Beeeeeeeeeeeep... Blip... Blip... Blip...

I honestly have no idea what to write after a year of neglecting the blogosphere. Except I just noticed that, even though the word "blogosphere" has been in wide use since 2002, Blogger still doesn't recognize is as a legitimate word, and suggests that I replace it with "biosphere" or "heliosphere." According to Wikipedia, a heliosphere is caused by the solar wind blowing a bubble in the interstellar medium. According to Sarah Palin, a heliosphere is caused by God taking a bath after He eats beans. Incidentally, Blogger doesn't recognize the word "Palin" as legitimate either, and suggests that I replace it with "Patin" or "pain," which sounds totally reasonable to me. In case you're wondering, Patin is a village in the Bané Department of Boulgou Province in south-eastern Burkina Faso, a landlocked African nation that is probably visible from Sarah Palin's backyard. I'm sure this interesting fact will be covered on the upcoming Discovery reality show Sarah Palin's Alaska, assuming they can find someone other than the Tea Party and the KKK to sponsor it. Personally, I would have called the show Helicopter Wolf Sniper Killfest or Life On This 6,000 Year Old Earth. Or maybe Hunting with Dick Cheney. Remember when he shot that old guy in the face? That was awesome. Anyway, I missed you guys.

Okay, Let's Try This Again...

What's it been? Five months? So much has happened. Bush pretended to read a bunch of books and finally took responsibility for the mistakes that were made in Iraq, apparently by other people. Anna Nicole Smith, Saddam Hussein, and Gerald Ford died, creating the weirdest trifecta since Lady Di, Mother Teresa, and whoever was hunting with Dick Cheney that weekend. Mel Gibson and Michael "Kramer" Richards gained a huge Klan following. Scooter Libby's on trial, but Karl Rove wasn't called to testify because apparently his hand will burst into flames if it actually touches a bible. The entire city of Boston was shut down because of some Lite-Brites. And a diaper-wearing astronaut chick tried to kill another astronaut chick over a love triangle involving a space-shuttle commander, in a news story that could only be made more awesome if it involved monkeys and Ninja Jesus!

So many missed opportunities...

Anyway, I'm back. I've run out of clever comeback metaphors, so I'm just going to reuse the zombie graphic from my last triumphant return.

Missed you bitches!!!!