Master Debaters - "Here Is Your Ass, Mr. President."

There seems to be a bit of division regarding the outcome of last night's debate. On one side, you've got the people who think Kerry was the clear winner. On the other side, you've got Karl Rove.

Okay, just kidding. Most Democrats are calling Kerry the victor. What's sort of ironic is that most Republicans, ever defiant, are calling last night's debate a tie. After all, Kerry did score high points for being poised, prepared, and concise (by Kerry standards). But Bush managed to make it through the evening without soiling himself, and his supporters strongly feel that should be worth a point or two.

Oh, and then you've got that tiny bunch of conservative zealots who still maintain that Bush trounced Kerry, which just goes to show you how powerful blind faith and denial can be. But you can't blame these people for supporting Bush. After all, they live in a world where America is safer, the economy is getting better, and homeless people are actually piñatas filled with tasty candy. Hell, if I lived there, I'd be all for Bush too!

You've just got to love how hard Bush's posse is working to spin last night's performance into some kind of victory. Karl Rove claims it was Bush's best debate ever, and Kerry's worst. He also claims that Bush's long, painful pauses were simply "pauses for effect." Well, if he was going for the effect of a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming car, then MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

So for those scoring at home, it's currently Kerry 1, Bush 0. With a +/-1 margin of error, I suppose.

Bush vs. SATAN!!!!!

So my grandfather forwarded me yet another retarded e-mail. This one pretended like it was simply explaining where Kerry and Bush stood on the issues, but it quickly devolved into some kind of horrible Jack Chick rant about how Bush and the Republicans are bravely standing against the Satanic forces that are seeking to lay our nation low.

And no, they weren't talking about the terrorists.

Here is the e-mail, along with my pointless comments (in italics). Read on, and be swept away on a sea of fundamentalist bullshit!



2004 Election Voter Guide
Depending on the way you lean, the following information could have bearing on decisions you make November 2004.

Issues of Importance?

Gay Marriage

• President Bush is opposed
• John Kerry favors

John Kerry favors leaving it up to the states to decide. As does Dick Cheney. As did George W. Bush back when he was campaigning in 2000. However, he has since flip-flopped... I mean, changed his mind and decided to support a Constitutional amendment instead.

Partial-Birth Abortion

• President Bush is opposed
• John Kerry favors

Oops, looks like they messed up and accidentally included an actual issue. John Kerry is pro-choice. George W. Bush isn't. By all means, consider that when you make your decision in November.

Restoring voluntary prayer in the public schools

• President Bush Favors
• John Kerry is Opposed

Okay, folks. One more time. Voluntary prayer was not banned from schools. What the Supreme Court ruled against was school-sponsored (or involuntary) prayer. You see, public schools are funded by tax money. And, funny story, it turns out that it isn't just Christians that pay taxes. Since it seemed a bit unfair to force Muslim and Hindu children to pray to the baby Jesus, the Supreme Court was left with a difficult choice. So rather than include prayers to every conceivable deity that might possibly be worshipped, they decided to just do away with school-sanctioned prayers. Darn that pesky First Amendment, anyway!

Assault on Mel Gibson for making film about Christ

• President Bush supports Gibson
• John Kerry participated in Left's assault on Gibson, suggesting possible anti-Semitism even though Kerry had not seen the film.

That would really be horrible if it were true, because we all know how opposed Christians and/or conservatives are to protesting movies they've never seen. Hell, I understand many of them actually sat through Farenheit 9/11 3 or 4 times so they could formulate intelligent rebuttals to Moore's charges.

To tell you the truth, I couldn't remember Kerry ever speaking out against the film, so I did a Google search on "kerry gibson passion christ." This search turned up hundreds of conservatives railing against Kerry for attacking the movie, but none of them could be bothered to cite any specifics.

After digging around, I did manage to turn up one comment from Kerry about The Passion of the Christ: "I am concerned [about anti-Semitism]. I don't know if it's [in the film] or not, but there's a lot of it around now. We have to be careful."

Wow. Way to push your liberal agenda there, Kerry!

Assault on boy Scouts for belief in God and not allowing Homosexual Scout Leaders

• President Bush supports Boy Scouts' stand
• John Kerry opposes boy Scouts' stand

Now here's a hard-hitting issue that should be a deciding factor in the upcoming election. Who cares about all that boring shit about the economy, the environment, or the war in Iraq?

