The year is 1990, and I'm watching Hee Haw with my dad. (This is before he died, otherwise this would be one truly creepy story.)
My dad was a country-western musician and sort of swung in those Pickin' and Grinnin' social circles. He was buddies with Chet Atkins, and was acquainted with many of the beloved Hee Haw characters, such as Grandpa Jones, Minnie Pearl, Goatfuckin' Ned, Six-Toed Bessie, Cletus Q. Cousinhumper, Hillbilly Jesus, and Roy Clark. Personally, I wasn't much of a Hee Haw fan, but I did frequently ask Dad if he could introduce me to those hot girls in the straw hats and cutoffs. Unfortunately, that never seemed to pan out.
But I digress...
It's the summer of 1990, and I'm visiting my Dad in Texarkana. It's about 9:15 at night, and we're sitting in my grandmother's living room, watching Hee Haw. Or rather, he's watching Hee Haw. I'm reading Foucault's Pendulum and doing my best to ignore the hoedown.
Dad's drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon, because he likes his whiskey expensive but his beer dirt cheap. He's been putting them away since before dinner, so he's pretty buzzed when Buck Owens pops up from the corn field to announce the next performer. It's nobody I've ever heard of before, but my dad gets really excited.
"Chrisco!" he calls to me in a slurred voice.
"Yeah, Dad?"
"I want you to put that goddamn book down for a minute and listen to this next song, 'cause it's got some lyrics that will just... oooh.... tear you up!"
So being the dutiful son that I am, I put down the book and I listen. It's a typical twangy sad country song about a man who marries a woman, and the two of them have a daughter named Candy. Then the man and woman get divorced, and the woman eventually winds up engaged to another man, which means Candy is going to have a new father. And as the song reaches its emotional pinnacle, the singer pleads, "Please, don't give Candy to strangers..."
I'm about to make a sarcastic remark, but I bite it back when my father lets out an emotional sigh. "Oooh!" he exclaims, shaking his head. "Oh, man!" And then, he holds up his forearm and points to it, showing me all of the hairs standing on end.
Suddenly, I feel guilty for not being moved by the song, so I shake my head and say in a voice choked with emotion, "Wow, that's powerful."
Dad nods enthusiastically. "I know! I mean, oooh!" And he proudly displays the raised hairs on his arm again.
It's a bonding moment, and Christ knows we've had precious few of those. So I close my book, and spend the rest of the evening watching back-to-back Hee Haw episodes with him. And even though he falls asleep in his recliner before it's over, I watch all the way to the end.
I figure it's the least I can do. Right?
Sunday, November 21, 2004
Saturday, November 20, 2004
"How Can 59,054,087 People Be So Dumb?"
I guess I just haven't felt much like blogging since the election. What can I say? Slightly over half of our nation's voters put on their plastic pants and special helmets and boarded the short bus to vote George W. Bush back into office. Now, thanks to their efforts, our president is hard at work, protecting us from terrorists, moderates, and our own gayness.
On November 4th, the British tabloid Daily Mirror asked the very poignant question, "How can 59,054,087 people be so dumb?" It's a good question. Where do stupid people come from, and why are there so many of them around?
You see, back in the 1800s, when this country was young and Barbara Streisand was only in her mid-40s, times were tough for idiots. It was utterly Darwinian! The strongest and smartest managed to survive and procreate, while the morons were killed in blizzards, trampled by herds of carnivorous buffalo, or murdered and eaten by packs of wild, blood-thirsty Indians.
I'm sorry. I mean Native Americans.
Even up through the 1970s, survival required at least the occasional blip on the EEG. But then, in the 1980s, the tide somehow turned. Suddenly, stupid people became a protected species. We began inundating them with warning labels and commerical disclaimers to keep them from driving their cars through walls or heating up some Pop Tarts while they were in the bathtub.
And now, we live in a Moronic Golden Age where parents sue their TVs for telling their children to set themselves on fire. Rather than weed out the idiots, we've created an environment conducive to their survival. And unfortunately, that moron gene appears to be quite dominant, especially in the red states.
So the idiots have spoken and chosen one of their own to lead them. But I hate to come off as pessimistic. Rather than see America as slightly more than half-full of dumbasses, I prefer to see it as nearly half-full of people who aren't gun-totin', NASCAR-watchin', cousin-humpin' retards.
But you know us liberals. We're naïve to a fault!
On November 4th, the British tabloid Daily Mirror asked the very poignant question, "How can 59,054,087 people be so dumb?" It's a good question. Where do stupid people come from, and why are there so many of them around?
You see, back in the 1800s, when this country was young and Barbara Streisand was only in her mid-40s, times were tough for idiots. It was utterly Darwinian! The strongest and smartest managed to survive and procreate, while the morons were killed in blizzards, trampled by herds of carnivorous buffalo, or murdered and eaten by packs of wild, blood-thirsty Indians.
I'm sorry. I mean Native Americans.
Even up through the 1970s, survival required at least the occasional blip on the EEG. But then, in the 1980s, the tide somehow turned. Suddenly, stupid people became a protected species. We began inundating them with warning labels and commerical disclaimers to keep them from driving their cars through walls or heating up some Pop Tarts while they were in the bathtub.
And now, we live in a Moronic Golden Age where parents sue their TVs for telling their children to set themselves on fire. Rather than weed out the idiots, we've created an environment conducive to their survival. And unfortunately, that moron gene appears to be quite dominant, especially in the red states.
