Thursday, October 14, 2004

Master Debaters - The Final Cut

Most of the online polls are showing Kerry as the winner last night, but I understand those figures might be a little skewed since many Republicans don't have access to the Internets. But Bush has said time and again that he doesn't place much stock in polls. Not that I can blame him. If I were a dumb guy who ran against the former vice-president, got fewer votes, and still won the election, I wouldn't care about polls either.

Last night's debate focused on domestic issues, which meant Bush had to find something else to steer his answers towards besides the war on terror. For some reason, he picked education. So almost every response went like this:


Mr. President, what would you say to someone in this country that
has lost his job to someone overseas?

Well, I've got the policies to create jobs and grow the economy and help
people go to community college, because education is the answer. Pell
Grants. No Child Left Behind. Education. Um, anybody want some
wood? Heh heh heh.

Mr. President, will we ever feel safe and secure again as a nation?

Well, we certainly learned a lot from 9/11. You know, like people
learn in community college, because education is the answer. Pell
Grants. No Child Left Behind. Education. Um, anybody want some
wood? Heh heh heh.

Mr. President. Do you believe in a higher power?

When I make decisions, I stand on principle... priciples... hey, high
school principals! Because education is the answer. Pell
Grants. No Child Left Behind. Education.

You still have 90 seconds, Mr. President.

Oh. Um, anybody want some wood? Heh heh heh.


As for Kerry, I have to say I was disappointed by his tepid performance. I know this is the third debate, and we're not going to hear a lot of new stuff, but Bush left himself wide open so many times, and Kerry just lobbed creampuffs at him.

But there were a few high points:

  • Kerry reminds everybody about Bush's comments regarding bin Laden, "I really don't think about him that much. I'm not concerned." Bush claims he never said it, and calls the statement "kind of one of those exaggerations." Well, funny story. He did say it, during a 2002 news conference. But of course, while the Republicans have no problem remembering how Kerry voted on a minor issue in 1993, they have utter amnesia when it comes to Bush.
  • Bush is asked about the flu vaccine shortage, and blames the contaminated supplies from Great Britain. He says we're counting on Canada to help us make up the difference. Oops!
  • Kerry busts the president on Boeing. "He discovered Boeing during the course of this campaign after I'd been talking about it for months."
  • Kerry's zinger: "Being lectured by the president on fiscal responsibility is a little bit like Tony Soprano talking to me about law and order in this country." The crowd laughs.
  • Bush's zinger: "In all due respect, I'm not so sure it's credible to quote leading news organizations about..." The sound of crickets can be heard. "Oh, never mind."
  • Bush actually brags that the borders of Texas are more secure now than they were when he was governor. Um... what?
  • Kerry announces that he is a gun owner, a hunter, and a former law-enforcement officer. What a bad ass! Kind of puts Bush's fake cowboy machismo to shame, doesn't it?
  • Kerry fumbles the ball by claiming Bush never met with the NAACP, the Black Congressional Caucus, or civil rights leaders. The Democrats hold their breath. Could Bush scoop it up and run it back for a touchdown? Bush claims, rather peevishly, that he DID meet with the Black Congressional Caucus, and then he starts talking about education again. Pell Grants. No Child Left Behind. Education. Um, anybody want some wood? Heh heh heh.
  • Bush's zinger redux: When asked what he has learned from his wife and daughters, Bush responds "To listen to them. To stand up straight and not scowl." Everyone laughs, myself included.
  • Kerry's zinger redux: On the same question, Kerry comments that he, Bush and the moderator (Bob Schieffer) are "three examples of lucky people who married up." Everyone laughs except for Bush. I guess he didn't get it. "And some would say maybe me moreso than others." More laughter. "But I can take it." Even more laughter.

So who won? Well, frankly I was quite impressed with Bush's performance last night. His arguments were well reasoned, and his logic was impeccable. For the first time ever, I understand the conservative point of view, and I actually find myself leaning in that direction. Who knows? I may even wind up voting for Bush in November!

Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Just kidding, dumbass. It was Kerry, all the way! Final score: Kerry 3, Bush 0.

If you disagree, please feel free to write me a long, rambling e-mail explaining just how much you think I suck. And for God's sake, don't waste any time on capitalization, punctuation, or spelling out long words like "you" when a single letter will work. For more helpful hints on effective correspondence, contact your local community college. Pell Grants. No Child Left Behind. Education.

Um, anybody want some wood? Heh heh heh.

7 comments:

SJ said...

I couldn't believe that Bush denied he ever said he wasn't worried any longer about Bin Laden. It's been on every news outlet in the land for the past few months, and it played a major part in the movie 'Fahrenheit 9/11' which was seen by godknowshowmany people, making hundreds of millions of dollars. You are correct, Kerry should have gone crazy when he denied it, but then again, everyone knows Bush was a HUGANTIC liar on that point. Pants on fire.

cracker said...

Enough is enough from you liberals. Please give me a couple of reasons you would even think of voting for Kerry. Reasons to vote for Bush: you pay less taxes, number of jobs increasing, inflation is low, country is safer, France is pissed at us (my personal favorite), privatize social security (I can manage my money and my retirement infinitely better than the government), and I DO NOT want to pay for anyone else's health care other than my own and my family's. Now if you'll excuse me, Jimmy Neutron or Fairly Odd Parents?