Notice how the issue isn't whether or not the Boy Scouts should be allowed to ban homosexuals. No, the issue as stated is whether or not the president should support the Boy Scouts' stand against being assaulted for banning homosexuals.

The fact that anybody considers this an issue makes me incredibly sad.

Asking for God's blessing on America

• President Bush often asks God to bless America in his speeches
• John Kerry attacks Bush for mentioning God so often

Actually, John Kerry has attacked Bush for claiming that God was on our side in our war against Iraq, or for claiming time and again that we're doing God's work in our war on terror. Or for referring to our campaign in the Middle-East as a "crusade."

Because, you know. If the other nations thought we were conducting our war for religious reasons, they might get the wrong idea about us. After all, don't we have a name for zealots who kill in the name of their god? We call them "terrorists."

Damn that First Amendment! Why won't it just go away?

Judges

• President bush says "We need common-sense judges who believe our rights are derived from God."
• John Kerry insists on judges who support the ACLU's radical anti-Christian, anti-God, anti-family agenda. John Kerry is insistent on blocking President Bush's federal judge appointments.

God, there is so much sheer stupidity in this "issue" that I don't even know where to start! In the first place, we get that tired conservative refrain of "Bush is a good and holy man, and Kerry is a minion of his nefarious Satanic overlords." If you honestly believe this, then you are too fucking stupid to vote.

In the second place, I know there's a lot of bad blood between the conservatives and the ACLU, and I can understand why. Those pesky civil liberties are constantly getting in the way of the conservatives' attempts to, say, ban homosexuals from the Boy Scouts. But the ACLU aren't the bad guys, no matter how much the conservatives pretend otherwise.

And in the third place, "John Kerry is insistent on blocking President Bush's federal judge appointments." Really? Imagine the nerve of that bastard! Not only that, he chose a Democratic running mate! AND HE'S LIBERAL! HOLY SHIT! WHEN DID THIS BECOME A TWO PARTY SYSTEM?

Overall Record

• President Bush does not vote on issues before Congress but, based on his publicly stated positions, would receive an 85% conservative rating from the American Conservative Union if he did.
• John Kerry, according to the highly respected, politically-neutralNational Journal rates Kerry the most liberal U. S. Senator in 2003 --more liberal than Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton.

I know most conservatives can't remember more than three days into the past, because otherwise they'd actually hold Bush accountable for some of the things he's said and done. But I can personally remember a time when "liberal" wasn't an insult. In fact, I can actually remember when "liberal," "Democrat," and "evil" were three separate words! But in the current conservative lexicon, they're used interchangeably.


With help from you and many others, we aim to distribute 25,000,000 of these Voter Guides in churches and mailboxes to Christian voters across America.

Oh no! This could cost Kerry the coveted fundamentalist Christian vote in all of the red states! His dark satanic masters will be displeased!

If you agree, please pass this on
If you disagree, please delete this

Personally, I love this because it perfectly embodies the spirit of conservative political discourse. If you agree with us, tell everybody! If you don't, then just keep your goddamn mouth shut.

----------

So the election in November will not be decided by people voting on the issues, but by a bunch of morons who view it as an apocalyptic battle between good and evil. People who are too lazy or too stupid to bother with the facts will cast their vote for Bush because they think he's some kind of messiah sent to deliver us from the evil Democrats.

Oh, what the hell. I guess it's easier than thinking.

The Next Thing You Know...

"If we legalize gay marriage, then the next thing you know they'll want to start marrying goats."

I swear, I've heard this argument at least 17,000,000 times since Bush decided gay bashing should be a function of the federal government. Same-sex marriage is apparently the first step on a slipperly slope that will inevitably lead to some hot man-on-goat action. Which will of course lead to same-sex man-on-goat action. Oh, is there no end to the depravity?

Actually, this isn't the first pre-emptive strike against human/goat marriages. At one time, interfaith marriages were considered taboo because the Bible says, "Verily the intermingling of the faiths shall lead to copulation with the beasts of the field, and the man shall lay with the goat." I think it's in Deuteronomy somewhere.