So the idiots have spoken and chosen one of their own to lead them. But I hate to come off as pessimistic. Rather than see America as slightly more than half-full of dumbasses, I prefer to see it as nearly half-full of people who aren't gun-totin', NASCAR-watchin', cousin-humpin' retards.
But you know us liberals. We're naïve to a fault!
It's ALMOST Like Being Published...
Some time ago, I got the following e-mail from my friend Kimmy:
TOP 10 WAYS TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR ZIPPER IS UNZIPPED:
By David Letterman ...
10. The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
7. Paging Mr. Johnson...Paging Mr. Johnson.
6. Elvis has left the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Men may be From Mars .. but I can see something that rhymes with
Venus.
And the #1 Way to tell someone their zipper is unzipped .....
1. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary"
-----------------------------
Okay, but the cool part is that this ISN'T a David Letterman Top 10 List. This is a reworked version of a list from the TopFive.com site, for which I used to be a frequent contributor. And not only did I contribute to this particular list, but the #1 entry on the reworked list ("You've got your fly set for 'Monica' instead of 'Hillary'") was MINE!!!
Check out the original list here. (And scroll down and peep my name in the credits if you think I'm frontin', dawg!)
Just wanted to share. Thanks for listening.
TOP 10 WAYS TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR ZIPPER IS UNZIPPED:
By David Letterman ...
10. The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
7. Paging Mr. Johnson...Paging Mr. Johnson.
6. Elvis has left the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Men may be From Mars .. but I can see something that rhymes with
Venus.
And the #1 Way to tell someone their zipper is unzipped .....
1. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary"
-----------------------------
Okay, but the cool part is that this ISN'T a David Letterman Top 10 List. This is a reworked version of a list from the TopFive.com site, for which I used to be a frequent contributor. And not only did I contribute to this particular list, but the #1 entry on the reworked list ("You've got your fly set for 'Monica' instead of 'Hillary'") was MINE!!!
Check out the original list here. (And scroll down and peep my name in the credits if you think I'm frontin', dawg!)
Just wanted to share. Thanks for listening.
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
Monday, November 08, 2004
The Narcissistic Superhighway
Every once in a while, I like to Google myself, despite the warnings that I'll go blind.
By far, the majority of hits on my name are sports related. I'm not a jock, you understand. It just turns out that there's some guy (or maybe several guys) named Chris Irby playing football out there. God bless them for taking up the slack.
As far as legitimate links to my name, the majority of those either stem from my online comic, or from my contributions to the Top Five list.
And then, there are some odd ones floating around out there...
- This guy obviously thought enough of something I said to include me in a list of funny quotes. I have no idea who he is, but I do enjoy basking in the appreciation of anonymous people.
- Here I am, waxing nerdy on my favorite comic book, Hellblazer.
- I have no idea what this one is, but I'm pretty sure he's not talking about me.
- And finally, here's me trolling on the X-Files newsgroup back in 1999. Actually, most everybody else thought it was pretty funny but for some reason, a girl named Jen (is not a potato) got really mad at me. Anyway, it's good to know that this stuff will still be a matter of public record long after I'm dead.
Sunday, November 07, 2004
Fuzzy Memories and Drug-Induced Flashbacks - Part I
The year is 1984, and I'm a junior in high school.
My friends are all going through that horrible Duran Duran stage, which means they're dressed in white cotton Banana Republic clothes and Panama hats. Oh, and lots of mascara. I'm the only one in the group who is tragically unhip, in my jeans and button-up shirt. With my hair parted to the side, I'm just a bow tie and a lobotomy away from being Tucker Carlson.
These are the guys I grew up with. We used to dress up in ridiculous costumes and film movies with my friend Sean's Super-8 camera. We'd spend entire weekends playing Dungeons and Dragons (until my dangerously Baptist mom and stepdad found out it was evil and put a stop to that). We'd plan all day excursions to the mall, making sure to hit the arcade and Lone Star Comics on our way to the theater. We were all content in our nerdiness.
But then, somewhere along the way, all of my friends got cool. It wasn't a gradual thing. It was like I missed a meeting, and suddenly they were all putting mousse in their hair and dressing like Simon LeBon. And they still wanted to hang out at the mall, only now they were more interested in shopping for clothes and flirting with girls.
So we're all at the Outlet Mall one Saturday afternoon. I didn't really want to come, but my friends have declared an intervention and are bound and determined to have me dressed in something paisley by the end of the day.
It's early April, and the mall is having a clearance sale on its leather jackets. So the five of us make our way to the back wall to browse. And as we're pawing our way through racks of leather merchandise, we hear an odd sound from the next aisle over.
It sounds like a cow mooing.
We stop talking and just listen. And sure enough, there it is again. Somebody's making cow noises in the leather department. How clever!
We hear it again, and we all start laughing. I make a comment, rather loudly, about how they must be making some more leather jackets up fresh. Another moo, and my friend Cary starts mooing back. Pretty soon, all of us are joining in.
All five of us are mooing rather raucously when we walk past the aisle and see the source of the sound. It's this profoundly retarded boy, about ten years old, in a wheelchair. He isn't mooing. He's simply moaning.
His parents are standing there, red-faced and angry, glaring at us as we walk past. They've been listening to us for the past five minutes, assuming we were making fun of their child. And honestly, there's not a thing any of us can say to make the situation better.
So we simply slink out without a word.
My friends are all going through that horrible Duran Duran stage, which means they're dressed in white cotton Banana Republic clothes and Panama hats. Oh, and lots of mascara. I'm the only one in the group who is tragically unhip, in my jeans and button-up shirt. With my hair parted to the side, I'm just a bow tie and a lobotomy away from being Tucker Carlson.
