Sorry ladies (and eternally optimistic gay men), but the Irbman's heart is officially off the market. I have become, as we say in this industry, 100% smitten.
And here's the totally bitchin' part... SHE DIGS ME TOO!!!
Her name is Stephanie, and we met in June at the Umberto Eco reading here in Dallas. She's dead sexy, fucking hilarious, and incredibly smart. She's also geeky in all the right places. I've never clicked with anyone like this before, and right now I feel totally exhilarated and giddy. Like a school girl. In Jello.
I had no idea women like this even existed. How come nobody told me before now?
Usually at this point, I'd be terrified. I've spent most of my life convinced that happiness is fleeting and something I'm just not intended to experience. I say that not to offer you insight into my dark and wondrous soul, but simply to explain why I tend to enter relationships half-heartedly, just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
But it just feels different this time. I'm not trepidacious, just excited. Excited about the journey as much as the destination, as sappy as that sounds. Thrilled and still somewhat astonished that she finds me as adorable, sexy, funny, and smart as I find her.
Sigh... so anyway, I'd better wrap this post up before I start writing country-western music or cranking out stanzas of that lazy-ass poetry that doesn't rhyme. I'm sure nobody wants to read a bunch of paragraphs about how she's just a big schmoopy muffin basket full of puppies and rainbow kisses.
Besides, she reads this blog sometimes. She'd probably kick my ass if I did that.
...and I can't really think of anything particularly clever or insightful to say, so I thought I'd just post this picture of Zombie Rodney Dangerfield eating Karl Rove's brain, sent to me by my good chum John, who is (as they say in Japan) bad ass and kicks all the ass.
So a few weeks ago, my dear friend Boidy (who refuses to blog and thus has one of those rare, unlinkable names) sent me this e-mail that she received from a friend of hers.
The following is pretty accurate, and it only takes two minutes. Take this test for yourself and send it to everybody else you know, and something really wonderful will happen to you! Really! I did it, and five minutes later I was in bed with Johnny Depp! Conversely, Johnny deleted this e-mail as soon as he received it and five minutes later was in bed with me!
Just answer the following ten questions as honestly as the limited choices will allow, and then prepare to be judged!
1. When you wake up in the morning, you:
a) cringe at the thought of enduring another day.
b) sob bitterly as your pleasant dream fades, leaving you face to face with your horrible life.
c) pray to God to give you the strength not to drive off a bridge on your way to work.
d) pull the trigger and, if the chamber is empty, reluctantly get out of bed.
2. When you look in the mirror, you immediately think:
a) "God, I'm fat!"
b) "How did I get so fat?"
c) "I'm probably going to die alone because I'm so fat."
d) "I am a decent person with a good heart and a wonderful sense of... oh, who am I kidding? Look how fat I am!"
3. When talking to people, you:
a) stare at the ground and speak in a whisper.
b) bury your face in your hands to avoid making eye contact.
c) suddenly scream and panic as the realization of your low self-worth washes over you.
d) often find yourself paying $2.99 for the first minute, and $1.00 for each additional minute.
4. Which of the following colors do you like most?
d) the bleak, somber color of loneliness and despair (black)
5. When you are going to sleep at night, in those last few moments before you drift off, you lie:
a) in a fetal position.
b) with your hands over your ears to stave off those wicked, wicked voices.
c) flat on your back, with your arms crossed over your chest, inviting the cold embrace of sweet, sweet death.
d) under the bed.
6. You often dream that you are:
c) in love.
d) someone else.
7. When faced with difficult choices, you often find that you are unable to distinguish between:
a) immediate gratification and long-term happiness.
b) healthy behavior and self-destructive impulses.
c) good and evil.
d) your ass and a hole in the ground.
8. If you're working hard and somebody interrupts you, you feel:
d) a white hot rage so severe that you can barely choke back your bile.
9. Do you feel that life is pointless and that we're all spiraling blindly into a chaotic abyss of uncertainty?
b) Yes, absolutely.
c) I can't argue with that.
d) Wow, do you feel it too?
10. Your relationships end most often when:
a) your partner grows tired of dealing with all of your self-loathing.
b) your partner finds somebody better.
c) your partner steals your TV, VCR and jewelry while you're at work.
d) you dismember your partner and stuff him or her into a tight crawlspace.
POINTS: Give yourself 1 point for every "a" answer, 2 points for every "b" answer, 3 points for every "c" answer, and 4 points for every "d" answer.
Now add up the total number of points.
10 - 20 POINTS: You are insecure and totally lacking in self-confidence. Like THIS is really going to help.
21 - 30 POINTS: You are a horrible person, and everybody knows it. Anybody that pretends otherwise is simply using you for their own nefarious purposes.
31 - 40 POINTS: You are a wretched excuse for a human being with absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever. You know it, I know it, and Dr. Phil knows it.
MORE THAN 40 POINTS: You either cheated, which makes you truly pathetic, or you miscounted, which merely makes you incredibly stupid. Either way, it's time to end this shallow charade you call a life. Remember to cut up and down, not across.
Yes, that's right. Something I wrote has been slightly altered and is now being circulated as wacky inbox humor! I am a beloved internet star!
I've been checking Snopes on a regular basis to see if it turns up there. The original Dr. Phil test that I was mocking is there, but so far mine hasn't been brought up. But I figure it's only a matter of time. After all, they had people asking if that e-mail about the boy with a bag of leaves for a body was true.
Here's an interesting and somewhat related fact. Did you know that 93% of people with e-mail accounts are clinically retarded and believe every single thing they read? I'm pretty sure it's true. I read it in an e-mail...
I am a straight white male between the ages of 17 and 44. I’m an Aries and a recovering Baptist. By national standards, I’m moderate in my politics, but by Texas standards I’m somewhere to the left of Lenin. I have a certain boyish charm that makes me irresistible to children, pets, and old people. I’ve grown indifferent towards the night life, and I no longer care to boogie. Like slightly more than 100% of the English majors I know, I’m a writer wannabe who has yet to get published. I am not now, nor have I ever been, “emo.” I have a singing voice that resembles the wailing of damned souls. I am the walrus, kookoo katchoo. I shot the sheriff. But, and I’d like to make this perfectly clear, I did *not* shoot the deputy. I once divided by zero. I used to think I had no discernable Texas accent, but a recent visit to Canada made me realize that I actually sound like goddamn Jethro. I believe the children are the future. And my hobbies include writing slash furry Star Trek fan fiction and sitting on the toilet until my legs fall asleep.