Later, there was a lot of outcry against interracial marriages because of the old saying, "Once you've had black, you'll marry a yak." But the impassioned protests of the conservative groups (or "klaverns") went unheeded and another important roadblock in the path to wonton bestiality was removed.

So now, the ban on same-sex marriage is the only dam of decency that stands between us and a nightmarish, Orwellian future of endless goat orgies. If that barrier comes down, America will be lost in a flood of farm animal nuptials.

Or something like that. To tell you the truth, I sort of quit paying attention as soon as they said the word "goat."

If the homophobes can manage to scrape up a moderately intelligent person from their ranks, they might want to consider letting that person speak for them from now on. Seriously. The retards they've got pleading their case right now aren't doing them any good.

And if you're reading this and saying to yourself, "I don't know what most of them big words mean, but I do know I really hate them faggots," then all I can say is THANK YOU FOR VISITING MY BLOG, MR. PRESIDENT!

New Blog Title

Well, it's been Chris Irby's Generic Blog since April. It seemed kind of funny at the time, but it's become a bit of a yawn. So I decided to try something new. Something hip and edgy, that the kids today would find "groovy" and "way out." Damn kids, with their big pants and their "rock and roll" and their Dr. Pepper-flavored lip gloss...

Some other titles I considered:

• Leper Fest!
• The Hot Wet Spanking Nurses Page
• Wiener Dogs Gone Wild!
• Chicken Soup for the Damned Soul
• Bonsai Babies
• Oops, I Crapped My Pants Again
• "The Power of Chris Compels You!"
• Aspartame and Old Lace
• Click... Click... Click... BANG!
• I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, You Goddamn Liar!
• Kierkegaard vs. Heidegger: Existential Smackdown!
• WTFWJD?

Personally, I can't wait to see what kind of Google searches I turn up on now!

More Vegas Pics

Sean and Laura at the House of Blues.

Wait! This isn't Blue Man Group!

The acid kicked in. Oooooh shiiiiiiit!!!!!

The borg is holding Laura's bat. She can be very persuasive.

It's me and Laura! Um, and the bat!

Come and knock on our doooooor...

NO! FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST, NOOOOO!!!

Finally. A reason to get out of bed on Sunday mornings.

Ah, Laura. Mi amora.

Nice rack!

I pose outside the Liberace Museum, where I was mauled and stripped by a bunch of old people.

The ceiling of the Liberace Museum. You know, where I was mauled and stripped by a bunch of old people.

Hello, sailor.

Touched by an Angel... IN MY PANTS!!!

I blame myself, mostly. After all, I was the one that taught my grandfather how to use the "Forward" button on his e-mail. And now I'm paying the price as he floods my inbox with every stupid fucking urban legend that has EVER been circulated.

The most recent one was a plea for all Christians to unite together and fight against Madalyn Murray O'Hair and her atheist organization, because they were petitioning the FCC to pass RM-2493, which would ban all religious broadcasting on TV and radio. The first casualty of this holy media war was Touched by an Angel, which CBS was forced to cancel because they said "God" on the air.

Holy crap! How can you possibly pack so much retardation into a single e-mail without it collapsing in on itself?

My grandfather and his friends seemed really upset that the minions of Satan were now resorting to more bureaucratic methods to enforce the nefarious will of their evil overlord. So I thought I would do the decent thing and set them straight.

I replied back and informed everybody of the following (in a much nicer way):

1. Madalyn Murray O'Hair has been dead for several years and, thus, not terribly active in Washington D. C.
2. RM-2493 had nothing to do with the banning of religious broadcasting. It was intended to prevent religious organizations from purchasing licenses to broadcast on channels reserved for educational programming.
3. RM-2493 was proposed in 1974, and was turned down in 1975. (Let me say that again for any mentally challenged people or Touched by an Angel fans that might be reading. RM-2493 was denied by the FCC almost THIRTY GODDAMN YEARS AGO!!!)
4. Touched by an Angel was cancelled due to low ratings, not because they said "God" on the air. CBS is currently airing the show Joan of Arcadia, which not only mentions "God," but features Him as a prominent character.

I really thought it would set everyone's mind at ease to find out that Madalyn Murray O'Hair's zombie wasn't concocting some mad plan to get Jesus kicked off the air waves. But nooooooooooooooooo!!! I received an angry response, accusing me of mocking an issue that many Christians take very seriously.

