Some Rambling Movie Reviews

I’m only writing these because this is a blog, and I’m required by federal law to shove my opinions on movies I’ve seen down the throats of my three or four unsuspecting readers.

Fahrenheit 9/11
Okay, I know I’m beating a dead horse here. This nation is divided between slathering fanboys who think everything out of Michael Moore’s mouth is gospel, and brain dead Bush apologists who dismiss the entire movie as fiction.

And somewhere in the middle are the five or six of us who still occasionally like to think for ourselves. I don’t particularly agree with all of Michael Moore’s answers, but I respect him for at least asking the right questions.

There’s this asinine conservative organization called Move America Forward that seems to be threatened by the idea of discourse. I suppose it’s because some conservatives base their beliefs on blind faith rather than the facts, and they get very defensive whenever somebody challenges them. And of course, their knee-jerk reaction to Fahrenheit 9/11 was to harass and intimidate theater owners in an effort to shut the movie down. Fortunately, it seems to have backfired and actually generated tons of free publicity for Michael Moore.

Another group has decided to wade in swinging, and is producing a documentary entitled Michael Moore Hates America. Now I prefer to reserve my judgment on a film until after I’ve seen it, because I’m neither Republican nor Baptist. And I do applaud these guys for at least engaging in debate instead of trying to stifle an opposing argument.

But I’ve already got a problem with the title. It just reinforces that stereotypical conservative belief that anybody who dares to question or criticize the president must hate America. Which, as we all know, means the entire Republican party hated America between 1992 and 2000.

That said, I look forward to seeing the film. And I hope none of my terrorist-supporting, America-hating, tree-hugging, godless, gay-marrying, France-loving, drug-using, hippie liberal bastard friends try to get it banned.

Spiderman 2
I don’t want to bore you with an actual review. Go see it. It’s great. It’s a near-perfect superhero movie. The special effects are seamless. The dialog is brilliant (except for the occasional plodding soliloquy). The acting is much better than any movie about a guy in tights should be. Kirsten Dunst is astonishingly hot, and the image of her standing in a wedding dress and whispering “Go get ‘em, tiger,” should be required masturbatory material for all boys between 13 and 17. Plus, J. K. Simmons is so goddamned funny as J. Jonah Jameson that the guy needs his own movie!

Okay, review over. I only brought it up because I wanted to make a rather random comment about the film. There’s a scene early on where Dr. Otto Octavius is demonstrating the mechanical arms he uses to perform dangerous fusion-related experiments to the press. And one of the reporters actually asks, “Since the artificial intelligence of the arms is so highly developed, isn’t there a chance it could take over your mind and override your higher brain functions?”

In the real world, such a question would be answered with a perfunctory, “What are you? Retarded?” But since this is comic book land, Dr. Octavius responds to the reporter’s question as if it were a real, pertinent issue.

And this got me to thinking. How cool would it be if reporters really did ask questions like that in press conferences? I would love to see somebody from Time Magazine stand up and ask Dick Cheney, “Mr. Vice President? If Hussein really had managed to purchase yellow cake uranium from Niger, could he have possibly used its radioactive properties to create a race of mutant super soldiers?”

Of course, Cheney would tell the reporter to go fuck himself. But still, I would watch that press conference. Hell, I’d TIVO it!

Day After Tomorrow
Not the most plausible movie in the world. I didn’t bat an eye when the ice age covered the northern hemisphere in a matter of days, or when the icebergs growled and chased after people.

No, for me the scene that totally snapped my suspension of disbelief in two was when the Vice President (who looked eerily like Cheney) realized that he had doomed millions of people to death by disregarding the environmental warnings, and he offered a tearful apology. “We should have listened. *I* should have listened.”

What can I say? I started giggling.