or hockey?
I could get behind a rousing game of donkey basketball...
13. Date someone older or younger?
It really doesn't matter, just so long as I'm not robbing the cradle. Or the Posturepedic...
14. One place you could travel right now?
15. Do you use umbrellas?
I think I got one for graduation back in 1985, but I can't remember actually ever using it...
16. Do you know all the words to the Canadian national anthem?
Doesn't it just repeat "O Canada" over and over again? And then there's something about syrup.
17. Favorite cheese?
In my 40 years on this planet, I have yet to develop any particularly strong cheese affiliations. I guess cheddar, by default.
18. The Smith’s or The Cure?
Love and Rockets, baby!
19. Do you prefer blondes or brunettes?
I was equally torn between Farrah Fawcett and Lynda Carter as a child...
20. Best job you ever had?
Probably the one I have right now, writing copy for the City Guide at a major yellow pages website. There's minimal pressure, the pay is great, the hours are cool, and I'm working with Sean, my best friend since preschool. Just the idea that I'm getting paid to write is somehow gratifying...
21. Did you go to your high school prom?
Hell, yeah! I even took the Homecoming Queen! Goddamn, I was cool!
22. Perfect time to wake up?
My body usually snaps awake around 7:00 or so, just in time for Spongebob...
23. Perfect time to go to bed?
Late! When I was doing the two-year sabbatical thing, I used to write through the night until 5:00 or 6:00 a.m. Now that I'm gainfully employed, I'm forced to keep respectable "grown-up" hours. But I still have trouble winding down before midnight.
24. Do you use your queen right away in chess?
I usually lose my queen 3 or 4 moves in to that stupid horsey guy. I really hate chess...
25. Ever been in a car accident?
Several, but most of them weren't my fault! You can read all about my last one here...
26. Closer to mom or dad…or neither?
My mom and dad divorced when I was 3, and mom got custody of me and my sister. She raised us practically single-handedly, working long hours to keep us fed and happy. I've always been able to count on her, sometimes to the point that I take her for granted. My dad (who died in 1997, God rest him), was always a bit of a flake, and wavered back and forth between showering me and my sister with affection and ignoring us for months at a time. I loved him dearly, but I never made the mistake of depending on him for anything.
27. What age is this exciting life over for you?
On June 14, 2037, I'm going to throw myself in front of a space bus. WHAT KIND OF SICK FUCKING QUESTION IS THAT?
28. What decade during the 20th century would you have chosen to be a teenager?
Probably the 1920s so I could say "Twenty-three skidoo!" and not be ironic.
29. Favorite shoes you have EVER owned?
I don't usually splurge on shoes, but back in 1987 I spent $90 on a pair of blue paisley Zodiacs which were easily the coolest shoes I ever owned. They were RAD!
30. Do you have an article of clothing you have had since you were in high school?
I may still have one or two skinny ties in the back of the closet somewhere...
31. Were you in track and field?
No. I was in marching band and on the yearbook staff. A total nerd. But did I mention that I TOOK THE GODDAMN HOMECOMING QUEEN TO PROM?
32. Were you ever in a school talent show?
No, but I was on the writing committee for the high school talent show. Our job was to come up with the emcee's witty introduction of the acts. My two contributions were for a magician who made billiard balls disappear ("He'll amaze you with his balls!") and a girl who clog danced ("She'll clog her way into your heart!").
33. Have you ever written in a library book?
Yes. During the 1970s and 80s, I travelled from small town to small town and wrote "SUCK IT, ANDREW CARNEGIE" in several thousand books. Smug philanthropist bastard!
34. Allergic to?
Nothing in particular.
35. Favorite fruit?
Craig Ferguson. BADA BING! GOOD NIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!
36. Have you watched Sex and the City?
Yes, but it wasn't my choice. I wanted to watch Oz, another HBO series in which anal sex is prominently featured...
37. Baseball hat or toque?
Baseball hat (check the picture!). I would wear a toque, but apparently they won't let you unless you know the words to the Candian National Anthem.
38. Do you shampoo or soap up first in the shower?
39. Wet the toothbrush or brush dry with the toothpaste?
Once you start brushing dry, it's a slippery slope to buttering your PB&J.
40. Pen or pencil?
Pen, when I have to. My handwriting is abominable and, in fact, resembles something written by Katharine Hepburn after someone filled her full of black coffee and wedged a crayon between her toes. So I tend to type everything when possible.
41. Have you ever gambled at a casino?
42. Have you thrown up on a plane?
43. Have you thrown up in a car?
44. Have you thrown up at work?
45. Do you scream on roller coasters?
In the manliest way imaginable.
46. How many shoes do you have?
I'm not certain, but I'm pretty sure it's an even number.
47. Who was your first roommate?
"Sigma Chi pledge Bobby Muzeka."
48. What alcoholic beverage did you drink when you got drunk for the first time?
I believe that would be the Night Train, which could very well be the finest $1.99 bottle of fortified apple wine available on the market. The trick is to get it down your throat without actually letting it touch your tongue. And when they warn you on the label to serve it cold, YOU'D DAMN WELL BETTER LISTEN!
49. What was your first job?
I sold auto parts at Leaman's "Discount" Automotive when I was a sophomore in high school. It was there that I met Rick Leaman, an incorrigible smartass who taught me the fine art of sarcasm and dry wit. The man was a caustic genius!
50. What was your first car?
A 1969 yellow Chevy pickup.
51. When did you go to your first funeral?
My great grandfather passed away when I was in the 5th grade.
52. How old were you when you first moved away from your hometown?
I was 3 when we moved to Dallas from Mount Vernon.
53. Who was your first grade teacher?
Lord, I don't remember. Mrs. MacFarland, or something like that. She was an older woman with a huge, white beehive.
54. Where did you go on your first airplane ride?
When I was 6 years old, my mom took me and my sister on a weekend trip to Houston. We got to see the Astros play at the Astrodome, and we visited Astroworld, and did about a million other goddamn things that had the word "Astro" in them, but the plane ride was by far the coolest part! (I remember looking down at all of the fields from way up high and thinking that they were all individual states.)
55. When you snuck out of your house for the first time, who was it with?
I never snuck out. I was one of those sullen kids who locked himself in his room all the time. But I got better...
56. Who was your first best friend and are you still friends with them?
That would be Sean, whom I met at La Petite Academy when we were 5 years old. And yes, he is still my oldest and dearest friend to this day.
57. Where did you live the first time you moved out of your parents’ house?
Weymouth Dormitory at Texas Tech University in Lubbock, Texas. With "Sigma Chi pledge Bobby Museka."
58. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day?
Nobody now :-(
59. Whose wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid or a groomsmen?
I was the best man in my mom's second wedding (I was 9 years old, I think). That was when she married J.R., a man who made it his life's mission to protect me from my own potential gayness...
60. What is the first thing you do in the morning?
Turn on the TV and watch Spongebob.
61. What was the first concert you attended?
I think it was Charlie Daniels Band, when I was in the 10th grade. "Devil went down to Georgia, he was lookin' for a soul to steal..."
62. First tattoo or piercing?
I got my left ear pierced in 1989 when I pledged Sigma Tau Gamma. I eventually quit the fraternity, but I still have the hole in my ear.
63. First celebrity crush?
Let's just say I spent an awful lot of time holding up that Farrah Fawcett poster with one hand...