Friday, July 30, 2004

What Republicans Believe

Note: I didn't write this, but I sincerely wish I had.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing
veterans' benefits and combat pay.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation
and money.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans
is socialism.

HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to
enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record
is none of our business.

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host.
Then it's an illness, and you need our prayers for your recovery.

You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s
is irrelevant.

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

Sunday, July 18, 2004

A Modest Proposal

A lot of my friends are Christians. And homophobic.

Oh, they’ll deny it. “I resent that! Just because I believe that the gays are attempting to undermine the moral integrity of this nation and drag us down into a cesspool of sodomy and drug use, where our children will be forced to turn tricks behind dumpsters for their next fix of heroin, that doesn’t make me homophobic!”

If I’m lucky, they’ll tag on, “I mean, some of my friends are gays!”

A lot of churches have evaded the issue by railing against homosexuality as a concept, while avoiding the mention of any names. Except for Ellen DeGeneres. And those Queer Eye guys. And Hilary Clinton, whom a lot of people think is a lesbian because Rush Limbaugh once said so, although there’s a pretty good chance it was just the crystal meth talking. But I digress…

Anyway, as much as I admire the progressive Christian attitude of “hate the faggotry, love the faggot,” I still find myself unable to get on board. I just can’t generate enough fear and loathing against a group of people who never did me any harm. I mean, not counting Will and Grace.

But I guess I can sympathize, because I have a similar issue. You see, I am utterly disgusted by the thought of old people having sex.

I understand that they are consenting adults, and I know that nobody is forcing me to have sex with an old person, but it disturbs me just knowing that they’re out there, bumping their wrinkled uglies.

Oh, I can hear you whiny liberal bastards now. “But Jesus never said anything bad against old, horny people!” Yeah, well he never said anything bad against child molesters either! Does that make it right?

So lest our nation deteriorate into an endless orgy of Ben Gay and adult diapers, I’d like to propose a constitutional amendment banning any people over the age of 60 from having sex. God knows, it would certainly make me feel better.

But I know. That’s just not constitutional. If we could actually ban people from having sex with each other, Bush and his team would have snuck a rider into the Patriot Act. Ironically, “sneaking a rider” sounds like a euphemism for gay sex. But again, I digress…

So instead of banning sex between old people, how about a constitutional amendment to keep them from getting married? We can define marriage as a union between two consenting adults who don’t drink buttermilk and still have their original hips.

Oh, it won’t solve the problem. They’ll still be out there having hot, wild, geriatric “whips and dentures” sex. But I always say, an unwarranted, hateful and mean-spirited attack is preferable to just sitting back and doing nothing. Right?

Take that, you old fuckers. God bless America.

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

The Nerds Mourn Marlon

I write Generika Adventures, an online comic based on Dungeons & Dragons. The target audience is geeks with a sense of humor, which is a decidedly narrow demographic. However, I didn’t realize just how narrow until last week.

The following exchange was posted to the Generika Adventures board on July 2, the day Marlon Brando died.

Posted by: Chris “Irb” Irby
Marlon Brando? Dead?


God, I can’t believe he’s really dead! He was truly one of the greatest actors of all time!

His work in White Chicks was just brilliant, and he brought to life the nuanced character of Snails in Dungeons & Dragons.

Oh, Marlon. We barely knew ye. Good night, sweet prince, and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.

Posted by: =^.^=
I seriously hope he’s joking… I really hate stupid people. There’s a big difference between a skinny black guy and a fat white guy.

Posted by: Chris “Irb” Irby
Please. There’s no need for name calling. At a time like this, we need to put aside our personal differences and show our support for Damon, Shawn, and Keenen Ivory Brando.

Posted by: Anonymous
hey irb you are clearly a simpleton with no appreciation of film because then you'd know marlon brando kicks ass and the examples you pointed out were just some of the worst movies of all time

jesus even sean connery got stuck with shit that had lines like "YOU'RE THE MAN NOW DAWG" every now and then. why dont you go watch some of brando's real films and then open your mouth about the film medium

Posted by: Chris “Irb” Irby
I was just kidding, genius. Of course I know who Marlon Brando was! She was brilliant in “That Girl,” and I really loved her as Rachel’s mom in “Friends.”