These are the guys I grew up with. We used to dress up in ridiculous costumes and film movies with my friend Sean's Super-8 camera. We'd spend entire weekends playing Dungeons and Dragons (until my dangerously Baptist mom and stepdad found out it was evil and put a stop to that). We'd plan all day excursions to the mall, making sure to hit the arcade and Lone Star Comics on our way to the theater. We were all content in our nerdiness.
But then, somewhere along the way, all of my friends got cool. It wasn't a gradual thing. It was like I missed a meeting, and suddenly they were all putting mousse in their hair and dressing like Simon LeBon. And they still wanted to hang out at the mall, only now they were more interested in shopping for clothes and flirting with girls.
So we're all at the Outlet Mall one Saturday afternoon. I didn't really want to come, but my friends have declared an intervention and are bound and determined to have me dressed in something paisley by the end of the day.
It's early April, and the mall is having a clearance sale on its leather jackets. So the five of us make our way to the back wall to browse. And as we're pawing our way through racks of leather merchandise, we hear an odd sound from the next aisle over.
It sounds like a cow mooing.
We stop talking and just listen. And sure enough, there it is again. Somebody's making cow noises in the leather department. How clever!
We hear it again, and we all start laughing. I make a comment, rather loudly, about how they must be making some more leather jackets up fresh. Another moo, and my friend Cary starts mooing back. Pretty soon, all of us are joining in.
All five of us are mooing rather raucously when we walk past the aisle and see the source of the sound. It's this profoundly retarded boy, about ten years old, in a wheelchair. He isn't mooing. He's simply moaning.
His parents are standing there, red-faced and angry, glaring at us as we walk past. They've been listening to us for the past five minutes, assuming we were making fun of their child. And honestly, there's not a thing any of us can say to make the situation better.
So we simply slink out without a word.
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
The Mob Has Spoken
First off, lest I be perceived as a sore loser, I'd like to congratulate the Republicans on finally getting their man Bush elected. Now that he's really the president, I'm sure he'll accomplish magnificent and heroic things.
Shudder...
Okay. That said, I have to admit this was the most fascinating election I've ever experienced. After the homogenous campaigns of 2000, it was refreshing to actually see a difference between the two sides.
(No, I'm not counting Nader. The man received no electoral votes. That's the same number as I got, and I didn't even run.)
Perhaps most interesting were the numerous and diverse reasons that people gave for supporting their candidates. The following poll will give you an idea of why people voted as they did. As always, this is entirely real. I swear. Why would I make up something like this? It would just be a colossal waste of everybody's time.
Voter Poll - Election 2004
I voted for John Kerry because:
Shudder...
Okay. That said, I have to admit this was the most fascinating election I've ever experienced. After the homogenous campaigns of 2000, it was refreshing to actually see a difference between the two sides.
(No, I'm not counting Nader. The man received no electoral votes. That's the same number as I got, and I didn't even run.)
Perhaps most interesting were the numerous and diverse reasons that people gave for supporting their candidates. The following poll will give you an idea of why people voted as they did. As always, this is entirely real. I swear. Why would I make up something like this? It would just be a colossal waste of everybody's time.
Voter Poll - Election 2004
I voted for John Kerry because:
- He's not Bush (29%)
- Anyone's better than Bush (22%)
- Bush sucks (9%)
- I hate Bush (28%)
- I didn't want Bush to win (11%)
- After studying the two candidates and carefully weighing their stands on the issues, I realized that Kerry was the better choice (1%)
- He really, really hates faggots (13%)
- Kerry somehow convinced hundreds of soldiers to participate in an elaborate hoax to con the American government out of a Purple Heart (3%)
- Kerry has aligned himself with anti-God, anti-Christian organizations in order to undermine the morality of America (4%)
- He's a good Christian man. And he hates faggots (6%)
- He lives on a farm (5%)
- His daughters are really hot (8%)
- Bush, Schmush. I was carried away on a wave of Cheney-risma! (1%)
- The Grand Imperial Wizard said it was the only way I'd ever see my kids alive again (4%)
- Jesus told me to (14%)
- It's easier than thinking (12%)
- When the rest of the world was distracted by Osama Bin Laden, Bush was determined to focus on the true enemy... Saddam Hussein (17%)
- He believes that life is sacred, at least until it leaves the womb. Once that little bastard is born, he has to take his chances along with the rest of us (9%)
- After studying the two candidates and carefully weighing their stands on the issues, I realized that Bush was the better choice. Plus, he really hates faggots (4%)
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
Oh, I get it. He was being IRONIC!
"A political candidate who jumps to conclusions without knowing the facts is not a person you want as commander-in-chief."
-George W. Bush
And who says Republicans don't have a sense of humor?
Electile Dysfunction
It's done. I waited in line for an hour and a half, and I cast my vote for Kerry. And judging from the people standing around me in Lynyrd Skynyrd t-shirts and flip flops, I'm assuming I was in the minority.
There was a couple of women standing in line behind me, describing their complete and utter disgust with Kerry. Not because he was pro-choice, or because of his position on health care or even his anti-war stance. Because those would have been actual issues, which would have gotten them thrown out of the Republican party.
No, these women were disgusted with Kerry because he wants to ban the Bible. One of the women read it in an e-mail that she received from her friend in South Carolina. And when I heard that, you can imagine just how surprised and shocked I was. Holy shit, I said to myself. She can read?
