Two More Things...

Helen Philpot, irascible geriatric and total GMILF, just spent the last couple of weeks subjecting herself to Ann Coulter's most recent book and blogging about her experience on Margaret and Helen. My favorite quote from her ordeal:

And whenever you hear about two monkeys and a sloth getting together with a typewriter know that either another Coulter book is about to hit the bookstores or Rush Limbaugh is having an OxyContin hallucination.

Also, I just discovered, to my great joy, that I'm currently the #1 ranking website on Google for the phrase "ann coulter's gaping anus of a mouth."



God bless America!

Googler? I Don't Even *Know* Her!

Here's something kind of funny that my buddy Silver sent to me.

Marissa Mayer was Google's first female engineer, and is currently serving as the Vice President of Search Products and User Experience. When San Francisco magazine recently ran a profile on her, they referred to her as the "gorgeously geeky Googler" and went on and on about her glamorous clothes, opulent lifestyle, net worth, and love of frosting. So, in other words, hard news.

But here's the funny part. Apparently the editors of the magazine aren't up on the hip lingo that perverts and naughty people use on Nobel Prize winner Al Gore's Internet, and they cleverly referred to Mayer as "Googirl." The online article got yanked almost immediately, but some 115,000 copies of the magazine made it onto the newsstands.



I can't prove it, but I'm pretty sure those bastards at Yahoo! are to blame for this...

Nobel Prize Winner Al Gore's Internet News

Google's Lost in Translation
So my pal and occasional hero John, of Random Squeegee fame, discovered yet another oddity in Google's translation tool. Sometimes, for reasons known only to the Lord, Google Translate will convert the English word "Crap" to the Spanish name "Guillermo."



So, any theories? I'm betting some anonymous Google programmer used to get pantsed and thrown in the girl's locker room by a high school bully named Guillermo. Or perhaps this is a personal vendetta being waged against Jimmy Kimmel Live.

Speaking of Tom Cruise and Anonymous Vendettas...
A gang of hackers who are calling themselves "Anonymous" have declared war on the Church of Scientology. So far, their attacks seem to consist primarily of posting melodramatic videos to YouTube about how they're going to bring Scientology down. The Church of Scientology International (or CSI, so you just know David Caruso is somehow involved) has responded by releasing a statement claiming that the videos have sparked interest in their "faith" and inviting people who want to learn more to visit their website.

The whole thing apparently started when a video of Tom Cruise was leaked onto the Internet. The video, excerpted from a Scientology presentation, features Cruise all wide-eyed and earnest as he claims:

When you're a Scientologist, and you drive by an accident, you know you have to do something about it, because you know you're the only one who can really help. We are the authorities on getting people off drugs. We are the authorities on the mind. We are the way to happiness. We can bring peace and unite cultures. Now is the time.

The Church of Scientology responded with their usual level of restraint by immediately sending out cease and desist letters to anybody who had ever come within 5 feet of a computer and threatening legal action against anyone who dared to offer the video for download. Because that always works. Few people took the Scientologist threats seriously (although the video did vanish from YouTube for a few hours before reappearing with a vengeance). Some folks consulted lawyers of their own and determined that CSI's legal team was, frankly, talking out of its collective ass.

The Scientologist's hamfisted tactics inspired a gang of self-proclaimed hackers to declare war on them. Usually, these guys devote their efforts to stealing passwords and harassing online communities who don't share their love of anime. But this time, they decided to put their talent for annoyance and mischief to work for the greater good.

I honestly don't know who to root for in this battle. On the one hand, you've got a massive organization with a history of bullying, brutalizing, and blackmailing people who have spoken out against it. And on the other hand, you've got a bunch of console cowboy wannabes who have obviously watched V for Vendetta a few times too many. It's like a cage match between Bill O'Reilly and Ann Coulter. I don't care who wins... I just wanna see lots of blood spilled.