Imagine. We live in a nation that is predominantly Christian. We have a president who is not only open about his Christianity, he lets it inform his policies from gay marriage to our involvement in the Middle East. One of the top grossing films this year was a reverent portrayal of Christ's last days.

And yet, it seems a lot of Christians just aren't happy unless they can pretend like they're being persecuted. So I guess they're eager to cling to any story that fulfills that fantasy, even if it is complete and utter bullshit.

It's just more fun that way.

I think the problem with government by the people for the people is that most people are too lazy or too stupid to get the facts for themselves.

The truth is a complicated and messy proposition, something most people can't be bothered to understand. They'd rather live in a streamlined universe, where political parties embody good and evil and where candidates are either blameless and holy, or utterly wicked and depraved.

"Oh, I don't want to listen to a long, boring Kerry speech. I'll just wait and let Bush's campaign team summarize it for me. I'm sure they'll give me a fair and unbiased interpretation, because why would they lie?"

It's a dead giveaway when the people who utterly despise Kerry can't think of any specific examples to back up their irrational hatred. Instead, they just trot out the same tired old Republican spin about how Kerry wanted to go to war but changed his mind, or how he apparently involved hundreds of people in a massive conspiracy to defraud the U.S. into awarding him a Purple Heart.

Kerry's supporters aren't blameless in this, either. I swear, if I hear one more person tell me they're voting for Kerry because "anybody's better than Bush," I'm going to shit kittens.

Here's a great example of what I'm whining about.

Kerry and the rest of the Democrats voted to give George W. Bush the authority to declare war on Iraq. They did so to strengthen the president's bargaining position, and they claim they had no idea Bush was going to use his newfound power so irresponsibly. After all, Bush had promised to exhaust all other channels (including diplomacy) before going to war. He'd also promised that he would not move against Iraq without UN support. But once he got the go-ahead, both of those promises fell by the wayside.

Were they really naive enough to believe that Bush would try to avoid war? I doubt it. After all, I don't think any of the rest of us were fooled. For all of Bush's posturing about diplomacy and UN support, we KNEW war was inevitable.

The fact is, the Democrats voted to support Bush, knowing full well what he would do. They did so because, at the time, disagreeing with Bush was tantamount to admitting that you were a terrorist. And it's only now that it's publically acceptable to disagree with our actions in Iraq that they're speaking out and claiming that they were duped.

Democrats are good, but naive. Republicans are evil, manipulative monsters. That's certainly easier to grasp than the truth, right?

Meanwhile, the Republicans were working overtime to put their own spin on events. Kerry had been very outspoken about Bush's mishandling of the war in Iraq. In fact, like the rest of the Democrats, he still claimed that he was utterly taken in by Bush's promises to look for a peaceful solution.

So a few months ago, Bush asked Kerry if he would have still voted the same way if he'd known they weren't going to find any WMDs in Iraq. It was a lose/lose situation for Kerry. If he said no, the Republicans would have peed all over themselves in their zeal to accuse him of flip-flopping. And if he said yes, they'd be able to distort that into proof that Kerry had supported invading Iraq.

Kerry gave one of his typically long-winded and complicated answers. Yes, he would have voted to give the president the authority to declare war, because he felt the president should have a strong bargaining position when negotiating with Iraq. However, he made it clear that he still felt Bush had totally abused the power given him and had utterly botched things in Iraq.

No doubt he thought he could avoid the trap laid for him by simply telling the truth. But unfortunately, the truth was too complicated for everyone, so the Republicans set to work massaging the facts to suit their own needs. They portrayed Kerry and the rest of those speaking out against the war as weak and evil hypocrites working to undermine the president's noble efforts to defend our nation. Since most of Bush's supporters already believed that anyway, it was a pretty easy sell.

I'm sure this rant will fall on deaf ears, because most people have made up their minds and they're not going to let anything as trivial as the facts sway them from their myopic world view. But is it too much to ask that people make up their own minds about something, instead of simply voting against a candidate because somebody else told them to?

Yeah. Probably so.

The REAL Reason...

10 Things That Annoy Me

Okay, if there's one thing I hate doing, it's inflicting my opinions on other people.