I swear, I get so embarrassed for my state sometimes. I love Texas, and I love Dallas. But I hate the way so many people here embrace ignorance as if it were some kind of virtue. It continues to amaze me how people can be so politically charged, and yet be so utterly uninformed.
When Darrell Waltrip (former NASCAR driver and media gadfly) went stumping recently, he admitted that he wasn't a big issue guy, but he was an avid supporter of Bush. When pressed for a reason, he said, "John Kerry's got a mansion in Nantucket. George Bush has a farm in Crawford, Texas. That's the difference."
I honestly didn't think it was possible to make NASCAR look any dumber.
Bush has made a political career out of pandering to the retards. They love him because he's not too bright himself, and he doesn't use a lot of big, complicated words. Plus, he's a Christian and he really hates gay people, which always seems to play well in the sticks.
Kerry, on the other hand, bores them by talking about the facts. Facts are particularly troubling to Bush's camp, because they seem to have a decidedly anti-Bush bias. It's almost as if the facts are secretly allied with the Jew-run liberal media and the French Freemasons in their nefarious scheme to undermine Bush! And we all know that political beliefs are fragile and tenuous things that can be easily shattered, which is why it's important that Bush-supporters only listen to those facts that have been "Hannitized" for their protection.
This explains why Bush's rabid fans don't just disagree with Kerry. They despise him as a person. They think he's the embodiment of evil, a vast and powerful evil that can only be combated by the righteous and holy might of George W. Bush, messiah. For these mouth-breathers, this election isn't just an exercise in democracy. It's an apocalyptic battleground where the forces of good and evil are engaged in a final war over our immortal souls.
Christ, just thinking about it makes me tired. People that retarded shouldn't get to vote, or even operate motor vehicles.
But one way or another, it'll all be over soon. America will decide which candidate they want to lead them for the next four years. And then the Supreme Court will disregard that decision and just appoint their guy. Ah, the beauty of democracy in action.
No wonder we had to kill so many Iraqis to get them on board with the idea.
There was a couple of women standing in line behind me, describing their complete and utter disgust with Kerry. Not because he was pro-choice, or because of his position on health care or even his anti-war stance. Because those would have been actual issues, which would have gotten them thrown out of the Republican party.
No, these women were disgusted with Kerry because he wants to ban the Bible. One of the women read it in an e-mail that she received from her friend in South Carolina. And when I heard that, you can imagine just how surprised and shocked I was. Holy shit, I said to myself. She can read?
I swear, I get so embarrassed for my state sometimes. I love Texas, and I love Dallas. But I hate the way so many people here embrace ignorance as if it were some kind of virtue. It continues to amaze me how people can be so politically charged, and yet be so utterly uninformed.
When Darrell Waltrip (former NASCAR driver and media gadfly) went stumping recently, he admitted that he wasn't a big issue guy, but he was an avid supporter of Bush. When pressed for a reason, he said, "John Kerry's got a mansion in Nantucket. George Bush has a farm in Crawford, Texas. That's the difference."
I honestly didn't think it was possible to make NASCAR look any dumber.
Bush has made a political career out of pandering to the retards. They love him because he's not too bright himself, and he doesn't use a lot of big, complicated words. Plus, he's a Christian and he really hates gay people, which always seems to play well in the sticks.
Kerry, on the other hand, bores them by talking about the facts. Facts are particularly troubling to Bush's camp, because they seem to have a decidedly anti-Bush bias. It's almost as if the facts are secretly allied with the Jew-run liberal media and the French Freemasons in their nefarious scheme to undermine Bush! And we all know that political beliefs are fragile and tenuous things that can be easily shattered, which is why it's important that Bush-supporters only listen to those facts that have been "Hannitized" for their protection.
This explains why Bush's rabid fans don't just disagree with Kerry. They despise him as a person. They think he's the embodiment of evil, a vast and powerful evil that can only be combated by the righteous and holy might of George W. Bush, messiah. For these mouth-breathers, this election isn't just an exercise in democracy. It's an apocalyptic battleground where the forces of good and evil are engaged in a final war over our immortal souls.
Christ, just thinking about it makes me tired. People that retarded shouldn't get to vote, or even operate motor vehicles.
But one way or another, it'll all be over soon. America will decide which candidate they want to lead them for the next four years. And then the Supreme Court will disregard that decision and just appoint their guy. Ah, the beauty of democracy in action.
No wonder we had to kill so many Iraqis to get them on board with the idea.
Thursday, October 21, 2004
The Stuff They Never Teach in Sunday School
It's true! It's biblical! And it's creepy! It's the wrath o' God!
When I was growing up, I was taught that God was a kind and loving deity (so long as you weren't gay and didn't listen to rock music). However, having actually read the Bible, I've come to realize that there wasn't a lot that was warm and fuzzy about good ol' Yahweh. In fact, He was quite cruel and vindictive, opening a can of divine whup-ass over the least little transgression.
So how well do YOU know the mind of God? Try to answer the next ten questions. And then I suggest you get your ass to church. I know where I'LL be next Sunday...
What punishment did God say is mandatory for an unruly child?
Answer: Stoning to death.
What are God's three punishments for women who wear showy jewelry and clothing?
Answer: Ugliness, misery and death.
What is God's punishment of those who overeat?
Answer: Death by plague.
What did Jesus say happens to those who have premarital sex?
Answer: They cannot enter Heaven.
What is the punishment for a single mother having a child out of wedlock?
Answer: The woman may not be punished but the child and his descendants will go straight to Hell.
What punishment did God visit on children for making fun of bald people?
Answer: He sent bears to maul the children to death.
