Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Jack Chick Halloween Special - Part 1

For those of you who don't know, Jack Chick is a freaky, FREAKY cartoonist who writes these little comic book tracts that rail against Satanists, gays, evolution, Muslims, liberals, rock music, Freemasons, Dungeons & Dragons, Catholics, Mormons, and basically any form of Christianity that differs from his extreme fundamentalism. In fact, the basic tenet of Chick's faith seems to be that God is a capricious asshole who is just *itching* for an excuse to cast your sinning ass into Hell.

But of all these pressing issues, the one that really seems to get up Chick's ass with cleats on is Halloween. Our man Jack has devoted no less than five of his "Chick Tracts" to exposing Halloween as a vast Satanic conspiracy concocted by druids and pagans to sacrifice small children and boost the sales of tiny Snickers bars.

The Trick (1986)
The first of Chick's Halloween oeuvre is The Trick. This one opens with a coven of diabolical witches hatching their evil scheme to sacrifice children to the devil by poisoning Halloween candy. However, it turns out that this year's Halloween drive has a dual purpose. Membership is down in Club Satan. Apparently role playing games and rock music just aren't bringing in the numbers like they used to, so the witches are also going to put curses on the treats to gain recruits.



On Halloween night, little Johnny Dexter and his friends, Jerry and Susie, go out trick or treating without realizing they are on a collision course with the kind of horrific tragedy that could only be pulled out of the ass of a fundamentalist Christian like Chick. Their neighbor Brenda, who is in league with the forces of evil, gives them all some tainted treats. Johnny dies from eating the poisoned candy, while Jerry ends up in the hospital with cuts in his mouth. Susie also gets sick from eating one of the cursed treats, but manages to recover. And then, irony of ironies, Sister Charity (who masterminded the whole messy caper) has a heart attack and dies while watching the tragedy unfold on the news. And she finds herself in Hell, where the devil taunts her by laughing like Z.Z. Top.



You're probably thinking to yourself at this point, "Thank God this whole sordid tale is over." Well, if so, you're a retard because Jack Chick is just warming up! Remember little Jerry and Susie, who survived the wicked Halloween treats? Well, they've gone from sweet and obedient to unmanageable little monsters who no longer want to go to Sunday School. (In other words, normal children.) Their parents are at wit's end, trying to figure out how to handle their wicked little hellspawn. And Brenda, whom nobody suspects is an undercover agent of Beelzebub, is trying to convince them that it's all just a harmless phase that all kids go through.

But Brenda's plans are undone by the arrival of Becky, a former witch who now serves Jesus. Yes, having turned her back on the dark conspiracy of witchcraft and Satanism, Becky now travels the nation and fights her evil former cohorts with the power of... well, God and the Bible and stuff. Upon meeting Becky, Brenda immediately smells an evangelical rat. And once Becky starts letting loose with the TRUTH behind Halloween, Brenda's suspicions are confirmed.



Becky spins a sordid tale of ancient druids and child sacrifice that Chick *claims* is straight from the pages of The Two Babylons, a pamphlet written by Scottish theologian Alexander Hislop in 1853. However, I suspect most of Chick's information actually came from repeated viewings of Halloween III: Season of the Witch. We learn that the druids were actually part of an ancient protection racket who would go door to door and demand children and virgins from families in exchange for protecting them from the forces of evil. Any families that didn't cough up would end up with a Star of David inscribed on their door, because apparently the Jews were in on it too. And then, someone would die!



Brenda tries to defuse Becky's devil stories by laughing them off as superstition. At first, the parents of the tainted demon kids fall for Brenda's line of reasoning and dismiss Becky's allegations. But then, Becky explains to them that the only reason her stories sound asinine and unbelievable is because IT'S ALL A PART OF SATAN'S PLAN TO TRICK PEOPLE INTO NOT BELIEVING IN HIM! And then, while the parents are scrambling to find the socks that just got blown the hell off their feet, Becky brings it on home and tells them that only the power of Jesus will snap those little misbehaving carpet apes into shape. As Becky leads them in prayer, Brenda vents her frustration by swearing in some goddamn moon man language.



Next: Jack Chick's Boo! rips on Halloween and horror movies, and isn't afraid to use stacks of dead teenagers to bring you closer to the Lord.

9 comments:

Farrago said...

You are such an eloquent atheist. I wish I had your level of focus when I discuss my beliefs -- or lack thereof.

Well, maybe someday, but for now I'll just read what you write, and say, "Yeah. What he said.!"

Anonymous said...

Jack Chick sure hates Halloween. He's devoted a half-dozen cartoon tracts to showing how it is Satan's holiday. Two of these tracts were made into short films, "Bewitched?" and "The Little Princess". They are a gas. Over at www.316now.com. Happy Halloween! HAW HAW HAW!

scarletvirago said...

Is it just me, or does Becky look like Ron Paul (R-Tx) in drag?

Sylvana said...

When I want my kid home, I usually call him on my cell. Praying, huh? Are there per-minute fees or lengthy contracts involved?

I don't know which is more disturbing, that Chick writes these or that we read them!

I seriously read these every chance I get. I'm a sick, sick puppy!

Irb said...

Farrago: An eloquent atheist! My family would be so proud, if they weren't busy trying to pray my sinning ass into Heaven...

Anonymous: I have to check those out! Jack Chick is so obsessive about his intellectual property, I'm surprised those guys haven't been slammed with cease and desist orders.

Scarletvirago: I don't know, but Brenda definitely has a Katherine Harris vibe about her...

Sylvana: When my parents used to make me go to church, I would grab a stack of these tracts from the foyer, make my way up into the balcony, and spend the entire service reading them. I mean, let's face it. Would you rather listen to some dry old preacher ramble on about the Paul's epistle to the Corintheans, or read a comic about the minions of the antichrist chasing down Christians with a portable guillotine?

Hot Lemon said...

a kook who can draw better than i can... Damnit, but that 'ent fair!!

Mic Micson said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Canoon Canoon II said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Canoon Canoon II said...

What the heck does chick jack mean? Thank you.

I have heard jews are jack chicks and mohammed was a jack chick many times.