No, wait. Not hate. What's the word I'm thinking of... Enjoy! That's the one!

If there's one thing I enjoy doing, it's inflicting my opinions on other people. And so, I have been inspired by my new friend and blog diva SJ (Give me the Booger) to compile my own list of things that, if you will pardon my French, pisse me off!

So here it is, in no particular order. My list of things that annoy me. Bask in the pettiness.

1. Reality show contestants who take themselves WAY too seriously. You know, these type A personalities who get on camera and brag about how they're going to scheme and connive and manipulate and do whatever it takes to win, like they're some kind of ruthless super villain? They indulge in some kind of half-assed passive-aggressive behavoir against the other contestants, and then they spend 15-20 minutes informing the television audience that it was all a part of their sinister master plan. Um, okay. Thank you, Machiavellian K-Mart cashier.

2. People with no sense of humor who try to be funny. Some of you are reading this right now and you're thinking to yourselves, "Yeah! Like you! Hahahahaha!" Well, that's exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about. Stop doing that. It's sad.

3. "Anyone's better than Bush." or "I don't agree with Bush, but he's still better than Kerry." Seriously. These two refrains are getting tired. If you can't be bothered to figure out WHY you're voting for someone, then fine. Just quit telling me about it.

4. Fragile healthy people. You know, the ones that are always obsessing about their carb/protein ratio or how much potassium they've had that day. The ones that take a sip of diet soda and then have to spend three days recovering because of the caffeine and aspartame. The ones that get physically ill if they smell a Big Mac. If you're that delicate, then I think your problem goes beyond diet. It's plastic bubble time.

5. People who express their dislike of certain musical genres by making up stupid examples.

• I hate rock music because it's all just, "Oh I do drugs and have lots of sex, yeah, yeah, yeah!"
• Country music is so stupid, because it's all just, "Oh I got drunk and married my cousin and then drove my pickup truck."
• Why do people listen to rap music, when all they do is just, "I'm gonna kill me a cop and get me a ho! Wacka wacka wacka."

6. Girls Gone Wild commercials. Holy Christ, those poor girls must hate their fathers! What could be more exciting that watching dozens of drunk and barely conscious women expose their breasts in an awkward and embarrasing striptease? Only the "comedy" of retarded host Doug Stanhope. "Show us where babies feed! It's natural!" These ads make me equally ashamed of both genders.

7. Patricia Cornwell. In case you don't know, Patricia Cornwell is the author of approximately 30,000,000 murder mysteries. When she finally realized that her talents were being wasted in fiction, she decided to turn her considerable intellect towards solving real crimes. One example is when Patricia Cornwell solved the Jack the Ripper murders. Another example is when Patricia Cornwell investigated the mysteries behind Lady Di's death. Yet another example is SHUT THE FUCK UP, PATRICIA CORNWELL!

8. People who view ignorance as a virtue. "We don't cotton to no high-falootin' booklearnin' in these parts!" Education should not automatically be considered grounds for suspicion, but Bush has built the bulk of his campaign on being a plain-spoken good ol' boy. The fact is, he went to Yale and Harvard but he tends to downplay that as much as possible. I'm sure Yale and Harvard are grateful.

9. Contemporary Christian music commercials. I'm always seeing these things late at night, when I'm watching Adult Swim on Cartoon Network. It isn't so much the banal music that disturbs me as it is the hordes of young, white people in the audience, their eyes closed and their hands raised in raptured bliss as they sing along. For some reason, it's how I always imagined Jonestown.

Besides, I don't understand why people like listening to contemporary Christian music when it's all just, "Oh God is awesome, blah, blah, praise Jesus dude!"

10. Furries. I swear, I was a lot happier before I found out these people existed. That's the beauty of the Internet, I suppose. I could post a message asking for pictures of retarded children in clown suits, and within ten minutes I'd hear from 30 other people that shared my fetish. So now that the furries have found each other, it's no longer a case of one disturbed individual masturbating to Bugs Bunny cartoons. It's hundreds and hundreds of people in animal costumes, raving and petting and... and... ick!

Okay, I'm done. Thanks for listening. As always, you've been very therapeutic.

Vegas Pics

Sean and I pose with the future Mrs. Irby.

Laura talks a French guy into holding her bat.

