Tuesday, January 10, 2006

With Age Comes... Um... What Was I Saying?

Gran is my great-grandmother. Or, technically speaking, my STEP-great-grandmother. She's my grandfather's stepmother and, at 94, she's only 8 years older than him.

(Interestingly enough, 94 used to be the average age of a U.S. Senator until Strom Thurmond died and it dropped down to 57. But I digress...)

Anyway, of the six grandkids, two of us have never been married. (I mean married in general, not to each other.) And that has been a source of great concern for Gran, who is always willing to share her advice on relationships. All you have to do is ask her. Or just stand near her for a few seconds.

The following are actual conversations I've had with Gran. Read them, and bask in the wisdom of the aged.


Conversation with Gran – 1999

Gran:
You got a girlfriend yet, Chris?

Me:
No ma’am.

Gran:
How old are you?

Me:
Thirty-two.

Gran:
Well, don’t you worry, sugar. You know, I was 33 when I met your Papaw. It just takes some people longer than others, but don’t you worry. I’m sure the right person is out there for you.


Conversation with Gran – 2002

Gran:
You got a girlfriend yet, Chris?

Me:
No ma’am.

Gran:
How old are you?

Me:
Thirty-five.

Gran:
Well… do you like girls?


Conversation with Gran – 2005

Gran:
You got a girlfriend yet, Chris?

Me:
Yes ma’am. Her name is Stephanie.

Gran:
So, when are you two getting married?

Me:
We haven’t really… I mean, we’ve only been dating for a few months now.

Gran:
At your age, you need to be thinking about marriage, sugar. I mean, unless there’s something wrong with her. Is she a Christian?

Me:
Huh? Yeah, sure. Why not?

Gran:
It’s important that you both be Christians. Otherwise your marriage won’t last.

Me:
I guess that explains the high divorce rate in India.

Gran:
What?

Me:
Nothing.

5 comments:

nope said...

Truly a wonder you didn't get slapped upside your head, boy. Womminfolk that age have perfected their upside-the-head slap. Can do it in a heartbeat, you don't even know what hit ya. Then you got religion, and you ain't never seen the light of God, either. I love women that age, I swear. All the wisdom of the centuries, in one human body. You get two together and they can run the country.

Sylvana said...

My grandma and her mother lived together until Great Granma died a few years back. One of my best friends used to always beg me to take him over there because he got such a huge kick out of the way that they talked to each other-

-well, actually yelled at each other. They were both half deaf and crotchety. It was a thing of beauty and hilarity.

mr. schprock said...

Tell your grandmother my wife and I have been worshiping Satan for years and our marriage has never been stronger. Eviscerating a goat together can create such a bond.

mr. schprock said...

BTW, nobody is happier than me that you're back blogging again, Irb. I've downloaded "Verbal Reynard" and can't wait to start reading. And congratulations on your new relationship and play.

SJ said...

Ah, love with a Christian. So fucking sweet.