To tell the truth, I would probably be more sympathetic towards Anonymous if I didn't think their campaign against CSI was simply a self-aggrandizing ploy full of sound and fury signifying nothing. I've always been a huge fan of subversive attacks on organized religion. The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster was a brilliant response to the Kansas School Board's decision to teach Intelligent Design as scientific theory. The First Church of Shatnerology hounded Bob Larson mercilessly with crank calls after he cheated on his wife with an employee named Margo. The satire of Landover Baptist Church is so convincing that several of their articles have been forwarded on by outraged Christians who weren't in on the joke. And God knows, I love me some Melba!

But there is nothing particularly clever or daring about the Anonymous attack on Scientology. In their videos, they claim (with kewl digitized voices) that they will "systematically dismantle the Church of Scientology in its present form." Yet, so far, their campaign of terror has consisted of some half-assed denial of service attacks (which accidentally took down a school in the Netherlands). Anonymous wants to pretend like they're a band of ragtag freedom fighters struggling against an oppressive evil organization. But while the Church of Scientology certainly fits the bill as an Evil Empire, Anonymous is not the Rebel Alliance. Hell, they're barely Jar Jar Binks.

Their "bold" attack actually comes off as petty, juvenile, and a bit silly. It's like expressing your outrage at the Bush administration by leaving a flaming sack of dog poo on the White House porch. The Church of Scientology has weathered organized assaults from people who were far better informed and far better equipped to damage them. Somehow, I doubt the pranks being perpetrated by Anonymous are going to have any lasting effect.

Ironically, if anything is going to bring down the Church of Scientology, I'm betting it'll be Tom Cruise.

R.I.P. Tom Cruise Heath Ledger

Poor Heath Ledger. Like it wasn't bad enough that his tragic death had to be somehow tied to one of the Olsen twins, now he's getting dissed by Google.

Some bored Googlers unearthed an odd bug in Google Translate, where translating "Heath Ledger" from English to Spanish would convert his name to "Tom Cruise."



Of course, Nobel Prize winner Al Gore's Internet was abuzz and it was only a matter of time before Google became aware of the issue and fixed it. So now, Heath is no longer in danger of being confused for a closeted couch-hopping maniacal Scientologist, and his spirit can rest in peace.

At least until Mary Kate Olsen starts doing the talk show circuit.

Search Engine Democracy

Are you tired of being mired down day after day in pointless debate? Are you sick of being berated and browbeaten by pundits desperate to inflict their opinions on you? Do you wish there was a quick and easy way to form an opinion on something without having to know anything about it? Well, why not leave the decision making up to Google? That's right, my friend. Choosing sides is just as easy as downloading porn with Search Engine Democracy!

Here are some Google results to put your mind at ease.

Heaven - 123,000,000 hits
Hell - 164,000,000 hits

Coke - 28,400,000 hits
Pepsi - 20,200,000 hits

Less filling - 9,370,000 hits
Tastes great - 3,780,000 hits

George W Bush is a genius - 1,310,000 hits
George W Bush is an idiot - 1,440,000 hits

Driving with Ted Kennedy - 1,080,000 hits
Hunting with Dick Cheney - 1,100,000 hits

Sean Hannity - 1,530,000 hits
Alan Colmes - 374,000 hits

World of Warcraft - 21,600,000 hits
Everquest - 722,000 hits

Going to church on Sunday morning - 2,100,000 hits
Sleeping in on Sunday morning - 3,340,000 hits

Liberal communists - 1,500,000 hits
Conservative Nazis - 1,500,000 hits
(and who says discourse is dead in this great nation?)

Alien conspiracy - 1,610,000 hits
JFK conspiracy - 1,120,000 hits
Liberal media conspiracy - 1,790,000 hits
Christian conspiracy - 1,950,000 hits
Peanut Butter Conspiracy - 495,000 hits

Elvis is dead - 2,390,000 hits
Elvis is alive - 1,830,000 hits

Star Trek slash fiction - 346,000 hits
Harry Potter slash fiction - 529,000 hits
Diff'rent Strokes slash fiction - 259 hits

Naked pictures of Britney Spears - 1,550,000 hits
Naked pictures of Bea Arthur - 78,000 hits
Naked pictures of Chris Irby - 707 hits
(ouch!)