I didn’t get a reply to that, so I can only assume Mr. Anonymous Movie Buff’s mom made him get off the computer for the night. Or maybe he fell asleep while masturbating to the buttered Marlon Brando scene in Last Tango in Paris.

But I guess it’s a good thing the thread ended before I was reduced to making Marlin Perkins jokes.

Saturday, July 03, 2004

Some Rambling Movie Reviews

I’m only writing these because this is a blog, and I’m required by federal law to shove my opinions on movies I’ve seen down the throats of my three or four unsuspecting readers.

Fahrenheit 9/11
Okay, I know I’m beating a dead horse here. This nation is divided between slathering fanboys who think everything out of Michael Moore’s mouth is gospel, and brain dead Bush apologists who dismiss the entire movie as fiction.

And somewhere in the middle are the five or six of us who still occasionally like to think for ourselves. I don’t particularly agree with all of Michael Moore’s answers, but I respect him for at least asking the right questions.

There’s this asinine conservative organization called Move America Forward that seems to be threatened by the idea of discourse. I suppose it’s because some conservatives base their beliefs on blind faith rather than the facts, and they get very defensive whenever somebody challenges them. And of course, their knee-jerk reaction to Fahrenheit 9/11 was to harass and intimidate theater owners in an effort to shut the movie down. Fortunately, it seems to have backfired and actually generated tons of free publicity for Michael Moore.

Another group has decided to wade in swinging, and is producing a documentary entitled Michael Moore Hates America. Now I prefer to reserve my judgment on a film until after I’ve seen it, because I’m neither Republican nor Baptist. And I do applaud these guys for at least engaging in debate instead of trying to stifle an opposing argument.

But I’ve already got a problem with the title. It just reinforces that stereotypical conservative belief that anybody who dares to question or criticize the president must hate America. Which, as we all know, means the entire Republican party hated America between 1992 and 2000.

That said, I look forward to seeing the film. And I hope none of my terrorist-supporting, America-hating, tree-hugging, godless, gay-marrying, France-loving, drug-using, hippie liberal bastard friends try to get it banned.

Spiderman 2
I don’t want to bore you with an actual review. Go see it. It’s great. It’s a near-perfect superhero movie. The special effects are seamless. The dialog is brilliant (except for the occasional plodding soliloquy). The acting is much better than any movie about a guy in tights should be. Kirsten Dunst is astonishingly hot, and the image of her standing in a wedding dress and whispering “Go get ‘em, tiger,” should be required masturbatory material for all boys between 13 and 17. Plus, J. K. Simmons is so goddamned funny as J. Jonah Jameson that the guy needs his own movie!

Okay, review over. I only brought it up because I wanted to make a rather random comment about the film. There’s a scene early on where Dr. Otto Octavius is demonstrating the mechanical arms he uses to perform dangerous fusion-related experiments to the press. And one of the reporters actually asks, “Since the artificial intelligence of the arms is so highly developed, isn’t there a chance it could take over your mind and override your higher brain functions?”

In the real world, such a question would be answered with a perfunctory, “What are you? Retarded?” But since this is comic book land, Dr. Octavius responds to the reporter’s question as if it were a real, pertinent issue.

And this got me to thinking. How cool would it be if reporters really did ask questions like that in press conferences? I would love to see somebody from Time Magazine stand up and ask Dick Cheney, “Mr. Vice President? If Hussein really had managed to purchase yellow cake uranium from Niger, could he have possibly used its radioactive properties to create a race of mutant super soldiers?”

Of course, Cheney would tell the reporter to go fuck himself. But still, I would watch that press conference. Hell, I’d TIVO it!

Day After Tomorrow
Not the most plausible movie in the world. I didn’t bat an eye when the ice age covered the northern hemisphere in a matter of days, or when the icebergs growled and chased after people.

No, for me the scene that totally snapped my suspension of disbelief in two was when the Vice President (who looked eerily like Cheney) realized that he had doomed millions of people to death by disregarding the environmental warnings, and he offered a tearful apology. “We should have listened. *I* should have listened.”

What can I say? I started giggling.