What punishment did God promise for promiscuous women?
Answer: His followers will cut off their noses and ears, burn them in fire, take away their children and strip them naked.
What does God demand happen to those couples who have sex during the woman's time of the month?
Answer: They are to be banished from society and not permitted to interact with civilized people.
What punishment does God mandate for a man who rapes a virgin?
Answer: The rapist and his victim shall be married.
What did God do to those who failed to sell all their possessions and give every dime to Him?
Answer: Struck them dead.
When I was growing up, I was taught that God was a kind and loving deity (so long as you weren't gay and didn't listen to rock music). However, having actually read the Bible, I've come to realize that there wasn't a lot that was warm and fuzzy about good ol' Yahweh. In fact, He was quite cruel and vindictive, opening a can of divine whup-ass over the least little transgression.
So how well do YOU know the mind of God? Try to answer the next ten questions. And then I suggest you get your ass to church. I know where I'LL be next Sunday...
What punishment did God say is mandatory for an unruly child?
Answer: Stoning to death.
And they shall say unto the elders of his city, This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton, and a drunkard. And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die. (Deuteronomy 21:20-21)
For Moses said, Honour thy father and thy mother; and, Whosoever curseth father or mother, let him die the death. (Mark 7:10)
And he that smiteth his father, or his mother, shall be surely put to death. (Exodus 21:15)
And he that curseth his father, or his mother, shall surely be put to death. (Exodus 21:17)
What are God's three punishments for women who wear showy jewelry and clothing?
Answer: Ugliness, misery and death.
In that day the Lord will take away the bravery of their tinkling ornaments about their feet, and their cauls, and their round tires like the moon. The chains, and the bracelets, and the mufflers, The bonnets, and the ornaments of the legs, and the headbands, and the tablets, and the earrings, The rings, and nose jewels. The changeable suits of apparel, and the mantles, and the wimples, and the crisping pins, The glasses, and the fine linen, and the hoods, and the veils. And it shall come to pass, that instead of sweet smell there shall be stink; and instead of a girdle a rent; and instead of well set hair baldness; and instead of a stomacher a girding of sackcloth; and burning instead of beauty. Thy men shall fall by the sword, and thy might in the war. And her gates shall lament and mourn: and she being desolate shall sit upon the ground. (Isaiah 3:17-26)
What is God's punishment of those who overeat?
Answer: Death by plague.
And the people stood up all that day, and all that night, and all the next day, and they gathered the quails: he that gathered least gathered ten homers: and they spread them all abroad for themselves round about the camp. And while the flesh was yet between their teeth, ere it was chewed, the wrath of the Lord was kindled against the people, and the Lord smote the people with a very great plague. (Numbers 11:32-33)
The wrath of God came upon them, and slew the fattest of them, and smote down the chosen men of Israel. (Psalms 78:31)
What did Jesus say happens to those who have premarital sex?
Answer: They cannot enter Heaven.
Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God. (1 Corinthians 6:9-10)
What is the punishment for a single mother having a child out of wedlock?
Answer: The woman may not be punished but the child and his descendants will go straight to Hell.
A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the Lord: even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the Lord. (Deuteronomy 23:2)
What punishment did God visit on children for making fun of bald people?
Answer: He sent bears to maul the children to death.
And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the Lord. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them. (2 Kings 2:23-24)
What punishment did God promise for promiscuous women?
Answer: His followers will cut off their noses and ears, burn them in fire, take away their children and strip them naked.
And I will set my jealousy against thee, and they shall deal furiously with thee: they shall take away thy nose and thine ears; and thy remnant shall fall by the sword: they shall take thy sons and thy daughters; and thy residue shall be devoured by the fire. They shall also strip thee out of thy clothes, and take away thy fair jewels. Thus will I make thy lewdness to cease from thee, and thy whoredom brought from the land of Egypt: so that thou shalt not lift up thine eyes unto them, nor remember Egypt any more. (Ezekiel 23:25-27)
And the daughter of any priest, if she profane herself by playing the whore, she profaneth her father: she shall be burnt with fire. (Leviticus 21:9)
What does God demand happen to those couples who have sex during the woman's time of the month?
Answer: They are to be banished from society and not permitted to interact with civilized people.
And if a man shall lie with a woman having her sickness, and shall uncover her nakedness; he hath discovered her fountain, and she hath uncovered the fountain of her blood: and both of them shall be cut off from among their people.
(Leviticus 20:18)
What punishment does God mandate for a man who rapes a virgin?
Answer: The rapist and his victim shall be married.
If a man finds a damsel that is a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found; Then the man that lay with her
shall give unto the damsel's father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife; because he hath humbled her, he may not put her away all his days.
(Deuteronomy 22:28-29)
What did God do to those who failed to sell all their possessions and give every dime to Him?
Answer: Struck them dead.
But a certain man named Ananias, with Sapphira his wife, sold a possession, And kept back part of the price, his wife also being privy to it, and brought a certain part, and laid it at the apostles' feet. But Peter said, Ananias, why hath Satan filled thine heart to lie to the Holy Ghost, and to keep back part of
the price of the land? . . . And Ananias hearing these words fell down, and gave
up the ghost: and great fear came on all them that heard these things. . . .
Then fell [Sapphira] straightway at [Peter's] feet, and yielded up the ghost:
and the young men came in, and found her dead, and, carrying her forth, buried
her by her husband. (Acts 5:1-10)
Saturday, October 16, 2004
Quote of the Day
"The people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the peacemakers for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country."