Irb said...

Fairly Odd Parents! Jimmy Neutron blows big monkey chunks!

As for the rest... while I support Kerry on his environmental and economical policies, I have to admit the biggest reason I'm voting for him is because I resent Bush's handling of things in Iraq. I hate the way Bush alienated our potential allies (yeah, I know... England and Poland, blah, blah, blah). I hate the way Bush broke his promise to the American people that he would work with the UN, that he would use diplomacy, and that he would only go to war as a last resort. I hate the fact that, as a result of his short-sightedness, our troops are stretched way too thin, and are severely underfunded and underequipped. I hate the fact that several REAL threats have become more prominent while Bush has been playing war-president in Iraq (Iran and North Korea, to name a couple). And I truly resent the fact that Bush may very well be re-elected by a group of people who are too stupid or too lazy to even make the distinction between Osama bin Laden and Suddam Hussein.

So why am I voting for Kerry? Because he has promised to steer us away from Bush's colossal cock-ups, and I believe him. Call me naive if you want, but I already know just how worthless Bush's promises are.

cracker said...

Irb, Irb, Irb, Irb, Irb...I'm sensing some anger. Do you need a hug? The UN is corrupt. Did you hear that some people at the UN (Kofi Anan) and France want to impose a world tax? As far as Iraq, everyone got the intelligence wrong, but now we are there, and after 17 resolutions... Saddam was smart enough to know that he could be protected with the help of the UN. France was never going to vote for a war in the UN secutrity Council because they were taking bribes in the Oil-for-Food scandal. North Korea was Clinton's fault (can't trust communists? I never knew...) Kerry wants to give Iran nuclear fuel! What an idiot. The terrorists were there since the late '70's. Osama wants the world to go back to the rule of a 7th century Isalm. Make no mistake, they want to kill you and me simply because we are not Muslim, and they will not stop until they are dead. We need to kill the current terrorists then stop the education of hate these Mullahs and Imams are giving the kids. With a democratic Iraq and Afganistan, the economies will turn, people will go to work rather than riot, and things will get better.

SJ said...

Cracker: "With a democratic Iraq and Afganistan, the economies will turn, people will go to work rather than riot, and things will get better."

Oh, yeah, and the same thing is happening in Russia, right? Didn't they get rid of an oppressive government to become democratic? Sure, things are just peachy and lovely over there.

Cracker: "Saddam was smart enough to know that he could be protected with the help of the UN. "

Why, then, did all higher-ups in the Bush administration say in (rare) news conferences early 2001 that Saddam was irrelevant, that 'we know he has no nuclear or biological capabilities'... next thing you know, all these same people (Cond. Rice, Ashcroft, Powell) are saying he's hiding shit, he's moving it all into another palace, China's in on it..blahdeeblah.

North Korea was NOT Clinton's fault by any stretch of the imagination. Stop listening to Sean Hannity for the love of Christ. Clinton's people had documents ready to be signed by us AND the batshit crazy guy in N. Korea, but Clinton left office. His term was up. His people told the incoming Bush people about the treaty (or whatever it was they were gonna sign) and their arrogance-filled heads said, "No, we don't want to deal with that now. We have other shit to pull." The Clinton people had to go back and explain this to the batshit crazy guy and btw, they completely don't GET our 8 years and the Prez is out system (because they are in unless they die or are killed pretty much.) Since no one, not a single person from the new Prez came to talk to them-- THAT is when North Korea walked away from all the work that Clinton, Madeline Albright and their people had been working toward for so long.

I'm voting for Kerry because my taxes did NOT go down. I got a check for $800 because I have 2 kids, but then at tax time, that $800 was deducted from anything I could claim, so what the fuck good was that $800, really? It was so Bush could tell people that he gave them $400 per child. It actually did NOTHING NADA ZERO to effect my taxes. They didn't go down. That's a load of crap to my husband and I, making far less than 200,000 or even 100,000.

# of jobs increasing? We honestly have no where to go but UP with the number that have been lost over the last 3 years.

Country is safer? Why, because no more skyscrapers have been knocked down lately? Not fucking buying it. People around the country HATE THE EVERLOVING HELL out of us now, especially the Muslims. All the Muslims. In every country in which you find Muslims. The biggest religion on the Earth--most people.

I have many other reasons why I'm voting for him now, but this reply is long enough. If you want to know them, I'll be glad to post them somewhere else.

If you're feeling anger, you are correct. Whew. Sorry to rant and run.

Irb said...

Maybe just a little bit of anger. You caught me on a bad day... Besides, I meant to ask you the same thing ;-)

I know it helps the conservatives sleep nights to imagine that America is the only bastion of goodness and righteousness left in a corrupt and wicked world. That way, they can pretend like every nation that was opposed to the war was secretly allied with Iraq and is, therefore, our enemy.

Personally, I'm tired of this lone-wolf gunslinging approach to foreign policy. Bush promises four more years of the same. Kerry promises a change. I'm voting for Kerry. You asked, I told (despite Clinton's advice to the contrary...)

I'll take that hug now, cracker!

Irb said...

I love you, SJ! And I don't care who knows it!