Which Came First, the Chicken Hawk or the Egghead?

So apparently Rush Limbaugh put his cloven hoof in his mouth last month and referred to military personnel who are opposed to the war in Iraq as "phony soldiers." Since his incredibly retarded faux pas, Rush has been scrambling to cover his ass. He claimed that he was the target of a smear campaign being run by Media Matters. As evidence, he offered up a heavily edited transcript of the broadcast in question, in which he cut out over a minute and a half of the conversation and changed the offending phrase to "phony soldier" so he could claim he was specifically referring to Jesse MacBeth.

Anyone with more than a quarter of a brain could see through Rush's pathetic revisionist attempts. So of course, Limbaugh's rabid supporters are all foaming at the mouth about the vast liberal conspiracy and how the Democrats have mounted a massive Machiavellian campaign to destroy their messiah. It all sounds pretty retarded, but you have to remember that these are the same people who believe that Bill and Hillary masterminded the murders of over a hundred people, or that Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs to church.

Joining this brain trust in their kneejerk defense of Rush Limbaugh, martyr, is Representative Eric Cantor from Virgina. Cantor feels that the poor, oppressed conservatives have suffered for far too long at the hands of the oppressive Democrat regime, and is calling for them to unite and stand with Rush against the liberal attacks. He's got a petition and everything. Way to fight the man, Eric! Rush Limbaugh could be just the drug-abusing, draft-dodging college dropout you need to pull the conservatives together and make the klavern mighty once again!

(Interesting fact: Despite the raging hard-on Limbaugh has for putting our soldiers in harm's way, he managed to avoid military duty in Vietnam because he had a pimple on his ass. Of course, when you're talking about an ass that big, that was probably one hell of a pimple. But still...)

One of the outspoken Democrats insisting on an apology from Limbaugh was John Kerry, whom you may remember orchestrated an intricate scheme involving hundreds of soldiers in Vietnam to defraud the U.S. military out of a Purple Heart. Oh, those cagey liberals!

Anyway, Kerry called Limbaugh a "cheerleader for the Chicken Hawk wing of the far right" and said he was "an embarrassment to his Party." Of course, Kerry made his own blunder back in 2005, when he stated that there was no reason "that young American soldiers need to be going into the homes of Iraqis in the dead of night, terrorizing kids and children." Ironically, it was Rush Limbaugh who feigned outrage and accused Kerry of calling the U.S. soldiers terrorists. Kerry, in his usual rambling, long-winded way, attempted to explain that he *hadn't* said that, but Rush has never been one to let the facts get in the way of a good story. Somehow, he parlayed Kerry's moment of ill-advised dumbassery into a massive rant about how liberals love tyranny and hate freedom and that's the real reason why they oppose Bush and Jesus.

Now, I understand a vast part of politics is pretending to be outraged over things your opponents say so you can claim the moral high ground. And I'll be the first to admit that the attack Kerry is leading is more about political opportunity than actual indignation. But it's not a vast liberal conspiracy like the ones that dominate Limbaugh's fantasies. (Actually, I suspect most of Limbaugh's fantasies involve wearing a panda suit and getting spanked by Ann Coulter, but I digress...)

So yeah, Kerry's a total opportunist here. Once you strip away all the posturing and overblown responses, you're left with the fact that Rush Limbaugh made an ill-advised, off-the-cuff remark. Lord knows when you spend three hours a day talking out of your ass, you're going to say some stupid things. If this were an isolated incident, Rush could simply admit that he misspoke and things would eventually settle down. Unfortunately, Herr Limbaugh has spent the last decade propping up his retarded world views by attacking the patriotism of many decorated veterans just because they disagreed with him. So now that he had dug himself into this hole, the Democrats aren't going to let him out of it without an apology.

But things are never that simple, are they? The Republicans claim that this whole chain of events was set into motion when MoveOn.org took out a full page ad in the New York Times accusing General David H. Petraeus of "cooking the books for the White House" and referring to him as "General Betray Us." Outraged that the Democrats would so flagrantly attack a decorated military hero, Republican Senator John Cornyn drafted an amendment to "strongly condemn personal attacks on the honor and integrity of General Petraeus." The amendment passed. Democratic Senator Barbara Boxer drafted a similar amendment condemning the attack on Petreaus, as well as the Republican attacks on Max Cleland in 2002 and John Kerry in 2004. Oddly enough, that one didn't get enough votes to pass.

So now, the Republicans are demanding an apology from the Democrats for the attack on General Petraeus. The Democrats are claiming they weren't behind the ad and, besides, they've already publicly condemned it. Meanwhile, the Democrats are demanding an apology from the Republicans for Rush's gaffe, and the Republicans are claiming it's all an elaborate smokescreen to draw attention away from the General Petraeus issue. The battle lines are drawn, and both sides are polarizing between Limbaugh and Kerry, each claiming the other side bears responsibility. It's a question of which came first, the Chicken Hawk or the Egghead?

But the Republicans have a point. To assign a nickname as hateful and disparaging as "Betray Us" to a man who has served his country faithfully in the armed forces is, in the words of Rush, "contemptible" and "indecent." It sort of makes you wonder where MoveOn.org got the idea, doesn't it?

Well last January, after Senator Chuck Hagel (a Republican Senator and decorated Vietnam veteran) sided with Democrats in a vote, Rush had this to say: "By the way, we had a caller call, couldn't stay on the air, got a new name for Senator Hagel in Nebraska. We got General Petraeus and we got Senator Betray Us, new name for Senator Hagel."

So in case you're having trouble following: The Democrats are demanding an apology for something stupid that Rush said. The Republicans are claiming that the Democrats are simply trying to draw attention away from something stupid that MoveOn.org said. Only it turns out that MoveOn.org was simply rehashing something stupid that Rush said.

Sigh. It's like the Circle Jerk of Life...