-Hermann Goering, at the Nuremberg trials
Bwahahahahahahahahaha!
Can't take credit for this, but it made me giggle.
How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?
The answer is TEN:
How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?
The answer is TEN:
- One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed.
- One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs changing.
- One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb.
- One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the light bulb, or for Darkness.
- One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb.
- One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under a banner reading "Mission Accomplished!"
- One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush is literally "in the dark."
- One to viciously smear #7.
- One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along.
- And finally, one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.
The Gospel According to Christopher
When my nephew Christopher was three-years-old (back in 2001), he started getting into action figures. Star Wars, superheroes, Disney characters... he loved them all! And as his occasional babysitter, I must say I was grateful. Playing with Star Wars figures was a hell of a lot more fun than playing with stuffed Elmo and those Lego blocks the size of your fist.
My mom was keeping Christopher one weekend in December, but she wanted to scoot off for a couple of hours of Keno with the ladies, so she asked me to come over and keep an eye on him. I showed up, and Christopher came bounding to the door with his hands behind his back.
"Bubba!" he exclaimed. "Guess what figures I got!"
(At this point, I should probably point out that he calls me Bubba. He does this because he heard my sister do it, and it was easier to say than "Uncle Chris." I don't mind it from either of them, but I'm glad it hasn't really caught on as a nickname. It's just too bait-shop for my tastes.)
Anyway, "Bubba! Guess what figures I got!"
I shrugged. "Um, Monsters Incorporated?"
"No, silly! Not Monsters Incorporated!" He held out his hands, in which he was clutching several plastic Nativity scene dolls. "I got Jesus figures!"
My mom chuckled and explained that he had been wanting to play with her porcelain Nativity set, so she had taken him to the dollar store and bought him a plastic set of his own. Unfortunately, the Nativity set lacked any decent villains, so he had done away with the Three Wise Men and redubbed them Judas, Herod, and Pontious Pilate.
Once mom was gone, Christopher turned to me and asked, "Bubba? Do you wanna play Jesus with me?"
So I got down in the floor and we set up the figures. Christopher then explained to me the story of what was going on.
You see, Mary and Joseph found the baby Jesus and took him back to their house where he'd be safe. But then Herod was trying to kill Jesus, so Mary and Joseph called the shepherds to babysit, and then they set out for Herod's palace.
Once there, Joseph confronted King Herod. And attacked him with a lightsaber.
Christopher reenacted the duel as he knocked the two figures against each other in mortal combat. "I'm going to kill you, Herod!" *bzzzzzt* *bzzzzzt* "No! No! Don't kill me!" *bzzzzzt* "Die, Herod!" And at this point, Joseph struck Herod with his lightsaber. And with one final *bzzzzzt*, Herod was knocked off of a cliff. And then a lion ate him.
I've got to hand it to that kid. This may very well be The Greatest Story Ever Told...
My mom was keeping Christopher one weekend in December, but she wanted to scoot off for a couple of hours of Keno with the ladies, so she asked me to come over and keep an eye on him. I showed up, and Christopher came bounding to the door with his hands behind his back.
"Bubba!" he exclaimed. "Guess what figures I got!"
(At this point, I should probably point out that he calls me Bubba. He does this because he heard my sister do it, and it was easier to say than "Uncle Chris." I don't mind it from either of them, but I'm glad it hasn't really caught on as a nickname. It's just too bait-shop for my tastes.)
Anyway, "Bubba! Guess what figures I got!"
I shrugged. "Um, Monsters Incorporated?"
"No, silly! Not Monsters Incorporated!" He held out his hands, in which he was clutching several plastic Nativity scene dolls. "I got Jesus figures!"
My mom chuckled and explained that he had been wanting to play with her porcelain Nativity set, so she had taken him to the dollar store and bought him a plastic set of his own. Unfortunately, the Nativity set lacked any decent villains, so he had done away with the Three Wise Men and redubbed them Judas, Herod, and Pontious Pilate.
Once mom was gone, Christopher turned to me and asked, "Bubba? Do you wanna play Jesus with me?"
So I got down in the floor and we set up the figures. Christopher then explained to me the story of what was going on.
You see, Mary and Joseph found the baby Jesus and took him back to their house where he'd be safe. But then Herod was trying to kill Jesus, so Mary and Joseph called the shepherds to babysit, and then they set out for Herod's palace.
Once there, Joseph confronted King Herod. And attacked him with a lightsaber.
Christopher reenacted the duel as he knocked the two figures against each other in mortal combat. "I'm going to kill you, Herod!" *bzzzzzt* *bzzzzzt* "No! No! Don't kill me!" *bzzzzzt* "Die, Herod!" And at this point, Joseph struck Herod with his lightsaber. And with one final *bzzzzzt*, Herod was knocked off of a cliff. And then a lion ate him.
I've got to hand it to that kid. This may very well be The Greatest Story Ever Told...
Friday, October 15, 2004
Thursday, October 14, 2004
Funnier than Rush? Really?
Yes, he's a stinkin' conservative. But he's really funny, and how often does that happen? Check out cracker's blog, Uncivil Rights. And while you're there, be sure to post and explain to him the error of his misguided political ideology. He likes that.
Master Debaters - The Final Cut
Most of the online polls are showing Kerry as the winner last night, but I understand those figures might be a little skewed since many Republicans don't have access to the Internets. But Bush has said time and again that he doesn't place much stock in polls. Not that I can blame him. If I were a dumb guy who ran against the former vice-president, got fewer votes, and still won the election, I wouldn't care about polls either.
