Thursday, January 12, 2006

WTF? - Special Alps Edition

About ten years ago, my friend Sean and I went to dinner at Uncle Julio's Fine Mexican. We were sitting on the patio, drinking Dos Equis and scarfing queso, and trying to have a conversation. Which was difficult, because there were two Businessmen™ sitting at a table near us. Older guys, still in their jackets and ties, talking incredibly fucking loud about nothing of any great import.

Honestly, we had no interest in their conversation. I always get self-conscious when I'm talking to my friends and I realize some total stranger is eavesdropping. Usually, I start trying to think of even wittier things to say, because I feel like I'm being judged on my delivery and content.

One time, however, I was having lunch with a co-worker named Mike, and we realized a lady sitting at the table next to us was listening. Mike kind of cut his eyes towards her to let me know that he'd noticed. So I said, "Oh, that reminds me. How did you ever get rid of those bodies?"

Mike replied, "They were starting to stink up my truck and I couldn't get to the dump, so I finally just had to lime them and bury them in my back yard."

"I told you to put them in garbage bags."

"I did! But they still leaked."

"Well, you're not supposed to use those lame-ass kitchen bags. You have to use the heavy duty three-ply stuff. Otherwise, once they start to putrify, you're gonna get leakage."

"I'll know next time." Mike nodded, contemplating. Then added with a smile, "But man, you should see my lawn. It's really coming in nice this year."

By this point, the lady stood up and left. Rather quickly. In fact, I think she threw away her tray on her way out the door.

But I digress...

So anyway, Sean and I were really trying not to listen to the loud, obnoxious conversation of the Businessmen™. But then, one of them said something we couldn't help but overhear. Something totally inexplicable and strange. Something that has haunted me and Sean for the past decade.

He said, "The Alps? Oh, you're not going to find them on the beach. They're in Switzerland."

Sean and I just looked at each other, our puzzlement growing with each passing moment. We were so busy trying to figure out that particular statement that we didn't hear anything said afterwards.

"The Alps? Oh, you're not going to find them on the beach. They're in Switzerland."

We pondered the statement, turning it over and over in our minds like a koan, desperately trying to unlock its hidden meaning. What in the name of fresh-spanked baby Jesus could the other man have possibly said to lead to his buddy replying, "The Alps? Oh, you're not going to find them on the beach. They're in Switzerland."

I guess we'll never know.


On an unrelated (yet eerily serendipitous) note, my buddy Ix (who no longer blogs and is thus no longer linkable) and I went to Boston to visit friends back in 2001. One night, after much booze, a few of us were lying around in the hotel room watching The Big Lebowski on USA Network.

Now for those of you that haven't seen it, there's a rather famous scene where John Goodman's character is trying to intimidate someone by trashing a car and screaming. And what he screams, over and over, is "You see? This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass! THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FUCK A STRANGER IN THE ASS!"

Well, we were all eagerly waiting for that scene because we wanted to see how USA would handle it. Would they leave the scene intact, cut it entirely, bleep it out, or substitute some creative dialog?

Turns out they went with the creative dialog. And when John Goodman took an axe handle to the windshield of the car, he screamed, "You see? This is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps! THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FIND A STRANGER IN THE ALPS!"

Sigh. Good times.


Sylvana said...

I remember that USA take. SSB both burst out laughing.

Apparently when you find a stranger in teh Alps you beat the shit out of them with a blunt object.

Farrago said...

"The Alps? You won't find them on the beach. They're in Switzerland."

Hyman and Vera Alp, instead of their usual winter getaway for a week in Aruba, decided this year to see winter the way it's supposed to be seen: in Switzerland! So if you're going to Aruba next week, don't expect to find the Alps on the beach like you did last year. They went to Switzerland.



mr. schprock said...

My 5th grade teacher, whenever any of us said something nonsensical, always replied by asking, "Is it warmer in the country than it is in the summer?"

I still haven't figured that out.

Irb said...

Sylvana: "When you find a stranger in the Alps, you beat the shit out of them with a blunt object."

I'm pretty sure that's an old Swiss proverb. Of course, it sounds much better in its original German...

Farrago: You're a genius!!! Now I can sleep!!!

Sr. Schprock: I never met your 5th grade teacher, but she sounds like a really fun woman. I wouldn't be surprised if she now spends her days alone in a trailer with a few dozen cats, asking them that very same question. And snapping at invisible flies.