Thank ya. Thank ya very much.

I lost over 9,000 pounds by eating at Subway!

I Wish My Brother George Was Here...

On Thursday morning of our Vegas trip, Laura wisely decided to abandon us menfolk for a trip to the spa. Sean and I found ourselves with a couple of hours to kill, so we decided to check out the Liberace Museum.

I must say that, for $10, the Liberace Museum is about the most fun you can have in Vegas that doesn't involve "full-release." It's cheesy as hell, but the people are very nice and HOLY CRAP, DO THEY LOVE THEIR LIBERACE!!!

I should mention that we had originally intended on visiting the Elvis Museum as well. Unfortunately, it was closed on Thursday and Friday. But in preparation for that great pilgrimage, I was dressed in this truly cool-ass Elvis shirt that I bought at Graceland a couple of years ago.

My cool-ass Elvis shirt.

So anyway, we wandered through the exhibits and viewed Liberace's pianos and cars and costumes. Liberace's fans like to make a big deal about the 1983 palimony suit, in which his true sexuality was finally made public. But Jesus, the man pranced around on stage in star-spangled short-shorts and a feathered cape in the 1960s! His fans must have been going through some serious denial, because anyone with half a brain could see that Liberace was gayer than two men having sex.

But I digress...

After the exhibits, Sean and I wandered through the gift shop. They wouldn't let us take pictures inside the museum, so we were digging through the postcards when I heard a whispered conversation behind me.

The cashier and a small, flashy man were looking at me and pointing. When they saw me looking, they smiled and waved. I went back to browsing, but soon those two were joined by two or three other ladies who worked as tour guides in the museum.

I carried my postcards up to the counter, and the man told me that he just LOOOOOVED my shirt, and he just had to know where I'd gotten it! I told him it was from Graceland, and he and the ladies began murmuring amongst themselves quite excitedly. He said, "You guys should get some shirts like this made up for the museum. I bet they would sell."

As I was paying for my postcards, I felt a hand on my collar. It was one of the ladies, trying to look at the tag of my shirt. As she struggled with that, the man asked me, "Do you know who made it?" I said I wasn't sure, but I could check.

I felt another hand on my shoulders as another lady tried to push me down so they could get a better look. Another hand tugged my sleeve. And the man said, "Oh, he can go ahead and take it off. He's got a t-shirt on underneath it." AND HE REACHED OVER AND STARTED UNBUTTONING MY SHIRT!!!

"No, I got it," one of the old ladies chirped right in my ear. She yanked down on my collar and I wound up crouching while the three of them peered down the back of my neck.

While this was going on, Sean just watched, amused. He fumbled for his camera, but couldn't get to it in time to capture what he referred to as "the look of utter shock and horror" on my face.

Once the women determined that the shirt was made in Taiwan, most of them went back to work. The cashier called us a cab, and the man continued to hang around us, asking us all kinds of questions about Liberace. "How long have you been listening to him? Did you ever see him live? Do you remember where you were when he died?" I didn't really have the heart to tell him we'd come to the museum as a joke, so I told him we had only recently come to appreciate the man's talent, etc.

Sean also took that opportunity to mention his wife Laura approximately 8,544 times, just so the man wouldn't get the wrong idea about us. What's really scary is, I don't think that guy actually worked there. I think he just hung around the museum. A lot.

So if you find yourself in Vegas with a little cash and few hours to spare, be sure to check out the Liberace Museum. Here are a few tips to make your visit more enjoyable:

1. Show your cab receipt to the cashier to get $2.00 off the price of admission.
2. Try to schedule your visit around 1:00 so you can catch the Liberace impersonator.
3. If you're going to visit the gift shop afterwards, FOR GOD'S SAKE DRESS IN LAYERS!!!

Vegas, Baby!

I just rolled in from Las Vegas, and boy are my balls swollen!

Bada bing! Thank you, ladies and gentlemen! I'll be here all week! Try the veal!

What can I say? I just spent the week in Vegas with my dear friends Sean and Laura Freeman. I gambled and won a bunch of loot, but blew it all on expensive dinners, prostitutes, cool shirts, and an afternoon of uber-geekiness at the Star Trek Experience. I saw Blue Man Group, ate my weight in buffet prime rib at the Paris, and somehow managed to talk Laura into riding the roller coaster at New York, New York with me. God bless her.