Last night's debate focused on domestic issues, which meant Bush had to find something else to steer his answers towards besides the war on terror. For some reason, he picked education. So almost every response went like this:
Last night's debate focused on domestic issues, which meant Bush had to find something else to steer his answers towards besides the war on terror. For some reason, he picked education. So almost every response went like this:
Mr. President, what would you say to someone in this country that
has lost his job to someone overseas?
Well, I've got the policies to create jobs and grow the economy and help
people go to community college, because education is the answer. Pell
Grants. No Child Left Behind. Education. Um, anybody want some
wood? Heh heh heh.
Mr. President, will we ever feel safe and secure again as a nation?
Well, we certainly learned a lot from 9/11. You know, like people
learn in community college, because education is the answer. Pell
Grants. No Child Left Behind. Education. Um, anybody want some
wood? Heh heh heh.
Mr. President. Do you believe in a higher power?
When I make decisions, I stand on principle... priciples... hey, high
school principals! Because education is the answer. Pell
Grants. No Child Left Behind. Education.
You still have 90 seconds, Mr. President.
Oh. Um, anybody want some wood? Heh heh heh.
As for Kerry, I have to say I was disappointed by his tepid performance. I know this is the third debate, and we're not going to hear a lot of new stuff, but Bush left himself wide open so many times, and Kerry just lobbed creampuffs at him.
But there were a few high points:
- Kerry reminds everybody about Bush's comments regarding bin Laden, "I really don't think about him that much. I'm not concerned." Bush claims he never said it, and calls the statement "kind of one of those exaggerations." Well, funny story. He did say it, during a 2002 news conference. But of course, while the Republicans have no problem remembering how Kerry voted on a minor issue in 1993, they have utter amnesia when it comes to Bush.
- Bush is asked about the flu vaccine shortage, and blames the contaminated supplies from Great Britain. He says we're counting on Canada to help us make up the difference. Oops!
- Kerry busts the president on Boeing. "He discovered Boeing during the course of this campaign after I'd been talking about it for months."
- Kerry's zinger: "Being lectured by the president on fiscal responsibility is a little bit like Tony Soprano talking to me about law and order in this country." The crowd laughs.
- Bush's zinger: "In all due respect, I'm not so sure it's credible to quote leading news organizations about..." The sound of crickets can be heard. "Oh, never mind."
- Bush actually brags that the borders of Texas are more secure now than they were when he was governor. Um... what?
- Kerry announces that he is a gun owner, a hunter, and a former law-enforcement officer. What a bad ass! Kind of puts Bush's fake cowboy machismo to shame, doesn't it?
- Kerry fumbles the ball by claiming Bush never met with the NAACP, the Black Congressional Caucus, or civil rights leaders. The Democrats hold their breath. Could Bush scoop it up and run it back for a touchdown? Bush claims, rather peevishly, that he DID meet with the Black Congressional Caucus, and then he starts talking about education again. Pell Grants. No Child Left Behind. Education. Um, anybody want some wood? Heh heh heh.
- Bush's zinger redux: When asked what he has learned from his wife and daughters, Bush responds "To listen to them. To stand up straight and not scowl." Everyone laughs, myself included.
- Kerry's zinger redux: On the same question, Kerry comments that he, Bush and the moderator (Bob Schieffer) are "three examples of lucky people who married up." Everyone laughs except for Bush. I guess he didn't get it. "And some would say maybe me moreso than others." More laughter. "But I can take it." Even more laughter.
So who won? Well, frankly I was quite impressed with Bush's performance last night. His arguments were well reasoned, and his logic was impeccable. For the first time ever, I understand the conservative point of view, and I actually find myself leaning in that direction. Who knows? I may even wind up voting for Bush in November!
Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Just kidding, dumbass. It was Kerry, all the way! Final score: Kerry 3, Bush 0.
If you disagree, please feel free to write me a long, rambling e-mail explaining just how much you think I suck. And for God's sake, don't waste any time on capitalization, punctuation, or spelling out long words like "you" when a single letter will work. For more helpful hints on effective correspondence, contact your local community college. Pell Grants. No Child Left Behind. Education.
Um, anybody want some wood? Heh heh heh.
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
Master Debaters - St. Louis Blues (Part 3)
Holy Christ! Aren't we done yet?
Question #17: Senator Kerry is asked to assure Pro-Life voters that their tax dollars would not support abortion. Kerry starts off by mentioning his Catholic upbringing and how much he respects the belief about life and when it begins. However, he feels it is wrong for him to legislate an article of his faith. He then wanders off into a discussion about family planning, and how it will prevent AIDS, unwanted children and unwanted pregnancies. Sort of all over the board there, Kerry.
And of course, Bush can't let it pass. He takes a shot at Kerry for his long-winded answer, then starts listing all of the Pro-Life legislation that he has signed and supported, including the ban on partial-birth abortions. He says Kerry was opposed to the ban. He also mentions parental notification laws, which Kerry voted against.
Kerry scolds Bush for once again oversimplifying, and explains that he was opposed to the partial-abortion ban because there was no exception with regards to the life or health of the mother. Kerry says he voted against parental notification laws because he doesn't want to require a girl who was raped and made pregnant by her father to have to notify her father.
Bush pretty much ignores what Kerry said and just restates that Kerry was against the ban on parital-birth abortions. And once again, he tells Kerry he can run, but he can't hide. I don't know why he keeps saying this. Maybe he's picking up an old John Wayne movie on his hidden earpiece.
