Newsweek Single-Handedly Ruins Peace in the Middle East

On May 9, Newsweek magazine printed a story alleging that American interrogators at Guantanamo Bay put copies of the Quran in the toilet to coerce prisoners to talk. And now, U.S. officials are blaming the Newsweek story as the sole cause of riots and anti-American sentiment in Afghanistan, Pakistan, and every other nation that ends in -istan.

I guess I can see that. I mean, prior to the story's publication, our nation was beloved in the Middle East. Our policy of invading other countries and making up reasons for it after the fact had totally endeared us to the Muslim world. Everything overseas was sunshine, rainbows, and baskets of kittens. And then, those bastards at Newsweek had to come along and make our nation look bad!

Protesters in Pakistan burn an American flag,
something that NEVER HAPPENED before May 9!

Originally Newsweek admitted that their governmental source had recanted his story, and editor Mark Whitaker apologized in print for any part of the story that was wrong. However, it wasn't until the Bush administration called for a full retraction that Newsweek disavowed the article. And in a totally unrelated story, those mysterious dots of red light that were hovering over Whitaker's daughter's forehead have vanished...

But of course, an event like this just wouldn't be complete without some Republican jackass beating his chest and grandstanding about Newsweek's appalling lack of journalistic integrity. In this case, said jackass was White House spokesman Scott McClellan:

It's puzzling that while Newsweek now acknowledges that they got the facts wrong, they refused to retract the story. I think there's a certain journalistic standard that should be met and in this instance it was not... The report has had serious consequences. People have lost their lives. The image of the United States abroad has been damaged.

My friend Boidy suggested that Newsweek respond with:

It's puzzling that while the White House now acknowledges that they haven't found WMDs or a link between Al Queda and Iraq, they have refused to retract their claims. I think there's a certain standard of governing that should be met and in this instance it has not. The claims the administration used to send this nation to war have had serious consequences. People have lost their lives. The image of the United States abroad has been damaged.

In a way, the Newsweek article was a lucky break for Bush and his minions. If it hadn't come out when it did, the administration would have been stuck trying to blame violence in the Middle East on stem cells and gay marriage, which would've been an admittedly harder sell.

When is the damn gay Jew-run liberal media going to learn? Filing a news story based on inaccurate or fradulent information is irresponsibility of the greatest magnitude!

But taking a nation to war based on inaccurate or fradulent information? Well, goddammit, that's just good presidentin'!