I was also mobbed by a bunch of people at the Liberace Museum who tried to rip my shirt off. Seriously. More on that later, I promise.

Anyway, I'm seriously wiped. Goodnight, you swingin' hepcats. I'll catch you on the flip flop. Straight from the fridge, daddio.

Fun with Jack Chick #2

Fun with Jack Chick #1

With Great Power Comes Blah, Blah, Blah

Sigh... I was all set to make a mean joke here about how Zell Miller had sold out faster than flammable lawn crosses at the RNC, but it seems I can't do stuff like that anymore.

Turns out people are actually READING this goddamn thing. And I've got one guy who, for some reason, has made it his mission to elevate the level of discourse in my rhetoric. Which is ironic if you check out his blog. It's sort of like Siegfried calling Roy a fag.

But now I can't just take cheap shots anymore, because I'll be called to task for not getting my facts straight. For example, if I post that George W. Bush is a warmongering, borderline-retarded, unibrowed bastard that likes to shoot puppies, I'll immediately get a response setting me straight. "George W. Bush has two distinct eyebrows, you damn dirty hippy!"

So from now on, nothing but the high road for me. No more jokes about the Republicans being bigoted, racist, or homophobic because we all know those allegations have absolutely no basis in real life. No more referring to the president as a "retard" because I understand the comparison is hurtful to retarded people. And finally, no more ad hominem attacks on any of Bush's supporters.

Except for Zell Miller. Because, damn! That guy is a fucking fruitcake!

Okay, Mr. Cheney.
For $11,450, can you solve the puzzle?

A lot of my friends are still wetting themselves over Arnold Schwarzenegger's speech on Tuesday night. I guess he did a pretty good job. Admittedly, the ideals and beliefs of the Republican party always sound better in their original German.

But it was a shrewd move on the part of Bush and his bosses, choosing a multi-millionaire former actor who married into the Kennedy family to stand up and call the millions of poverty-stricken Americans still complaining about the economy a bunch of pussies and faggots.

Kudos, Bush-Cheney 2004!!! Putting the "ass" back in "compassion."

Hi Mom!

We were on our way back from my stepsister's funeral when my mom and I decided to stop and grab some lunch. We really hadn't seen much of each other since our last silly argument, which had left both of us pretty sour (and had resulted in my unfortunately venemous post on Sunday). So over spring rolls and Kung Pao chicken, we both started apologizing.

We were laughing about the whole thing, and Mom offered me a rather back-handed compliment. She said she really enjoyed "discussing" things with me, and she was impressed that I always seemed to have my facts straight. (Not always, I'll admit... sometimes I just bluff really well.) Anyway, she said it was really good to see me fired up about something, "even if your principles are a little misguided."

The whole thing got me to thinking about my post on Sunday, and how it was so unnecessarily hostile towards her. I had written it while I was still fuming about the "my opinion is different than yours, so get over it" crack, and my point was likely lost amidst a bunch of grumbling.

Oddly, that was the first of my posts to receive any comments from strangers. The first came from some guy with a blog that basically regurgitates articles from Bush apologists. And of course, he took exception to my points that: 1) Bush refuses to admit that he's wrong about anything, and 2) Republicans seem to think that the economy will get better and America will be safer if they just keep saying it over and over again.

His counterarguments were: 1) Bush has never been wrong, so he has nothing to admit, and 2) The economy is getting better and America is safer.

That's about 300% more irony than you'll find in any Alanis Morissette song.

But those points aside, I really regret the tone of Sunday's post. My mother is a remarkably intelligent and independent woman. She raised me and my sister as a single mom, working long hours to keep us fed and happy. She's survived a couple of unfortunate marriages, and come through them stronger and more determined. She has always been supportive of me, even when I wasn't making the best or most informed decisions. She saw me through some rough times in college, and she was there for me when I was dealing with my father's death. If it weren't for her, I have no idea where I'd be today. Probably hopped up on crystal meth and hosting a conservative radio talk show...

So Mom, if by some strange turn of events you should find yourself reading this, then I hope you know that I love you dearly and have nothing but the utmost respect for your opinions and beliefs.

