If you really love the Lord so much that you're willing to put a bumper sticker on your car proclaiming your faith, then MAYBE you shouldn't drive like an asshole. I'm just saying...
----------
My favorite food is Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls. In fact, my fantasy is to actually be married to Little Debbie and have her say to me, "Sweetheart, as soon as I take these Swiss Cake Rolls out of the oven, we'll go make love on the veranda."
----------
If you're ever on your way to buy a lottery ticket and you get struck by lightning, you should probably just give up because what are the odds?
----------
Since Bill Frist and Howard Dean are both doctors, they should go into practice together. Comedy hijinx would ensue.
Dean: Would you call the time of death?
Frist: Wait a minute, Howard! The patient could still make a full recovery.
Dean: Are you retarded, Bill? He's been decapitated!
Frist: Yes, I know. But look at his eyes! He's obviously still alert.
Dean: Bill, his head has been cut off! There is no medical cure for that!
Frist: Well, we still haven't tried prayer.
Dean: YEEEEAAAAAAAARGH!!!!
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For some reason, I really hate it when men wear sandals. I can't explain why. It's just one of those things that makes my skin crawl. Jesus wore sandals, and that's one of the reasons why I'm no longer a Christian.
----------
They finally added the name "Lara" to the Microsoft Word dictionary. I used to go out with a girl named Lara back in 1996, and every time I'd type her name in Word, it would suggest that I replace "Lara" with "larva" or "lard". She didn't find it nearly as funny as I did.
----------
When my nephew was 2 years old, my mom gave him some Chronicles of Narnia picture books. One day, he announced he was going to read me a story, which basically meant he was going to look at the pictures and then make up a story to go along with them. He got to the picture of the children meeting Father Christmas and he said in a solem voice, "And then they met God and God told them everything would be okay, but He lied."
Have I mentioned that my nephew is astonishingly cool?
----------
I was watching The Three Stooges the other night, and I finally figured out why women don't like them.
They're not funny.
----------
If you really are an investment counselor, and you wish to notify me by e-mail about an exciting new investment opportunity, you might want to make your subject line a little more descriptive than "BANJO FISH UNDERWEAR".
Same thing goes for you pharmaceutical companies.
-----------
How come so many conservatives insist that the only method of birth control that's 100% effective is abstinence? I can think of one documented case where even THAT didn't work, and you'd think they'd at least be familiar with it...
-----------
And finally, an oldie but a goodie. Go to Google, type in "failure" and click the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Monday, March 27, 2006
Fuzzy Mathematation
Poor George W. Try as he might, he just can't seem to get past the WMD thing. Or the Hurricane Katrina fiasco. Or the Abu Ghriab and Guatanamo Bay prison scandals. Or the NSA wiretapping issue. Or the Valerie Plame affair. Or the Al Jazeera bombing memo. Or the yellowcake uranium forgery. Or the...
Well, let's just say the man has a full plate and, as a result, his approval rating is falling faster than pants at the Kennedy compound. Currently, his rating is sitting at 36%, which coincidentally is the number of Americans who also believe that dinosaur bones were buried by Jesus to fuck with secular humanists.
But Bush and his klavern are no strangers to adversity. Why just recently, it was brought to Bush's attention that the federal government debt was about to hit the $8,180,000,000,000 legal limit, and Bush fixed it by raising the debt ceiling (for the fourth time).
The strategy has proven successful, which has encouraged Bush to apply it to other areas as well. Social Security has been fixed by changing the retirement age to 98, and the definition of terrorist has been broadened to include anybody not in the aforementioned 36%.
So it was hardly a surprise to anyone when Scott McClellan, White House Press Secretary and Tiny Pair of Legs Dangling from President Bush's Ass, held a press conference on Monday morning to announce changes to the approval rating process.
"Ever since the president was swept into office with a historical overwhelming record-breaking 51% of the vote, he's been constantly penalized by the liberal bias of our mathematical system," McClellan told reporters. "We've decided the will of the American people can best be reflected by capping the approval rating system at 40%."
"In light of this adjustment, the president is now more popular than he's ever been!"
The announcement was met with cheers and glossolalia from the FOX News correspondents, but the response from the rest of the press corps was lukewarm at best. Senior White House Correspondent Helen Thomas voiced her outrage, but her protests were cut short when she was shot in the face by Dick Cheney.
"This is nothing new," McClellan insisted to reporters. "The president has always been a staunch supporter of grading on a curve. How do you think he got through Yale and Harvard? Or became president in 2000?"
In his rebuttal, feral Democrat Howard Dean stated, "This is just another example of the current administration's penchant for massaging facts to... wait a minute. Bush went to Yale and Harvard? How the fuck did THAT happen?"
