Saturday, March 17, 2007

It's Neo-Con! It's Inspirational! It's Neo-Conspirational!

Ever wonder what Karl Rove has hanging on his office wall? I mean, besides the upside-down crucifix and the still-squirming kitten? Well, wonder no longer. Instead, gaze upon these inspirational posters and be borne unto a magical fantasy land that exists only in the minds of Bush and his ever-dwindling throngs of supporters!

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Revenge of the President George Bush Tollway

So I got into a car wreck last week. A big one.

Most Thursdays, Sean and I get together to work on our next play (tentatively titled "Captain Phantasm vs. the Nefarious Dr. Noir: A Melodramatic Serial in Three Parts"). Usually, I'll swing by his place and pick him up, and then we'll head to Dunn Bros. Coffee and spend a couple of hours writing. Or maybe an hour writing and an hour arguing about whether or not something is funny. Or maybe 10 minutes writing and 1:50 talking about what in the name of Agnes of God is happening on Heroes. Hell, it's a wonder we ever got the first play written!

So last Thursday, I'd just left work and was on my way to pick up Sean. I was headed east on the President George Bush Tollway (yes, here in Dallas we have a President George Bush Tollway, and the only reason I can stomach driving on it is because it isn't the President George W. Bush Tollway). I exited the tollway and stayed in the far left lane, which is for U-turns.

Okay, imagine if you will... my U-turn lane is virtually empty. Next to me, on my right, is a line of cars about 20 to 30 deep, waiting to turn left at the light. I'm zipping past them, minding my own business, whistling a happy tune...

...and suddenly, there's a Mercedes in my lane. I didn't even have time to hit the brakes before we collided and my car was slammed into the guard rail. Twisted metal, broken glass, the whole bit... For a second, I thought I was going to meet the Baby Jesus face to face, which would have been embarassing after all the mean things I've said about Him.

I got out of my car, my legs shaking so bad I could hardly stand. I wasn't hurt, and neither was the other guy, whom I'll call Mr. Meurgaonkar*. My car was smashed all to hell on both sides. I'd lost both mirrors, headlights, etc. His car was dented up, but still considerably better off.

So the first thing Mr. Meurgaonkar does is try to make it out to be my fault. He asked me, "Did you not see me signaling?" Despite the gallons of adrenaline coursing through my body, I'd like to mention that I was quite calm and relatively pleasant about the whole thing. I pointed out as politely as I could that he had been in a left turn lane with 20 other cars, and they were all signaling, and I had absolutely no reason to suspect he was going to suddenly pull in front of me when I got within 10 feet of him.

So Mr. Meurgaonkar offers up the second part of his defense. "Well, I checked the lane before I came over and I didn't see you." To which I replied, "Um, I don't know what to tell you, aside from the fact that I WAS THERE!"

We called the police, but they never showed up (apparently the police don't like to respond to a wreck in Carrollton unless there's an injury). So Mr. Meurgaonkar and I exchanged insurance information, and I had my car towed to the Saturn dealership. Mr. Meurgaonkar, who is for all intents and purposes a very decent man (with a poor understanding of traffic laws), dropped me off at Sean's house and I began the arduous process of notifying the insurance companies.

So long story short (as if that ship hadn't already sailed), Mr. Meurgaonkar filed a claim with my insurance company, and they denied it because he was blatantly at fault. My insurance company is covering my repairs, rental, etc. and they're in the process of collecting from his insurance company. My car suffered a lot of body damage and the front suspension is utterly fubar. The claims adjuster just called me and said they're estimating damages at $4,800. Because of Allstate's Accident Forgiveness, I'm currently out of pocket for a $50 deductable and .79 a day on the rental, all of which should be reimbursed once his insurance company pays up.

So I guess it could be worse. I could have died, or been seriously hurt. Or even suffered whatever debilitating brain damage it is that makes people in Texas keep voting for Bush.

*Not his actual name, but pretty darned close.

Monday, March 05, 2007

Search Engine Democracy

Are you tired of being mired down day after day in pointless debate? Are you sick of being berated and browbeaten by pundits desperate to inflict their opinions on you? Do you wish there was a quick and easy way to form an opinion on something without having to know anything about it? Well, why not leave the decision making up to Google? That's right, my friend. Choosing sides is just as easy as downloading porn with Search Engine Democracy!

Here are some Google results to put your mind at ease.

Heaven - 123,000,000 hits
Hell - 164,000,000 hits

Coke - 28,400,000 hits
Pepsi - 20,200,000 hits

Less filling - 9,370,000 hits
Tastes great - 3,780,000 hits

George W Bush is a genius - 1,310,000 hits
George W Bush is an idiot - 1,440,000 hits

Driving with Ted Kennedy - 1,080,000 hits
Hunting with Dick Cheney - 1,100,000 hits

Sean Hannity - 1,530,000 hits
Alan Colmes - 374,000 hits

World of Warcraft - 21,600,000 hits
Everquest - 722,000 hits

Going to church on Sunday morning - 2,100,000 hits
Sleeping in on Sunday morning - 3,340,000 hits

Liberal communists - 1,500,000 hits
Conservative Nazis - 1,500,000 hits
(and who says discourse is dead in this great nation?)

Alien conspiracy - 1,610,000 hits
JFK conspiracy - 1,120,000 hits
Liberal media conspiracy - 1,790,000 hits
Christian conspiracy - 1,950,000 hits
Peanut Butter Conspiracy - 495,000 hits

Elvis is dead - 2,390,000 hits
Elvis is alive - 1,830,000 hits

Star Trek slash fiction - 346,000 hits
Harry Potter slash fiction - 529,000 hits
Diff'rent Strokes slash fiction - 259 hits

Naked pictures of Britney Spears - 1,550,000 hits
Naked pictures of Bea Arthur - 78,000 hits
Naked pictures of Chris Irby - 707 hits