HIGHLAND PARK, Texas (AP) -- Police say they had no choice but to go by the book when they handcuffed a 97-year-old woman and took her to jail for failing to pay a traffic ticket.

They had no choice? I guess I can see that. You never know when an elderly woman is going to shoulder-check the arresting officer, throw him to the ground, and then escape into a nearby alley.

Hell, for all we know, she was one of those crazed, psychotic old women who was high on PCP and angel dust. I can imagine her on the ground, trussed and chained, giggling maniacally as she spit the chewed remains of the cop's ear into the dirt. Personally, I think the police showed remarkable restraint by not tasering her.

I guess it's a logical progression. Since we've run out of retarded people to execute, we've decided to refocus our energy on another group of hateful scofflaws who have long made a mockery of our swift but fair Texas justice. Nonagenarians. Or as they're known on the street, "Willard Scott's Wrinkled Posse."

Take that, old people! You don't FUCK with Texas!