Monday, February 13, 2006

You Can Have My Gun When You Pry It From My Cold, Dead... OW, FUCK!!!

WASHINGTON (CNN) - Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot and wounded a campaign contributor during a weekend quail hunt on a friend's South Texas ranch, local authorities and the vice president's office said Sunday.

The recipient of Cheney's 28-gauge largesse was 78-year old Harry Whittington, who contributed to Bush's 2000 and 2004 campaigns. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the Republican contribution system, $1,000 will buy you a seat at one of the president's dinners. For $2,000, you get to personally shake the president's hand and read him a heartfelt greeting scripted by Scott McLellan. And for contributions of $3,000 or more, the vice president himself will SHOOT YOU IN THE FUCKING FACE!!!

Actually, authorities are calling the shooting an accident, since Vice President Cheney mistook the charging geriatric for one of those elusive Iraqi Al Qaeda terrorists. "As soon as I shot him, and he didn't cry out to Allah in that goddamn Moon Man language they talk in, I realized my mistake," the vice president told reporters on Sunday. He then added, "Go fuck yourself."

Some Democrats are questioning the decision of the vice president's office to wait a day before releasing any information on the shooting. "The incident happened early Saturday evening," Senator Ted Kennedy said, "and yet, we heard nothing about it until sometime late Sunday morning. There is absolutely no excuse for waiting that long before... um, I mean... er... anyone want a drink?"

Dr. Bill Frist said that Whittington was doing well and should be released from the hospital in a day or two. He also announced that Terry Schiavo was in stable condition, and he was optimistic that Coretta Scott King would be making a full recovery.

President Bush was available for comment but, as usual, the senior staff decided it would be best if he didn't speak.


Sylvana said...

Frickin hilarious!

I love the bit with Kennedy. Classic.

I heard some conservative reporters talking about this. They thought people were over-reacting, and talked about it like hunter's get shot in the face all the time by hunting buddies. What's the big deal?

mr. schprock said...

I think Cheney thought Whittington was a manimal.

Irb said...

Sylvana: The fact is, thousands of people get shot in the face every day by Democrats, but the liberal media only cares when it's a Republican doing the shooting.

Mr. Schprock: Damn, I wish I'd said that :P

There was a big story in the paper here about Cheney didn't even have a tag to hunt quail. So thank God he only shot a lawyer, otherwise he'd be in some serious trouble!!!