He then added, "YEEAAAAARGH!!!!"
Well, let's just say the man has a full plate and, as a result, his approval rating is falling faster than pants at the Kennedy compound. Currently, his rating is sitting at 36%, which coincidentally is the number of Americans who also believe that dinosaur bones were buried by Jesus to fuck with secular humanists.
But Bush and his klavern are no strangers to adversity. Why just recently, it was brought to Bush's attention that the federal government debt was about to hit the $8,180,000,000,000 legal limit, and Bush fixed it by raising the debt ceiling (for the fourth time).
The strategy has proven successful, which has encouraged Bush to apply it to other areas as well. Social Security has been fixed by changing the retirement age to 98, and the definition of terrorist has been broadened to include anybody not in the aforementioned 36%.
So it was hardly a surprise to anyone when Scott McClellan, White House Press Secretary and Tiny Pair of Legs Dangling from President Bush's Ass, held a press conference on Monday morning to announce changes to the approval rating process.
"Ever since the president was swept into office with a historical overwhelming record-breaking 51% of the vote, he's been constantly penalized by the liberal bias of our mathematical system," McClellan told reporters. "We've decided the will of the American people can best be reflected by capping the approval rating system at 40%."
"In light of this adjustment, the president is now more popular than he's ever been!"
The announcement was met with cheers and glossolalia from the FOX News correspondents, but the response from the rest of the press corps was lukewarm at best. Senior White House Correspondent Helen Thomas voiced her outrage, but her protests were cut short when she was shot in the face by Dick Cheney.
"This is nothing new," McClellan insisted to reporters. "The president has always been a staunch supporter of grading on a curve. How do you think he got through Yale and Harvard? Or became president in 2000?"
In his rebuttal, feral Democrat Howard Dean stated, "This is just another example of the current administration's penchant for massaging facts to... wait a minute. Bush went to Yale and Harvard? How the fuck did THAT happen?"
He then added, "YEEAAAAARGH!!!!"
Saturday, March 18, 2006
"God hates... well, me!"
You have to admit. "Reverend" Phelps is looking mighty gay in that cowboy hat...
Friday, March 17, 2006
Overheard in the Blizzard Entertainment Breakroom...
"I just got through designing another quest for World of Warcraft."
"Oh yeah? Tell me about it."
"Well, basically Ginko the dwarf wants you to kill some Swamp Orcs and bring him back 10 Orc Fingers."
"Sounds pretty straightforward."
"Not really. The Orc Fingers are a pretty rare drop. You'll probably have to kill somewhere around 3,000 Swamp Orcs before you get enough Orc Fingers to complete the quest."
"So... not all the Swamp Orcs have fingers?"
"No."
"How do they hold their swords?"
"It doesn't matter."
"So, what level is this quest?"
"That's the cool part. The Swamp Orcs are around level 10, so it's a level 10 quest. But I've bunched them together in groups of 5, so you can't possibly fight them one at a time."
"Cool!"
"Plus, I've given them a ridiculous aggro, so as soon as you attack one, every single Swamp Orc on the continent will come at you."
"Wow, I love this quest!"
"And some of the Swamp Orcs are spellcasters, so they'll be pegging you with lightning from about two miles away."
"Genius!"
"And I've got a bunch of elites wandering around in the area too, just to make sure the players get killed a lot."
"I salute you, my friend. You have totally outdone yourself this time."
"I haven't even told you the best part yet. The graveyard is all the way on the other side of the map, so every time the players die, they'll have to waste 20 minutes getting back to where their body is."
"..."
"Are you okay?"
"I think I just came."
"Oh yeah? Tell me about it."
"Well, basically Ginko the dwarf wants you to kill some Swamp Orcs and bring him back 10 Orc Fingers."
"Sounds pretty straightforward."
"Not really. The Orc Fingers are a pretty rare drop. You'll probably have to kill somewhere around 3,000 Swamp Orcs before you get enough Orc Fingers to complete the quest."
"So... not all the Swamp Orcs have fingers?"
"No."
"How do they hold their swords?"
"It doesn't matter."
"So, what level is this quest?"
"That's the cool part. The Swamp Orcs are around level 10, so it's a level 10 quest. But I've bunched them together in groups of 5, so you can't possibly fight them one at a time."
"Cool!"
"Plus, I've given them a ridiculous aggro, so as soon as you attack one, every single Swamp Orc on the continent will come at you."
"Wow, I love this quest!"
"And some of the Swamp Orcs are spellcasters, so they'll be pegging you with lightning from about two miles away."
