Monday, March 27, 2006

Fuzzy Mathematation

Poor George W. Try as he might, he just can't seem to get past the WMD thing. Or the Hurricane Katrina fiasco. Or the Abu Ghriab and Guatanamo Bay prison scandals. Or the NSA wiretapping issue. Or the Valerie Plame affair. Or the Al Jazeera bombing memo. Or the yellowcake uranium forgery. Or the...

Well, let's just say the man has a full plate and, as a result, his approval rating is falling faster than pants at the Kennedy compound. Currently, his rating is sitting at 36%, which coincidentally is the number of Americans who also believe that dinosaur bones were buried by Jesus to fuck with secular humanists.

But Bush and his klavern are no strangers to adversity. Why just recently, it was brought to Bush's attention that the federal government debt was about to hit the $8,180,000,000,000 legal limit, and Bush fixed it by raising the debt ceiling (for the fourth time).

The strategy has proven successful, which has encouraged Bush to apply it to other areas as well. Social Security has been fixed by changing the retirement age to 98, and the definition of terrorist has been broadened to include anybody not in the aforementioned 36%.

So it was hardly a surprise to anyone when Scott McClellan, White House Press Secretary and Tiny Pair of Legs Dangling from President Bush's Ass, held a press conference on Monday morning to announce changes to the approval rating process.

"Ever since the president was swept into office with a historical overwhelming record-breaking 51% of the vote, he's been constantly penalized by the liberal bias of our mathematical system," McClellan told reporters. "We've decided the will of the American people can best be reflected by capping the approval rating system at 40%."

"In light of this adjustment, the president is now more popular than he's ever been!"

The announcement was met with cheers and glossolalia from the FOX News correspondents, but the response from the rest of the press corps was lukewarm at best. Senior White House Correspondent Helen Thomas voiced her outrage, but her protests were cut short when she was shot in the face by Dick Cheney.

"This is nothing new," McClellan insisted to reporters. "The president has always been a staunch supporter of grading on a curve. How do you think he got through Yale and Harvard? Or became president in 2000?"

In his rebuttal, feral Democrat Howard Dean stated, "This is just another example of the current administration's penchant for massaging facts to... wait a minute. Bush went to Yale and Harvard? How the fuck did THAT happen?"

He then added, "YEEAAAAARGH!!!!"

3 comments:

mr. schprock said...

I think what most impressed me most about this story was Dick Cheney's rapid, heads-up response during that news conference. It makes me feel more secure about the chain of command.

SJ said...

"Tiny Pair of Legs Dangling from President Bush's Ass"

That was beautiful, Irb.

Farrago said...

I'll catch hell for this, but...here goes...

I am enjoying Bush's deflation in his approval ratings, even in the eyes of his own party.

You can say what you wish about Bill Clinton and his personal peccadilloes. They were just that -- personal. In his eight years occupying the Oval Office, he may have found himself in compromising positions with various young, female staffers, but he never compromised the Office of the President of the United States of America the way Bush has.

Bush has taken the already challenged image the USA has been fighting to overcome and stomped it into the dirt. No flag-burning anti-USA protestor/terrorist could ever tarnish the flag of our nation the way Bush has by gripping the Constitutition by the horns and bending it to his will. "'Probable Cause?' We'll just line that phrase out and pencil in 'Just Cause.' No, wait. Make that 'A Just Cause,' because every American will support it if it's for a just cause. No, wait. Erase the 'A.' Keep it as 'Just Cause,' because I want to be able to do it any time, just 'cause."