The Gospel According to Christopher

When my nephew Christopher was three-years-old (back in 2001), he started getting into action figures. Star Wars, superheroes, Disney characters... he loved them all! And as his occasional babysitter, I must say I was grateful. Playing with Star Wars figures was a hell of a lot more fun than playing with stuffed Elmo and those Lego blocks the size of your fist.

My mom was keeping Christopher one weekend in December, but she wanted to scoot off for a couple of hours of Keno with the ladies, so she asked me to come over and keep an eye on him. I showed up, and Christopher came bounding to the door with his hands behind his back.

"Bubba!" he exclaimed. "Guess what figures I got!"

(At this point, I should probably point out that he calls me Bubba. He does this because he heard my sister do it, and it was easier to say than "Uncle Chris." I don't mind it from either of them, but I'm glad it hasn't really caught on as a nickname. It's just too bait-shop for my tastes.)

Anyway, "Bubba! Guess what figures I got!"

I shrugged. "Um, Monsters Incorporated?"

"No, silly! Not Monsters Incorporated!" He held out his hands, in which he was clutching several plastic Nativity scene dolls. "I got Jesus figures!"

My mom chuckled and explained that he had been wanting to play with her porcelain Nativity set, so she had taken him to the dollar store and bought him a plastic set of his own. Unfortunately, the Nativity set lacked any decent villains, so he had done away with the Three Wise Men and redubbed them Judas, Herod, and Pontious Pilate.

Once mom was gone, Christopher turned to me and asked, "Bubba? Do you wanna play Jesus with me?"

So I got down in the floor and we set up the figures. Christopher then explained to me the story of what was going on.

You see, Mary and Joseph found the baby Jesus and took him back to their house where he'd be safe. But then Herod was trying to kill Jesus, so Mary and Joseph called the shepherds to babysit, and then they set out for Herod's palace.

Once there, Joseph confronted King Herod. And attacked him with a lightsaber.

Christopher reenacted the duel as he knocked the two figures against each other in mortal combat. "I'm going to kill you, Herod!" *bzzzzzt* *bzzzzzt* "No! No! Don't kill me!" *bzzzzzt* "Die, Herod!" And at this point, Joseph struck Herod with his lightsaber. And with one final *bzzzzzt*, Herod was knocked off of a cliff. And then a lion ate him.

I've got to hand it to that kid. This may very well be The Greatest Story Ever Told...