"Genius!"
"And I've got a bunch of elites wandering around in the area too, just to make sure the players get killed a lot."
"I salute you, my friend. You have totally outdone yourself this time."
"I haven't even told you the best part yet. The graveyard is all the way on the other side of the map, so every time the players die, they'll have to waste 20 minutes getting back to where their body is."
"..."
"Are you okay?"
"I think I just came."
Monday, March 13, 2006
Personally, I was hoping for Otto...
| You Are Barney |
 You will be remembered for: your beautiful singing voice and your burps Your life philosophy: "There's nothing like beer to give you that inflated sense of self-esteem." |
Thanks to Sideshow Bob for this soul-numbing insight into my dark and wondrous psyche.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Fun with Babel Fish
I'm bored, and I have internet access. And since my workplace sort of frowns on the downloading of porn, I'm forced to find other ways to entertain myself.
So what I've done is use Babel Fish to translate some famous quotes into Japanese, and then back into English. Or Engrish, if you will. All you have to do is figure out the original quote.
So have fun, and let the good times roll. Or as our Japanese friends might say, "When, being pleasant pass, when being good, permit the roll."
Oh, those inscrutible Asians, with their kung fu and their eggrolls and their tiger penis coffee...
--------------------
1. Our fathers who are in the heaven and are converted holy are your name. When there is a heaven, your will it ended simultaneously with the afterlife your earth.
2. As for us because it is self-explanatory these truths it is that all person and the same which was drawn up you keep.
3. Perhaps the purpose of the mirror appearing rather than it is not close.
4. I am Elfstar and already you want. I think that we would like to be Davy.
5. Just a little, the baby. Is your sign what?
6. It had the new nation where 87 years ago, our fathers are imagined, being the same where human everyone was drawn up in this continent being free, are used exclusively in proposition.
7. It possesses the right to remain silently.
8. Someone left the cake to the rain.
I took, therefore to be long that
And never the cooking method for the second time
Being not to be in burning me, you do not think that I can take that.
Well, no!
9. So, him that the son who is born the world where it gives simply because of the God which is loved, depending upon the whosoever the life which continues eternally does not die, passes him believes, but.
10. As for me that the butter, cannot believe that it is not the goddamn liar.
--------------------
Answers
1. Our father, who is in heaven, hallowed be your name. Your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
2. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.
3. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear.
4. I don't want to be Elfstar anymore. I want to be Debbie.
5. Hey, baby. What's your sign?
6. Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.
7. You have the right to remain silent.
8. Someone left the cake out in the rain.
I don't think that I can take it
Because it took so long to bake it
And I'll never have that recipe again.
Oh, no!
9. For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believes in him shall not perish, but have everlasting life.
10. I can't believe it's not butter, you goddamn liar.
So what I've done is use Babel Fish to translate some famous quotes into Japanese, and then back into English. Or Engrish, if you will. All you have to do is figure out the original quote.
So have fun, and let the good times roll. Or as our Japanese friends might say, "When, being pleasant pass, when being good, permit the roll."
Oh, those inscrutible Asians, with their kung fu and their eggrolls and their tiger penis coffee...
--------------------
1. Our fathers who are in the heaven and are converted holy are your name. When there is a heaven, your will it ended simultaneously with the afterlife your earth.
2. As for us because it is self-explanatory these truths it is that all person and the same which was drawn up you keep.
3. Perhaps the purpose of the mirror appearing rather than it is not close.
4. I am Elfstar and already you want. I think that we would like to be Davy.
5. Just a little, the baby. Is your sign what?
6. It had the new nation where 87 years ago, our fathers are imagined, being the same where human everyone was drawn up in this continent being free, are used exclusively in proposition.
7. It possesses the right to remain silently.
8. Someone left the cake to the rain.
I took, therefore to be long that
And never the cooking method for the second time
Being not to be in burning me, you do not think that I can take that.
Well, no!
9. So, him that the son who is born the world where it gives simply because of the God which is loved, depending upon the whosoever the life which continues eternally does not die, passes him believes, but.
10. As for me that the butter, cannot believe that it is not the goddamn liar.
--------------------
Answers
1. Our father, who is in heaven, hallowed be your name. Your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
2. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.
3. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear.
4. I don't want to be Elfstar anymore. I want to be Debbie.
5. Hey, baby. What's your sign?
6. Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.
7. You have the right to remain silent.
8. Someone left the cake out in the rain.
I don't think that I can take it
Because it took so long to bake it
And I'll never have that recipe again.
Oh, no!
9. For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believes in him shall not perish, but have everlasting life.
10. I can't believe it's not butter, you goddamn liar.
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