Question #18: President Bush is asked to give three instances when he made a wrong decision, and explain what he did to correct it. And Bush totally evades the question by claiming he makes decisions that are unpopular, but not necessarily wrong. He then goes into his usual diatribe defending his decision to go into Iraq and his tax cut. He does admit he made some mistakes in appointing people, but he doesn't want to hurt their feelings by naming them.
Kerry goes for the throat and starts ticking off the president's mistakes with regard to Iraq. We didn't build a global coaltion. We didn't give the inspectors time to finish their job. We didn't go through the UN process. We didn't use war as a last resort. We rushed into war without a plan to win the peace. We didn't guard 850,000 tons of ammo, which is now being used against us. We didn't give our soldiers the armor they required.
Bush lashes out at Kerry for voting against the $87 billion supplemental he sent to congress, claiming that's why the soldiers are so inadequately equipped. He insists that Saddam Hussein was a risk to our country.
And Kerry once again explains that he voted against Bush's proposal because it was financially irresponsible. He wanted Bush to pay for the supplemental by repealing his tax cut, so the burden wouldn't be passed on to the next generation. Plus, he didn't want to create a slush fund for Halliburton. Not that anything he says matters. Apparently the Republicans quit listening when Bush stops talking.
Closing Statements: Kerry outlines his plans to basically fix everything Bush fucked up so that America will be safer and stronger.
Bush brags about farm income and house ownership during his term, reminds everybody that we're at war and somehow his three days of active service in the National Guard make him uniquely qualified to lead us. He mentions 9/11 and weapons of mass destruction a few times, then a whole bunch of stuff about freedom and liberty. Then he closes by asking if anybody wants any wood. (Not really.)
------------------------------
If you've read this far, you may have noticed a slight bias in my writing. What can I say? I'm a Kerry supporter. So by the power vested in me by the Vic Tayback Fan Club (Local #1832) and the Universal Life Church in Modesto, California, I do hereby proclaim John Kerry the winner of the second debate! And there's nothing you can do about it, you whiny little bitch, so just buck up and wipe your nose! Muahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
For those scoring at home, it's currently Kerry 2, Bush 0. If you disagree, please feel free to contact me on the Internets and let me know.
Question #17: Senator Kerry is asked to assure Pro-Life voters that their tax dollars would not support abortion. Kerry starts off by mentioning his Catholic upbringing and how much he respects the belief about life and when it begins. However, he feels it is wrong for him to legislate an article of his faith. He then wanders off into a discussion about family planning, and how it will prevent AIDS, unwanted children and unwanted pregnancies. Sort of all over the board there, Kerry.
And of course, Bush can't let it pass. He takes a shot at Kerry for his long-winded answer, then starts listing all of the Pro-Life legislation that he has signed and supported, including the ban on partial-birth abortions. He says Kerry was opposed to the ban. He also mentions parental notification laws, which Kerry voted against.
Kerry scolds Bush for once again oversimplifying, and explains that he was opposed to the partial-abortion ban because there was no exception with regards to the life or health of the mother. Kerry says he voted against parental notification laws because he doesn't want to require a girl who was raped and made pregnant by her father to have to notify her father.
Bush pretty much ignores what Kerry said and just restates that Kerry was against the ban on parital-birth abortions. And once again, he tells Kerry he can run, but he can't hide. I don't know why he keeps saying this. Maybe he's picking up an old John Wayne movie on his hidden earpiece.
Question #18: President Bush is asked to give three instances when he made a wrong decision, and explain what he did to correct it. And Bush totally evades the question by claiming he makes decisions that are unpopular, but not necessarily wrong. He then goes into his usual diatribe defending his decision to go into Iraq and his tax cut. He does admit he made some mistakes in appointing people, but he doesn't want to hurt their feelings by naming them.
Kerry goes for the throat and starts ticking off the president's mistakes with regard to Iraq. We didn't build a global coaltion. We didn't give the inspectors time to finish their job. We didn't go through the UN process. We didn't use war as a last resort. We rushed into war without a plan to win the peace. We didn't guard 850,000 tons of ammo, which is now being used against us. We didn't give our soldiers the armor they required.
Bush lashes out at Kerry for voting against the $87 billion supplemental he sent to congress, claiming that's why the soldiers are so inadequately equipped. He insists that Saddam Hussein was a risk to our country.
And Kerry once again explains that he voted against Bush's proposal because it was financially irresponsible. He wanted Bush to pay for the supplemental by repealing his tax cut, so the burden wouldn't be passed on to the next generation. Plus, he didn't want to create a slush fund for Halliburton. Not that anything he says matters. Apparently the Republicans quit listening when Bush stops talking.
Closing Statements: Kerry outlines his plans to basically fix everything Bush fucked up so that America will be safer and stronger.
Bush brags about farm income and house ownership during his term, reminds everybody that we're at war and somehow his three days of active service in the National Guard make him uniquely qualified to lead us. He mentions 9/11 and weapons of mass destruction a few times, then a whole bunch of stuff about freedom and liberty. Then he closes by asking if anybody wants any wood. (Not really.)
------------------------------
If you've read this far, you may have noticed a slight bias in my writing. What can I say? I'm a Kerry supporter. So by the power vested in me by the Vic Tayback Fan Club (Local #1832) and the Universal Life Church in Modesto, California, I do hereby proclaim John Kerry the winner of the second debate! And there's nothing you can do about it, you whiny little bitch, so just buck up and wipe your nose! Muahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
For those scoring at home, it's currently Kerry 2, Bush 0. If you disagree, please feel free to contact me on the Internets and let me know.
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