Even if they are a little misguided ;-)

Katrina Kracmer (1976-2004)

On Monday night, August 23, Katrina Kracmer was running late for a support group meeting. She was rushing down the sidewalk on Gaston Avenue in her motorized wheelchair when a car hopped the curb and crashed into her.

The driver just sped away.

Katrina was critically injured, but held on for four more days. Her family took her off of life support on Friday afternoon, and she died almost immediately afterwards.

Dallas police are still looking for her killer.

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Katrina was born with spina bifida, a disorder in which the spinal column fails to close completely. As a result, she was paralyzed from the waist down. She wore braces on her legs and used crutches to get around.

I met Katrina in 1988, when my mom was dating her dad Frank. And she was like any other 12-year-old girl in most regards. She was adorable, giggly, naive, sweet, occasionally bratty...

For some reason, she took a liking to me almost immediately. Any time I was around her, she would cling to my arm or hold my hand. When I went to visit Mom and Frank (they married in 1990), Katrina would insist that I sit next to her at dinner.

I guess it was a crush. And even as I grumblingly endured it, deep down inside I was totally eating it up. Who wouldn't want to be adored, especially by someone as remarkable as Katrina?

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I wish I could say that we stayed in touch, that she remained an important part of my life. But sadly, Mom and Frank divorced and Katrina and I just sort of lost touch. I would occasionally see her brother Joe, who would bring me up to date. And each time, Katrina's life seemed to be tinged with more and more tragedy.

She had dropped out of high school in the 10th grade, and was struggling to get by. She had been using drugs and drinking way too much, and for a time she had even lived on the street.

But as Joe said, "She had an innocent, childlike perspective on life. She believed there was good in everything."

Katrina really was trying to turn things around, and she was making astonishing progress. She'd sworn off the drugs four years ago. She'd given birth to a son two years ago, the stress of which had left her in a wheelchair. But even now, she was going through rehabilitation, trying to learn once more how to move around on the crutches.

She'd gotten married in February to a guy she met in the Dallas Life Foundation. And for the past two months, she'd been sober. She was on her way to an alcoholics recovery group meeting when she was killed.

God damn it.

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Trina, you were truly a beautiful and remarkable person. I wish I had done better by you. I wish we all had.

Rest in peace.

The other day, I was riding home from Winnsboro with my mom. It's a two-hour trip and, as we often do when we're trapped in the car together, we began discussing politics.

My mom is a Republican and frightfully conservative. And if you've been paying attention, you know that I'm... well... not.

I should first mention that I HATE arguing with my mom. Not just politics, but anything. I admit that once I get embroiled in the discussion, I get animated. My voice gets raised, and I can be really fucking stubborn.

Three guesses where I get it from.

The thing is, Mom doesn't argue from a factual standpoint. This may sound like a cheap shot, but it's something she's readily admitted to me several times. She doesn't have all the facts at her disposal. She just knows how she feels. Which is why she's convinced Bush is a great president, even though the facts have a distinct anti-Bush bias.

So anyway, she casually mentioned as we were driving home, "One of the things I admire about Bush is that he's always willing to admit when he's wrong."

I spewed Diet Vanilla Coke all over the windshield and just stared at her.

"If he feels he's done something wrong, he WILL admit it," she insisted.

"Well, as long as we're just making crap up," I said, "I've always admired Kerry's ability to pee chocolate milk and travel through time."

The debate devolved and ended, as most of ours do, with her insisting piously that she has an opinion that's different than mine, and I'm just going to have to get over it. And I resolved then, as I have a dozen times since, that I would not argue with Mom anymore.

I hate that. I honestly do. She will rail on for 20 minutes, trying to change my mind about something, and when she fails, she'll accuse me of being intolerant of her opinion.

I know she doesn't believe that. I know it's just a way to end the argument and save face. If you can't win on the facts, then just change it into a moral argument and pretend to take the high road.

Did I mention she's a Republican? They're good at that.

But seriously. Bush has always been willing to admit when he was wrong? Name ONE time! Unlike the usual Republican bullshit ("The economy is getting better." "We're winning the war on terror." "America is safer.") I think even the most ardent Bush supporter would have a hard time getting behind this one.

After all, the Republicans have a term for people who admit that they were wrong about something. They call those people "flip-floppers."