Tuesday, March 28, 2006

A Few Random Musings...

If you really love the Lord so much that you're willing to put a bumper sticker on your car proclaiming your faith, then MAYBE you shouldn't drive like an asshole. I'm just saying...

----------

My favorite food is Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls. In fact, my fantasy is to actually be married to Little Debbie and have her say to me, "Sweetheart, as soon as I take these Swiss Cake Rolls out of the oven, we'll go make love on the veranda."

----------

If you're ever on your way to buy a lottery ticket and you get struck by lightning, you should probably just give up because what are the odds?

----------

Since Bill Frist and Howard Dean are both doctors, they should go into practice together. Comedy hijinx would ensue.

Dean: Would you call the time of death?
Frist: Wait a minute, Howard! The patient could still make a full recovery.
Dean: Are you retarded, Bill? He's been decapitated!
Frist: Yes, I know. But look at his eyes! He's obviously still alert.
Dean: Bill, his head has been cut off! There is no medical cure for that!
Frist: Well, we still haven't tried prayer.
Dean: YEEEEAAAAAAAARGH!!!!

----------

For some reason, I really hate it when men wear sandals. I can't explain why. It's just one of those things that makes my skin crawl. Jesus wore sandals, and that's one of the reasons why I'm no longer a Christian.

----------

They finally added the name "Lara" to the Microsoft Word dictionary. I used to go out with a girl named Lara back in 1996, and every time I'd type her name in Word, it would suggest that I replace "Lara" with "larva" or "lard". She didn't find it nearly as funny as I did.

----------

When my nephew was 2 years old, my mom gave him some Chronicles of Narnia picture books. One day, he announced he was going to read me a story, which basically meant he was going to look at the pictures and then make up a story to go along with them. He got to the picture of the children meeting Father Christmas and he said in a solem voice, "And then they met God and God told them everything would be okay, but He lied."

Have I mentioned that my nephew is astonishingly cool?

----------

I was watching The Three Stooges the other night, and I finally figured out why women don't like them.

They're not funny.

----------

If you really are an investment counselor, and you wish to notify me by e-mail about an exciting new investment opportunity, you might want to make your subject line a little more descriptive than "BANJO FISH UNDERWEAR".

Same thing goes for you pharmaceutical companies.

-----------

How come so many conservatives insist that the only method of birth control that's 100% effective is abstinence? I can think of one documented case where even THAT didn't work, and you'd think they'd at least be familiar with it...

-----------

And finally, an oldie but a goodie. Go to Google, type in "failure" and click the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button.

7 comments:

trinamick said...

My BIL can eat an entire box of Swiss Cake Rolls at once. It doesn't make him vomit, but watching him makes me want to hurl.

SJ said...

I think your fantasy is world class. Seriously. You should make that a tag line in case you're ever interviewed on Fox News.

Farrago said...

The Three Stooges are too funny! I know the real reason women don't like them. It's because no woman can do a realistic impersonation of Curly.

Any guy can do some impersonation, whether it's the voice: "Hey, Moe!" or "Moe! Larry! CHEESE!" Whether it's the classic "WHOOP-OOP-oop-oop-oop!" Or even the other classic "Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!"

Any time you've ever seen a guy do his version of Curly, you laugh, or at least you chime in with your own.

Whenever a woman tries it, you just feel abject embarrassment for her. Their decades of the inability to ape Curly have turned them against the Three Stooges forever. They are sworn to hate the Three Stooges.

(I stumbled across my wife's instruction book. I saw the section on the Three Stooges. I swear it's all true.)

So, Irb. If you don't like the Three Stooges, or you don't think they're funny, you must be a woman.

Irb said...

Trinamick: For some reason, Swiss Cake Rolls just don't fill you up. Maybe it's because they contain absolutely no nutritional value whatsoever. In fact, I suspect they contain negative amounts of nutritional value, so actually eating one depletes your body of life-sustaining vitamins and minerals. But my point is you don't eat Swiss Cake Rolls until you're full. You eat them until they're gone, baby! And then you have some Little Debbie Nutty Bars for dessert! Yeah!

SJ: If I'm ever interviewed on FOX News, I think my tag line will be, "Ow! Let go of my ass, O'Reilly!"

Farrago: Actually, given my love of Desperate Housewives and my utter fear of bugs, there's a lot of merit to your argument. And to be fair, there is a layer of subtext to most Three Stooges episodes that I totally missed the first time. The recurring use of Curly as a Christ-figure, the tragic pathos of Shemp, the unrequited homoerotic tension between Moe and Larry...

But they're still not funny.

Farrago said...

Hmmm....subtext.

I can see what you mean about Curly as Christ. I have worshipped him in the past. I even say "For the love of Curly!" when I get frustrated.

And the thing about the "thing" between Moe and Larry... I'll never be able to watch the Three Stooges the same way again. Now I'll have to watch them naked and covered in oil on a rubber sheet.

sideshow bob said...

I would so watch that Frist/Dean show!

"YEEEEAAAAAAAARGH!!!!" could be the new "D'oh!"

Sylvana said...

Holy Shit! This was funny!!
My favorite was the birth control bit. Very clever. I will be using that in the future.