Tuesday, November 29, 2005

In Defense of Tailgating

I live in the suburbs, but I commute downtown to work.

(Technically, that's not true. Thanks to some brilliant Dallas district gerrymandering in the 80s, I actually live in the city of Dallas. I just happen to live in the portion of that city that juts, penislike, into the moist, receptive loins of Carrollton. Did I mention I've been having a lot of sex lately?)

It's about a fifteen mile drive. In light traffic, I can usually make it in around 20 minutes. During rush hour, it takes approximately 17 hours, much of which is spent actually driving backwards. But I don't mind bumper-to-bumper traffic. I've made my peace with it and come to accept it as one of those inevitable hassles of daily life, much like taxes or Chinese people.

But what I hate, what cranks my Road-Rage-o-Meter™ up to 11, is when some jackass decides TODAY is the day he's going to drive in the Grown-Up lane, so he pulls his slow-ass car all the way to the left. And stays there.

So I come zipping up behind him. At first, I try to maintain a respectful distance. Unfortunately, most of these geniuses take that as a sign of my tacit approval of their speed, and so they just stay there, clogging the freeway like a piece of retarded cholesterol.

And so I move up a little closer. And the dumbass decides it's time to teach me a lesson for wanting to drive faster than him, so he slows down. I move closer, and he slows down even more. So before long, there are about three molecules of space between us and we're travelling around 4 MPH. (Which, in metric, is like 7.8 kilograms or something.)

Eventually one of two things happens. Either the dumbshit tires of the game and moves over, or I wind up blasting past him on the right. Fingers are often exchanged. Sometimes gunfire. This IS Texas, after all.

I would like to point out two things, lest you think me a total bastard. One, when somebody going faster comes up behind me, I move over and let him pass. I didn't used to, but that was back in the 80s, when I was a dumb kid. I also voted for the Elder Bush back then.

And two, I only behave like that when I'm alone. If I ever pulled that kind of shit while Stephanie was in the car with me, she'd kick my ass. And not in the good way that involves stiletto heels and a riding crop. Did I mention...

So next time you're in the left lane with a bunch of cars behind you, ask yourself the following questions.

1) Is there anybody in front of me?
2) Am I leading a funeral procession?

If your answer to both of these questions is NO, then FOR THE LOVE OF BABY JESUS, MOVE THE FUCK OVER!!!

Thank you, and good night.


nope said...



I love you.

It's all thanks to Sylvana. Tell Stephanie not to worry, Texas is too far away and besides I'd be frozen to death by the time I got enough money to leave my husband.

SJ said...

Back 2 days and already a new commenter. Damn, sex agrees with you.

Sylvana said...

Maybe it has been their life long dream to lead a parade?

I HATE those people that think they have to be your speed police and refuse to get over!! If I see someone going much faster than me coming up, I will move over if I can. I won't move over if I am pretty sure that I will be permanently pinned behind some jackass in the other lane though. In that case I speed up until I can safely get over. Don't they teach you that in driver's ed? I think that must be the day that they also teach you the proper etiquette for merging because no one seems to have a clue how to do that either!

Sylvana said...

BTW, it really nice to have you back!!

sideshow bob said...


trinamick said...

Thankfully, there's not a lot of traffic to deal with in our town, or I'm pretty sure I would be behind bars right now. But there's a little old lady who seems to think that 5 minutes before I need to be at work is the perfect time for her to go for a leisurely drive. There's always about 10 cars lined up behind her while she drives 5 mi/hr down the middle of the street.

T.L. Barker said...

Don't get me started about Houston. I think this is the only town in the country who thinks it's a good idea to shut down traffic on a major interstate highway on the weekend, let alone during the Holiday shopping season.

Erik said...

Amen reverend!

Farrago said...

First time reader of your post, linked from The Schprock Report. I wrote a similar post, one of my first ever posts, on the same topic, but I must say you pretty much nailed the topic far better than I did!

I'd much appreesh it you'd pop over for a look at my blabbering. My hit counter is up to 231 since October, and I hope to break 250 by 2007!!

Farrago said...

SHEESH! My previous comment sounded like a spammer! Seriously, I came over from Schprock. Don't hate me!

Irb said...

Ironically, I just finished a post about spammers before I came here and read this, but I swear it was just a coincidence!

I liked your post about traffic in Florida, by the way. I'd always thought retarded drivers were a problem indigenous to Texas, but I see now I was wrong. Apparently they're in ALL of the states that have elected a Bush as governor...

Farrago said...

Tee hee!